Not yet sleepy

I am not yet sleepy even though it's almost 2 a.m. Some nights I go to bed only to toss and turn for hours. I think it's just a little too warm in my room for sleep tonight. Maybe I should open the window a little and get some fresh air in there.

I have been wondering how it's going to feel to actually go to court and get the divorce over and done with. I wonder if I am going to be relieved, sad or both. What I do know is this relationship has sucked all the life out of me I am willing to give it.

While there will be some sadness I know that this too shall pass. I will be the strong and independent person I was before. I will hold my head up and find my inner strength that has been hiding deep within me struggling to find it's way to the surface again.

I am doing things I like to do for the right reasons. I am thinking thoughts of the simple pleasures in life. I smile more often. Jokes are funny again. Over all life is getting good again. While there is yet clouds in the sky I can see the sun breaks that have been hiding for so long.

I want to thank God for always being there for me. Even when things were their darkest I knew that I was never alone. This has been a learning and growing experience for me. One that I will carry for the rest of my life in a positive way as I reach for the life that is in front of me.

A little thinking is a dangerous thing

While I sit here thinking about my life and where I am going my mind turns to where I have been. I have not yet let go of my marriage but I don't hold out any hope for it now. I believe it is beyond any chance of saving it. There is a little part of me that wonders if it was ever meant to be in the first place.

I sent him an email after the fact that said basically why didn't he just tell me the truth to begin with. If all he wanted or needed my help why did he have to pretend that we were working on getting back together. Why didn't he just tell me the truth about his intentions? Doesn't he know that the truth is always best?

I said before words to the effect that the narcissist will whisper come closer so I can slap you. Is this part of the fun for him? Do I ruin it for him when I will not believe the made up dream and that I see the double talk for what it is worth?

He said "I've told you from the time I filed for divorce. The only way to keep the marriage is for you to get help. I said that I would delay the divorce proceedings if you would get help."

I read that to say that 1. I have to do exactly what he says when he says it or else. 2. The word delay is very telling. He knows that he will trump up something else to justify separating again if it is in what he deems his best interest to do so. He also said that he would pay half for anger management class for me but managed to pull off a separation before that happened knowing that I can't afford to pay it all by myself.

There are times when I honestly wish things had been just a little different between us. I wish that he could be honest, true and faithful. He just doesn't have the capacity to be those things. He won't even tell himself the truth. He tells himself what ever lies he needs to in order to justify his actions. The only people that buy his claims besides himself are the ones that just plain don't care one way or the other to begin with.

He told me many times that I give people too much head room. That may be true. He is occupying too big of a place in my head and my heart but that is changing slowly. I think of him less and less often as time goes on. I am happier and finding more peace as time goes on. I find myself looking to the future more and more every day.

I am going to be busy tomorrow running errands then capping it off by doing some things I want to do. I really like the idea of doing what I want when I want to and not having to explain myself to anyone. I may not always make the best of choices but take pleasure in being able to make them for myself.

Moving forward with my life

Letting go of the past is never easy. No matter what the conditions are you find comfort in the familiar. You know what to expect on a daily basis. You learn how to work with what is going on around you and how you interact with the people in your life. You think that they are going to continue to do what they always do.

For some people that "rut" is a peaceful one. Some have the life they always dreamed of and can go through the day to day feeling safe and secure. Others are not so fortunate. Some make bad choices and decisions that lead them to cycles that go from relative happiness to absolute hell on earth.

When you are faced with the truth that you are on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop you have to make some serious decisions. Are you going to stay on that ride or find a safe place to get off? How many times are you going to go around and around knowing that there will be times of misery?

Right now I am in a section of the ride that has in the past been my personal hell. This is the time when I have suffered the most. This time I think I am handling it better then I have in the past. This time I have a more realistic look at the truth of the situation.

I still have my moments when I feel sad or angry. I have my moments when I cry or feel deeply sad but those times don't last long. There are times when I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There are times when I just want to work on making me a better person knowing I have learned some very important life lessons.

I don't know where my life is heading but I will find out as I go.

My childhood friends

I have been thinking about the neighborhood where I grew up. Thinking about my friends from when I was young and free. Thinking about a time in my life when I didn't have a care in the world. When I was young and innocent. Everything was a game or an adventure.

We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.

We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.

I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.

My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.

My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.

My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.

I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.

I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.

We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.

I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.

Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!

So I went to the casino today

I had a fun day for sure. I came out with all my original money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I think I probably should consider quitting smoking and I almost did. I decided why do something for someone who would only thinks of himself. Why bother trying to please someone who is never going to be satisfied no matter what I do.

Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.

My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.

We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.

We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.

Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.

Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.

Today is another day

Time seems to be moving much slower then it should today. Part of me just wants this day to be over so I can curl up in bed and go to sleep. I am not feeling too upbeat or positive today. It's a beautiful day out but I have no place to go and all day to get there.

I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.

I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.

I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?

I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.

One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.

That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.

Going around the same old mountain AGAIN

I have to admit I was not feeling good about the complete break in communication with my estranged husband. I was occasionally checking his blog and saw no evidence that he had been online at all. I was very concerned about his health and welfare. I wrote him an email asking how he was doing.

As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.

We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.

Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.

I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.

I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.

He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.

I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.

He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.

A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.

So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:

Great. Have a nice day.

Someone sent a message to me

I have been separated from my husband for over a year now. There were times when I actually had hope that we were finally going to work the differences through and have that dream marriage that I thought we both wanted. Even though he filed for divorce during one of the not so hopeful times he said that we didn't have to follow through if we could work it out.

We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.

I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.

I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!

Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."

I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.

Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."

I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.

My need to be needed

I found this wonderful site that hit home with me. I am going to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the truth to this site that discusses some very important Life Strategies. I found this quite by accident. I believe that working with a site on codependency that I have been working with for a few years.

I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.

Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.

When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.

I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.

This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.

Letting go of the past.

I am working on unpacking the bags. I have a lot of memories that have been built up over a life time. Some of these memories are good and others are not so good. I have to take them out one at a time then decide what to do with them all.

As each memory comes to mind the first thing I have to do is feel the emotions connected to it. I have to own the feelings. I then have to decide if the memory and feelings are things I want to keep or is it best to just let it go completely. I don't want to hold on to anything negative.

It comes as no surprise that even some of the negative memories have some positive attached to them and some of the good memories have a bit of pain attached to them as well. I am wondering if there is a way to clean up all this mess. I don't want to keep going in the same direction that I have been going in for so very long. It is well past time for a serious change.

On a good note, the memories don't hurt like they use to. The emotion that I am feeling the most is sadness. I still don't understand the WHY of some of it. Why did these things happen? I do know that there is no reason for me to feel any guilt over the choices other people made. I may have been a convenient excuse but I was not the reason. They did what they did because that is what they chose to do.

I am only responsible for my decisions and actions. I have enough in that stack to feel bad about. I have tried to make amends to some of the people I hurt. I am trying to stop wallowing in my mistakes and forgive myself. This is much easier said then done. I expect so much from myself but can never live up to that level of perfection. I do know that I am going to have to let go of those negative feelings and learn from my mistakes.

I have been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I have made. I have been asking for true and complete healing for those I have harmed. I don't want any one to suffer because of me. I don't want anyone to carry scars by either my action or lack there of. I have faith that God is able and willing to heal those wounds.

More importantly then that is praying that God will forgive those who have hurt me. I don't want to live in the shadow of what has been done any longer. I am also asking God to help me forgive them completely. I also pray that they know that they have been forgiven by me and more importantly by God. I want them to have a chance to start again with a clean slate.

I don't mind doing this work alone. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until I am right with myself. This is going to take some time and effort but I know that I am worth the effort. When this work is further along then I won't be so quick to hold the past against anyone and that includes me.

Keeping in mind that to forgive doesn't mean I have to put them in a position to repeat the sins of the past. I can forgive and let go at the same time. I will free myself and others so we can go our separate ways. No strings, no pain and nothing to bind either one of us to the past.

Really letting go

I am working on breaking all ties to someone I thought I would love forever. No one said it would be easy. I know that it has to be done and the sooner I break all connections the better it's going to be for both of us.

I spent too much time and life holding on to the past. I know that I held on to the bad. I was angry about the past but that was only half the story. He just didn't know how strongly I held on to the good also. I lived in the past good and tried so hard to stay in that feeling. I wanted the good memories to be the future but the bad past kept repeating itself.

The more I tried to hang on to the good and prevent the bad from happening again the worse it got. The more I tried to make the good grow the more it turned into smoke and ash. We had a few good days and I had a spark of hope. What I thought of as a fresh start was just an illusion. Just so much wishful thinking on my part. We would meet one day a week and do something fun. That didn't last very long at all.

I just want to find lasting happiness in my life. I just want to have peace. I don't want to life in the past any longer. I don't want to feel the fear of the negative cycles repeating themselves over and over again. I wish I knew how to move on without feeling the deep sadness I am living with now. I don't want to feel the pain of watching the last of the good dream crumble. I have talked before about letting go of the dream even when I know it was a dream that would never be.

Tomorrow is another day.

Fibromyalgia Crash

How fun it is to crash - NOT! I am so sore and tired I don't want to do anything yet I am not sleepy and doubt that I could sleep with the pain even if I wanted to. This is no way to live.

There have been a few people in my life that don't understand what I am going through. They act like they think I am imagining things. The act like I am just lazy and don't want to do anything. I have been accused of pretending to be having problems so I could get on disability. I wish that were true in a way. Believe me, I would rather work then feel like I do.

Someone implied that they thought that now I am getting disability that my symptoms would all of a sudden clear up. I am not sure if they thought it was a stress reaction or I was faking it. I didn't ask and don't really care. This is the same person who told me a few times that I would be OK if I would just get off my fat lazy ass. The same person who tried to get me to go for brisk walks no matter how many times I told them that doing that made matters worse.

I woke up this morning feeling like I have had better days and I have had worse days. After relaxing over a couple of cups of tea and goofing off on the computer. I had the patio door open for fresh air and the blinds open for sunlight. I decided to get some house work done. Probably not a good idea thinking back on it.

I have a small apartment and live alone so there really isn't much that needs to be done even on a bad house day. I washed a few dishes, picked up a few things and vacuumed the carpet. That was it. No big tasks or heavy work. It wasn't long before I knew it was nap time. I don't normally nap during the day but there was no way I was going to stay awake.

I went in and curled up in bed with my electric blanket turned on. It wasn't very long before I fell asleep. I honestly don't know what time I went to bed but it was after 6 p.m. when I woke up. The sad part is I was just as tired when I got up as when I went to bed. This is very normal for me. Sometimes I wake up more tired then what I was when I went to sleep - figure that one out!

It never even crossed my mind that I had missed my physical therapy appointment today. I knew it was Thursday and that is the day for my appointment but never connected the two thoughts. I guess it doesn't matter considering I was asleep anyway. I feel bad that I missed going but glad that I didn't go at the same time.

I think I am going to start a journal and see if I can draw some kind of parallel between what I eat, what I do and how I feel. If I start to see a pattern I will post it here.

Physical Therapy for Fibromyalgia

I recently started going to physical therapy for my Fibromyalgia. This started out as a good idea. I thought that it would be a great way to work on my range of motion and improve my flexibility. I The last thing I expected was to have it spark a flare that had me in serious pain for three days even with medication.

I went for a session on Thursday and the pain started to set in about an hour after I left. The pain stayed with me until early Monday. It let up just in time for my next appointment. I told them what had happened to me after I left there. Needless to day my next session was modified.

Here it is almost time to go back for more therapy. I tried to do the exercises they want me to do daily but it's getting harder to motivate myself to do this knowing it's going to cause me more pain then my medication can handle. As I type this point I don't want to have my arms away from my body. It makes doing every day tasks much more difficult. As if I didn't have enough problems with every day life already.

There are times when I wonder how long I can continue to take care of myself. I wonder when the pain and fatigue will reach the point when I won't be able to do the things I need to do. There are times when I go without eating for a day or two because I don't have the energy to make something to eat. Normal things like shopping or laundry seem like overwhelming chores as it is.

The pain is bad enough but when you add deep fatigue with it then you have a bad combination. I have days when I don't have enough energy to do even the most simple of tasks. The confusing part is even though I don't have any energy I have a hard time getting to sleep. It's not the kind of fatigue leads to sleep.

I have tried to look back at when it all began. I think that it started a long time ago and gradually got worse over the years. When I started going to the doctor I was told it was a problem with my thyroid and they gave me pills for that. For the first two weeks I felt great but that was all the relief I ever got from thyroid medication. I kept going back to the doctor and telling them that I was still having the same problems but they didn't listen. I continued to work but it was taking more and more out of me and taking longer and longer to recover on my days off.

We moved to Washington State and I started a job almost right away. I worked in the house keeping department of the local casino. I worked hard scrubbing bathrooms and stainless steel kitchens on the grave yard shift. After a few months I noticed my hands cramping and pain everywhere that took longer and longer to ease up after a shift. I started calling in more often until I lost that job.

That made me head back to the doctor again and again. They kept doing blood work and adjusting my thyroid medicine. I was starting to wonder if I was not being realistic with my level of pain, fatigue and inability to sleep. In short, they had me questioning myself. It didn't help when someone close to me would yell at me to get off my fat, lazy ass.

After a couple of years of trying to explain my symptoms and get someone to listen I was finally diagnosed as having Fibromyalgia. It helped me to know that there was a name for what was happening to me. It helped to know that I wasn't alone with this disease. At least I know that I am not crazy or imagining things.

The problem with loving a Narcissist

Some very disturbing narcissistic traits are discussed here. If the person you love fits this description you would do yourself a huge favor to get out of that situation. Nothing good is ever going to come from that relationship.

This is a very important quote. "with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.

They have a my way or the highway attitude about everything. They will use any fears you have against you. They are especially cruel when they know you have abandonment issues. They will exploit that weakness to the fullest. The more you give in to this treatment the more contempt they have for you. This is a total no win situation.

This is a quote that really says a lot. "Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation."

No matter how much you give them it's never enough. No matter how much you do for them it's never right. They feel that they have a right to what ever is yours. They think that you owe them. The more you give the more they expect. They will suck the life right out of you without a second thought.

Another great quote. "A clue: Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you."

How true this is. It's so easy to fall for this. When you love them and start thinking that just maybe this time they really mean it. They can be so charming that you melt and your resolve to break out of this relationship weakens. You start to believe that there really is a chance for a happy future only to have the rug pulled out from under you in the rudest way possible. The funny part is they make you believe that it's all your fault. Maybe it is because you fell for the same old BS time and time again.

The most important thing to remember is Never love anything that can't love you back.

Tomorrow is a new day

Tomorrow is a new day full of promise. I don't know what it holds but I am starting to have hope that each day will get a little better and a little easier. I am beginning to accept what is. I am beginning to understand that this is the way it has to be.

I was becoming a lot of things that I never expected I would. The only emotions I could feel were anger and fear. Frustration wasn't far behind. I was angry more often then not. I was afraid all the time. I was constantly frustrated. There was no real or lasting joy anywhere in my life.

The frustration of being in a no win situation got the best of me. The pain of holding on became more then the pain of letting go. I was so totally unhappy with life the way it was and was no longer willing to keep living my life that way. I know there is more to life then what I was living but nothing was going to change as long as I was willing to allow it to continue.

Now that I am no longer fighting a battle I can not win it will free my heart. The energy and the life in me were being used in negative ways. Now that I have given up the struggle just maybe I will be able to use that energy in more positive ways. I don't know but at least now I have some kind of hope for the future.

I know that I will be doing a lot of grief work in the weeks and months ahead but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once I let go of all the negative I can grab on to the positive ahead of me. Maybe then I will be able to look back at what was good and right. Maybe then I will be able to smile when I remember the past.

Letting go

The final word were spoken. The last of the emails have been exchanged. Now it's a waiting for the paper work to come to get on with finalizing the end. There will be no more one more tries. No more "what if." The reality starts to settle in.

Just thinking of this is enough to make you feel your heart break. You don't want to accept the situation for what it is. This is when you want to tell yourself little white lies about what is going on. This is also the time when you need to be the most honest with yourself.There is no getting around the truth and eventually you are going to have to face the reality.

Doing the grief work is not going to be easy. Doing the grief work is necessary to moving through it. If you don't release the grief it will stay with you and spring up at the worst possible times. Sooner or later you are going to have to deal with it so you might as well do it early. By trying to deny the negative feelings and avoiding the pain you will only end up feeling it many times over instead of just the one time.

The tears want to flow but you hold them back. You stop breathing in order to stop the sobs that want to work their way up from the depths within. This is when you do need to feel those negative feelings. This is when you do need to let those tears out. Holding back the negative emotions isn't going to make them go away. The truth is if you push them down inside trying to avoid feeling them they will stay with you.

To quote Robert Burney "Allowing ourselves to own the grief does not cause us to lose control - it causes us to feel like we are losing control for a few moments. By learning to allow ourselves to release that pent up pressurized energy in a healing context, we can be empowered to stop letting the past dictate our lives today. "

I don't know how long it will take until I am able to let go of all that I am feeling right now. I am still trying to find a way to convince myself that this just isn't happening. I am still trying to tell myself that there is a reason to hope the situation is going to change. I am still trying to hide from the pain and sorrow. This isn't helping me at all.

How do you forgive yourself and others?

I have been working on forgiveness. There is a part of me that wants to hang on to the anger. A part of me that wants to remember offenses and hold the offender accountable. This is no way to try and live your life. You waste so much energy keeping score but it is so hard to change.

I want them to know that they have hurt me in some way and to sincerely apologize for what they have done. I would then be able to forgive but I never forget. All my life I heard first time shame on you, second time shame on me. Even if I got that apology I was looking for I would be waiting to pounce should the offender do something to me that I could take offense to.

I have made some bad decisions in my life. I have done things that I know I shouldn't do. I have a list of things that I have done that I need to be punished for. I beat myself up over my past mistakes time and time again. The one I can not and will not forgive is ME!

Why do I hang on to the negative? Why do I hang on to the anger and hurt? In an article titled "Learning to Forgive Yourself" on Web MD says the following. "People want to feel pain and resentment? "Oh," exclaims Hartman, "resentment is a very attractive way of putting a barrier around yourself as protection against being hurt again."

Is that what I am doing? Am I trying to protect myself? Is it working for me? These are questions that I have been asking myself. No one likes to be hurt either intentionally or by deed or act of omission by us or someone else. It is especially painful if it is the person you love that has hurt you. It can be a very heavy burden if the person you hurt is one who loves you.

Is this life of protecting myself working for me? NO! I am not gaining anything by living this way. In fact, it is standing in the way of making any progress in any area of my life. I find myself in a worthless cycle of pushing people away so they can't hurt me again. I tell myself that I am better off alone then with some of these people. I end up alone.

There is a lot of medical evidence to show a link between anger and serious diseases like heart attack, stroke and even cancer. Negative emotions affect your immune system giving rise to a host of other diseases and worsening of existing health conditions. I believe that if you hold anger against someone they are also affected in a negative way by this resentment on your part.

This article in Web MD also goes on to say: ""But not without community of some kind. It is in the context of our relationships (whether with therapists, pastors, counselors, churches, families, and friends) that we experience the grace of being forgiven and forgiving others." Grace, of course, is a peace of mind bestowed regardless of whether we deserve it or not.

I am going to quote Mtt 18:21-22 again. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." The article from Web MD does state that "Forgiveness is never complete unless people and relationships are transformed in the process." That transformation, of course, could involve never repeating the action.

Starting today I am going to stand on the word of God. Today I am going to believe that he has cast my sins as far from me as east is from west. I am going to stand on faith that the grace of God is renewed every morning. I believe the reason it is renewed in this way because God knows we need it!

I have said before that I have a vision of a healing ministry. I have asked how can I heal someone else if I can't heal myself. The healing I need is inside of me. I finally see that. I need to forgive me for my past and the mistakes I have made. This will free me to be able to help others with true healing that will change their lives and give the glory to God.

Emotional Vampires - Narcissism

Emotional vampires are everywhere. Chances are good that you had at least one close encounter with one. The first thing I would recommend is finding out what an emotional vampire is. Second is to learn how to identify them quickly when you encounter one. Most important is getting the help you need to break away from them completely if you realize that you are in a relationship with one.

In the beginning they pretend to be your soul mate. They find out what makes you tick and they pretend to be something they are not in order to get deep into the heart of you. It's easy to get drawn in by their act. It's easy to become emotionally attracted to and attached to an emotional vampire. They are so charming and pretend to be warm and loving. Trust me, they are neither warm nor loving to anyone but themselves.

Once they have worked their way deeply into who you are their true nature starts to show. They have set their trap and caught you in it. Slowly but surely they become very demanding. Slowly they start to separate you from all the little things that make you who you are. They will go against themselves to be opposite you and then force you to accept their position on any and every issue. They slowly undermine your self confidence on every level until you become codependent on them. It will eventually come down to a their way or the highway situation on even the least important issue.

A prime example of an emotional vampire going opposite himself or herself are they will almost freeze to death before they let you turn the heat on if they know you are bothered by the cold. It matters not how uncomfortable they are as long as you are miserable.

Once a narcissist thinks he has you drawn in to them they slowly chip away at the things that make you who you are. They know the things that bring you any degree of happiness and try to separate you from them with their complaining, sulking and pouting. An example might be if they know you like to watch sports they will insist that they don't. Every time you try to watch a game they cause a fuss or pout becoming sullen and withdrawn. They complain every time you try to watch a game until watching is no longer worth all you have to go through to do so.

Another little game the narcissist will play is to ask you if you like this or that better. If you say this then they will say they like that better then force you to accept that. An example of that is they ask if you like beef ribs or pork ribs better. No matter which one you pick they are sure to say they like the other better.

If you say you have no real preference and it doesn't matter to you one way or another it frustrates them. They will ask you a few times over a period of time to try to get you to commit one way or the other. This will upset and frustrate them to the point that they will get angry because you won't play their game by their rules. An example might be if you really won't say that you like beef ribs better then you like pork ribs they could become so angry that they will go so far as to say they have become vegetarians at some point. They will be vegetarians when they are around you but when you are no where to be seen they will eat all the hamburgers they can fit in their stomach.

Next the instigating begins. When you live with someone you get to know their quirks. They know that if it bothers you to have dirty dishes on the side of the sink you can bet that is where every cup, glass, dish and piece of silverware will end up. Every time you go to the kitchen there will be a collection of dirty dishes waiting for you to say something about it. They will go out of their way to get in your way and do the things that annoy you.

A favorite trick of the narcissist is to think that what ever they do is OK. If you catch them at it then you are the one who is wrong. If you don't catch them they will rub your nose in what they were getting away with behind your back once they tire of it. Not because they feel guilty but you are not playing the game and finding out for yourself. They can have sex with whomever or whatever they want and expect you to stay monogamous.

The easy way to tell what a narcissist is doing is take note of what they accuse you or someone else of doing. That is the first hint you will get from them. If they accuse you of reading personal ads on line you can bet that they are doing just that. If they accuse you of cheating even though you have never given them a reason to think that way about you then you know what they are doing. If they accuse you of being high or taking drugs, well you get the idea.

If you become involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist it is very hard to end the relationship. They know how to play on your fears and insecurities. They are not above using emotional blackmail to coerce you into doing as they wish. Breaking away is never easy but absolutely necessary to you for your own mental health. If you can't get away on your own be sure to get all the help you can from professionals who are trained in this area of counseling.

In closing I will say THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE OR NARCISSIST WILL READ THIS AND SWEAR IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM PERSONALLY! They will take this as an attack on them and maybe even lash out because of it. Let them rant about you all they want. They have their story and you have the truth. The more they whine to their family and friends and insist that they were the one who was abused the more they will show themselves to fit the descriptions in this blog.

I recommend reading this page for 10 steps to freedom from a narcissist.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is mentioned in the bible many times. I know that this is something we all struggle with from time to time. When we feel that someone has hurt us we get angry. We want to hold on to that anger because we were wounded. We feel justified for being angry and don't want to let it go. What we don't realize is the only person we are hurting by being unforgiving is ourselves. There are many reasons why we should learn how to forgive. I am going to quote from a few places in the bible where Jesus talks about forgiveness. I am going to be teaching from Matthew chapter 6 verse 9, Matthew chapter 18 verse 21 ,Mark chapter 11 verse 25. and Luke chapter 23 verse 34.

Turn your bible to chapter 6 verse 9. I will be reading from the King James Version. The words are in red so we know that it is Jesus speaking. He is teaching his disciples when he said " ⁹After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.¹⁰Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.¹¹Give us this day our daily bread.¹²And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.¹³And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen."

After Jesus taught this prayer He went on to say in verse ^"14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:¹⁵But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

If Jesus repeated Himself it was because He knew that what He was saying was important. He wanted to make sure that it was understood. He repeated Himself to be sure what He said was not only understood but remembered as well.

Turn your bible to Matthew chapter 18 verse 21 and read " ²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? ²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

That is a lot of forgiving. I know that for me it would be a hard thing to do. In the past I would give lip service and say I forgive but keep bitterness and resentment in my heart. The next time I got angry all of the past would come spewing out of my mouth like a runway freight train. This is NOT what Jesus meant when He told us to forgive. I am making progress in this area but know that I have much more work to do.

Turn your bible to Mark chapter 11 " ²⁵And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.²⁶But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."

Jesus again says to forgive and you will be forgiven. If you don't forgive you won't be forgiven. This is obviously very important and we are to forgive. No one said it would be easy but Jesus did say it enough times that we should know how serious this is.

Finally turn your bible to Luke chapter 23 "³⁴Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

Even from the cross Jesus asked His father to forgive those who crucified Him. How many of us would be willing to forgive someone so quickly for anything? How many of us understand that if Jesus asked forgiveness even under those circumstances that we need to follow that example and learn how to honestly forgive the people we come in contact with? It's something to think about.

In closing I would like to pray. God, teach me how to really forgive. Teach me how to let go of the bitterness and anger that I feel. Teach me how to love others unconditionally the way you love me. Teach me how to forgive myself for the things in my past that are holding me back and keeping me in chains. These things I pray in Jesus name. Amen.

Dream Symbols - real or not

I would like to know if symbols in dreams really can be interpreted or is it just so much hot air. Could these people who claim to be able to tell you what you dreams mean really be right? There are many sites that claim to be able to tell you what each symbol means. I just don't know but I have had an experience with a repeating dream that was pretty darn close when I finally checked a dictionary.

I had a dream over and over again. As with other repeating dreams I have had in the past I knew that it wouldn't stop until I told someone about it or some event that was in the general area of the dream occurred. I am very reluctant to tell anyone about my dreams. This one repeat dream had to be stopped so I told the person who was involved in the dream but only by mistaken identity. Thankfully I don't have this dream any more. I don't think I will be talking to anyone about my dreams and I need a way to get get rid of the nightmares. I will be sharing them here in the hope that it will help.

The dream was about a man who was killed in a hotel down town. The police came and made me go there and they tried to say I had been the one who did this. I was traumatized by the sights and smells of that room. The victim was handcuffed to the head board. I tried to tell them that the victim was not that of the person they thought it was and I had no idea who that person was.

He was wrongly identified by his family when they were shown a picture of a tattoo the victim had. I tried to tell the police that was not his tattoo and it was on the wrong arm. The police had not finger printed the victim and I tried to convince them to do that because the person who they thought it was had their finger prints on file

One of the police officers didn't believe me and beat me to the point I had to be hospitalized and in a halo due to a broken neck among other injuries.

I didn't share all of the dream because I just wanted to get enough out so the dreams would stop. There was more to the dream that I am not going to share here. I just want to give enough of the dream to show where the symbols are and how the definitions tie in to the dream. It looks about right to me but I am not convinced that there is something to this.

I looked up the symbols in the dream and found this:

1)dead body: The end of a phase in some area of your life.

If the dead person is someone you know, it can represent that you consider that person to be reaching the end of some phase before the beginning of the next, or it can mean that you are afraid of that person dying or becoming unavailable to you.

2)blood: Life force, life energy, or the essence of humanity.

3)Being or feeling falsely accused can represent: A real life, feared, or imagined situation where you felt blamed for something you didn't do

A denial of or failure to accept responsibility for something you did

Feeling that the world is a harsh, vengeful, or blaming place

4)handcuffs: restrained Lack of freedom or power. Feeling unable to move, escape a situation, or make progress somehow in your life.

5)A figure with a halo can represent: Your desire for spiritual guidance, comfort, support, etc.

6)Being attacked, beaten, or tortured can represent: A feeling or fear of persecution, hostility, aggression, criticism, etc. from by another person or by "people in general"

A situation where you feel or fear your boundaries being crossed or your integrity compromised by someone else

7)tattoo Consider what comes to mind when you think of the particular tattoo, and of tattoos in general. A tattoo can represent something about its wearer, according to the perspective of the dreamer. Examples include:

The way the dreamer thinks the tattoo wearer tries to portray themselves to the world

The particular impression the dreamer thinks the wearer wants people to have of them

Self-expression

Belonging to a certain group or crowd

When you have done all you can do

How do you know when you have done all you can do to keep your relationship alive and and there is nothing more you can do? How do you know in your heart that it's time to move on? How do you know when you have given all you have to a relationship that isn't working then it's time to stop giving?

The daunting question is where that line should be if it should exist at all. Do we have a running meter beside everyone's name? Do we use the same measure with everyone or is this set at some arbitrary level for each person we meet? How much behavior we consider unacceptable can we be expected to forgive? Can that "acceptable" level be adjusted as our relationship with each person changes?

How much should you compromise in the name of harmony? How many things that you enjoy should you give up that make you who you are? Should you compromise your moral values? Should there be a line and where do you draw it?

The most important question is when to remove yourself from a situation that isn't right. How do you know when there is no way that relationship is going to turn around and start moving on a positive path? When do you know that it's time to just let go? How do you avoid wondering if there was something you could have done or said to make a difference?

I have changed my thoughts and opinions on these and many more questions throughout my life. I know that I have changed my answers to these questions many times as I change and grow. There are some answers that are chiseled in stone but not all are that cut and dry.

Is that you God?

I sometimes struggle with life and making some decisions. When I don't know what to do I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for God to reveal his path for me. I hear the voice in my head and I hear the voices in my heart all saying different things. I am never sure which one to follow.

At this point I don't know if the voice in my heart is the voice God or if' it's just my own desires. I want to do what God wants me to do. I know that he hears and answers prayers. He answers them in ways we never expect. I want to be open and receptive to what ever means of communication God chooses to use.

I have heard preachers say that there are provisos and a lot of quid pro quo. Even though I don't believe this I find it hard to get it out of my mind. I keep checking myself and wondering if I have too much in my past that keeps blocking my prayers. I wonder if I have done the things that God requires in order to get His attention.

I struggle with issues of feeling unworthy. I ask myself who am I that God would give me a moment of His time. The bible says in Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." I have a hard time believing that those words apply to me.

I do read the bible. I can't quote scripture exactly. I don't memorize chapter and verse. I do try to remember the meaning and feelings described in the stories I read. There is a lesson to be learned with an example. I do have a hard time finding specific things in the bible. It's not easy to find something in the bible that talks directly to the question I have at the time.

I want to do the right things for the right reasons. I don't want to go around doing whatever I want and justifying it all by thinking that I am following God. For me that would be the same as someone saying that the devil tempted me. The same justification for doing what it is they wanted to do in the first place. The only difference is the focus of the "blame". Both being some force outside that we have no control over.

I want to follow the voice of God. I want to be what it is He wants me to be. I want to do the things He wants me to do. His plans for me are so much better then anything I could dream or imagine.

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith or did He know who He was? I have looked all around with no answer to this question. I asked the minister's wife after prayer tonight just to hear what she believes. I have my own thoughts on this and would like to share them. I have never heard anyone explain it this way. My understanding is a little off the beaten path and I don't expect to change anyone's mind. If I have given you food for thought then I have done well.

It is my belief that Jesus himself was saved by grace through faith. I have heard in sermons that Jesus lived a sinless life and because of that He sits at the right hand of God. I disagree with that assertion. If that was the case then Jesus was saved by works.

When Jesus was on the earth He was fully man. The bible clearly states "For by GRACE you have been saved through FAITH; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God; not as a result of WORKS, so that no one may boast." Jesus is the first fruits of the resurrected. All fruit is harvested in the same manner. We are saved by grace through faith not by works. Jesus must have been saved in the same way.

The bible also states that "without faith it is impossible to please God. To me this means that Jesus had to accept God and His promises by FAITH not by foreknowledge because He remembered or knew who He Himself was. The bible clearly tell us that when Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist that a dove came down and rested on Jesus. Suddenly there was a voice from Heaven saying "You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased."

If Jesus knew who He was and knew that He would be resurrected after three days and nights then He would not have sweat blood when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane? It is my belief that He took it that He would be raised from the dead on faith alone. If He remembered that He was God and immortal then there was no sacrifice. By definition you can NOT kill an immortal.

What do you think? If I am wrong in any of this please let me know. I want to know the truth. I want to understand.

Life with Fibromyalgia

The first symptoms I noticed were soon after I got in the truck with my husband. That was back in 2001 or 2002 when I started having problems with fatigue. I had pain in my shoulder and hands for many years before that. Even though the pain was getting worse I didn't worry about it very much.

At first I thought the fatigue was caused by the long hours and odd sleep schedule. The fatigue would get so deep that just reaching for something on the dash board was almost more then what I could do. When I passed on taking a shower my husband knew that this was a serious situation because he knew how much I looked forward to shower time.

We stopped driving because of my husband's health problems. I ended up working at a Waffle House then at a McD's for almost a year before we moved to the state we live in now. The funny thing is I could walk down the stairs, walk to work, stay on my feet all day, walk home but when I got to the bottom of the stairs I would pause. Walking up one flight of stairs was like climbing a huge mountain.

When we moved here I got a job at the local casino in the housekeeping department. I worked hard but really did enjoy the job. I noticed that at the end of the week I would be so sore and tired that it would take all my time off to recover. It wasn't long before I couldn't make it to the end of the week. I started calling in sick until I couldn't go in any more.

I finally had to admit that I just couldn't work any more. It was with a heavy heart that I finally had to accept the truth of my situation and file for disability. After a five year fight I was given a fully favorable decision at my hearing last November.

My daughter and her daughter are visiting from across the country and my son and his fiancee will be here for a visit soon. The sun is shining. I am very happy indeed yet I feel totally awful today. In fact, I haven't felt good for a couple of days.

I got to watch a hockey game and my team won. I watched a couple of movies that I like. My two daughters and one granddaughter came over the other day and we laughed until we almost cried. These are all good things for sure!

I ache all over and have absolutely no energy. I have pretty much sat in my chair for a couple of days. I only do the things I have to get done. Even that is a huge chore. I am tired but not the sleepy tired. I have no energy and I have no strength. I want to go outside but don't have life enough to get dressed. I am almost out of cat food but can't seem to get to the store.

I know that I have depression but you would think that would be balanced out with the positive that I am feeling. I have been edgy and irritable as well. I have a hard time falling asleep but when I do I sleep without dreams mostly. I have a hard time waking up.

My husband and I are having problems and this is not good. We were standing on the edge of filing for divorce but we started emailing last night. We started to talk about counseling before we do anything. This is a good sign and a step in the right direction. I even have a more positive outlook in that area now.

My thoughts are happy ones. While I am sitting here I am playing online and not thinking about the negative at all. It's not like I sit here thinking of things, events or people that make me angry because I know this will only suck the life out of me. I think about what I am doing that is fun. I think about the people I love.

I pray as I sit here also. I pray for guidance. I pray for my family and friends.

Divorce - the finality of it all.

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between married persons. In most countries divorce requires the sanction of a judge or other authority in a legal process.

It sounds so easy when you read the above definition. The word "termination" sounds so cold and so sterile. I guess it would be easy if not for the emotions involved.

I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of loss right now. I know it will take a lot of grief work to be able to look forward again. Even though the relationship was not the best it was who I was. It was where I got my identity. I was his wife. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he is hurting and feels the sadness that fills all of me.

We will sign the papers on Monday and call it quits after 9 years. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who I am any more. My heart is going into panic mode and wants to stop the madness that is divorce.

I wish I could stay angry at him. It would make this process all the easier. We were together for a short while the other day and I felt the same love for him that I always have had. We had some errands that had to be done and tried to sit down to fill out THE PAPERS. That didn't last long. Before I knew it we were in another argument. We are going to try again to go over the papers on Monday.

I wonder if he feels the same about me when we are together. I wonder if the fights are meant to break the feelings of being together. I wonder if in the calm times he feels the love we shared. I wonder if he wants that back. I wonder if he still believes in the dream of what could be.

So this is what depression feel like.

So this is what depression feels like. I have had times in my life before that have seemed dark and lonely but this is the worst time I can remember. I am going to be a while getting through this storm in life. My games are no longer fun. I don't want to watch my favorite movies or listen to any music. In fact, I want the house to be totally silent as a testimony to the empty.

I have zero interest in the things that were always fun and enjoyable for me. I want to be happy and think about the good things going on around me but this is almost impossible to do. All I can feel is the emptiness within. The feeling that something valuable has been completely taken away from me and I can't get it back.

It's hard to let go of a dream even when you know that dream will never come true. Without knowing it, I entered this relationship with a dream of what could be. It was painful watching that dream crumble into dust. At first the break down started out slowly. The harder I tried to cling to the last standing pieces the quicker it all fell apart until there was nothing left to hold onto. When the dust settled there was nothing left of the dream.

I tried every thing I knew to make that dream become a reality but it was never meant to be. I fell in love with what I thought was someone's potential and not who they really were. I fell in love with the person I thought he was without taking the time to get to know the real him.

I was able to accept his past without question. That was not the problem. It is the things he continues to do that eats away at my soul. I tried so hard to forgive but I couldn't forget. When I finally recognized the pattern it became hard to ignore.

We would have a wonderful relationship that would start to slowly break down. He would start bitching and nagging about silly things. He would do more and more things that he knew would aggravate me on purpose. He would start acting like he was hiding something and acting very suspiciously. All of these things would build to the flash point.

I would start to snoop and most of the time I found things I really didn't want to know about. I would confront him and all hell would break lose. The times that I didn't actually find out myself he would "confess" to what he had done.

He justified most of his affairs saying it was OK because we were separated at the time. The truth is we were what I thought happy when most of these things would start. I believe that most of the fights were so he could justify what he was doing. To blame me for the things he chose to do. Then he would tell me I don't take responsibility for what I do.

He knows that I can try to forgive but I can't forget as long as he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He says I keep bringing up the past and I say that he is the one who keeps bringing up the past by doing the same thing over and over again. He refuses to disassociate himself from the people he was with when he did the things he knows a married man has no business doing.

He will be filing for divorce soon. Even though I know that nothing will ever change and I can't go on any more it's still hard to let go.

Visions of a Healing Ministry

When I lived in Indiana I started watching TBN. I would watch the shows about healing through faith. I would cheer when people would give their testimony of the miracle healing they received.

I prayed to God that He would use me in this way. That I could share my faith with other people to help them receive the promises of God in their lives. I wanted to be able to help those who had need to release their faith and get their breakthrough.

About nine years ago I started having dreams and visions of a healing ministry. I told my husband of this dream and casually mentioned it to the pastors of a couple of churches we were considering becoming members of. These pastors were not receptive so I stopped talking about it. The dreams and visions would not go away.

In my dreams and visions, I could clearly see people receive their healing. I could hear the shouts of surprise and joy when they realized they had been healed. I could hear people praise God and worship Him with all their hearts.

I don't know when the attacks on my belief and faith in the miracle healing of God started. At first the attack was in the form of guilt about my past. I was reminded of every mistake I have ever made. I was "told" that I am not worthy that God would even hear me let alone use me in any way. I was able to shrug this off. We have all read the stories in the bible of the people who were changed and able to do God's work. We read that God only wants us to be willing and He will do the rest. We read that redemption and forgiveness of sins are our gifts from God. These gifts were made possible by the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross.

The next thing to come under attack was my husband's health. He has two issues of blood that he talks about in his blogs. On two occasions he was so sick he almost died. He was then and still is being followed by the doctor with regular blood tests for his CD4 count and his viral load. We were blessed in the fact that he was non-progressive and at times his viral load and CD4 counts were even improving.

The attack came to say how foolish I was to consider having a healing ministry when I couldn't even help my husband. The attack also went on to say if God would or even could heal then why didn't he heal my husband? The attack was becoming very personal and harder to ignore but I hung on to my faith in the healing power of God. I have read the book of Job a few times to get the message into my heart. I told my husband many times that my faith is unshakable and that I believed that God could and would heal him.

Our marriage became the next target of the adversary. We have had more then our share of strife. We have both said the words "I give up" on more then one occasion. We have separated more times then I can count and even filed for divorce.

God speaks to our hearts and brings us back to remembering and seeing the good in each other. The love we have for each other always brings us back together. I know that I know that this is the healing power of God working in our lives. Instead of breaking my faith this has served to strengthen my belief in the healing power of God. I know that this is the only thing that could possibly change our circumstances and bring us back together.

Over the past several years I have watched my own health deteriorate slowly. This is the latest attack of the enemy. There are so many things I could do with little or no effort a few years ago that I just struggle with today. There are some things I just can't do at all. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia after going to doctors in two states and re-telling them my symptoms.

The best I can hope for most days is to just be uncomfortable. I am in physical pain most of the time. I don't sleep well and because of that I am tired all the time. I get cranky and easily upset over the dumbest things. I was on medication but because of the changes to my medical coverage I could no longer get the prescriptions filled.

I find myself under attack every day. This little voice whispers in my ear saying where is God now? IF God is willing and able why then hasn't he healed me? Why do you believe in something that hasn't happened? Why don't I just give up? I don't deserve to be healed, and so on.

I remind myself of the story of Job again. Job never gave up hope. He never gave up his faith. He put his life in God's hands. Job would not curse God and neither will I. I do not blame God for the things that have happened in my life. I do know that what the adversary meant for evil God can use to produce the biggest blessings in my life.

I think about Paul. What was the key to Paul’s amazing spiritual success? How did he live such a victorious life? He answered those questions in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote these powerful words: “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

Living With and Loving someone who is HIV/AIDS and HCV Positive when you are not *Repost

*Special not to A. I had to re-post this. - I deleted this post by accident when I was cleaning out some drafts. I lost your comment and my reply to it. Please contact me again.

Living with someone who is HIV and HCV co infected has special challenges. First is taking the time to learn the truth about both diseases. Second is taking the necessary steps to insure that you don't become infected yourself. After that the only challenges are the ones common to all relationships.

I met Rick online and before we met in person and he told me that he was HIV and HCV co infected. That had to be very hard for him to do. He knew that there was a possibility that I would say thanks but no thanks. I didn't. When we met in person he put his arm around me and I knew that was where I wanted to stay forever.

I have to admit that I didn't know anything about either disease or how easily they were transmitted from one person to the next. I wasn't going to reject the person out of ignorance so I started to learn about both HIV and HCV.

The first thing I found out is the people who know your partner is HIV positive treat you as if you were positive also. It seems as if their thinking is if you are with someone who is positive then you MUST be infected as well. This isn't always true. Rick and I have been married for almost eight years. In the course of those years I have been tested several times for both HIV and HCV. The tests always come back as negative. My most recent test was this past January.

What precautions do we take to keep me safe? About the only major thing is we practice safer sex. I do not touch his tooth brush or shaving equipment at all. These are things that can have trace amounts of blood on them no matter how careful you are to clean them after use. Rick is also vigilent and makes sure he puts his personal care items away after use.

The other thing is to be sure there are no "booby traps" around the house. This makes for common sense even if you are not infected. By booby traps I mean making sure there is nothing around the house that you could scrape or cut yourself on. Knives are always stored properly. Anything that breaks is cleaned up right away. If either one of us does get hurt we make sure that the site is cleaned up right away.

Rick is careful to keep any cuts that he does get covered until they heal. He lets me know right away if he gets hurt and where he got hurt. He is careful in the kitchen and bathroom. He does the necessary to keep me safe from exposure.

But how does it feel to be in love with someone who is HIV positive? How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their weakened immune system could be further compromised to the point of collapse? With all my research I have not found a site that can help me answer these basic but important questions.

When you enter into a relationship you believe it is going to be long term. You can't build a future for the relationship thinking that the other person won't be there to share in it. So I adopted an attitude that we are going to beat this disease some how. If not beat it at least keep it at bay. I want to and have to believe that he is going to always be there with me.

Some may say that I am living in denial of the facts. Let them think what they want. I am not going to live every day in fear of losing the love of my life. I have an attitude of gratitude for every day. (even the bad ones) No one is guaranteed tomorrow but we plan for it anyway and expect to be there when it happens.

How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their immune system could collapse? These are good questions that I live with.

I try to focus on the positive side of health. I do keep a watchful eye out for signs of any wound infection. I watch for any signs of jaundice. I watch for signs of any kind of fever. Other then that, I don't conciously think about the "what if's." I try to be watchful but not obsessive about it. I don't want to overlook something small that could turn into a big problem that could have been avoided had it been treated earlier.

The other thing I have is faith. I believe that what ever happens is in the hands of God. That He is there for me through anything that happens here on earth. He hears our prayers and answsers them. We may not understand all his ways but His way is the right way.

I believe that God brought Rick and I together for a reason. I also believe that he didn't bring us together just to tear us apart. That through the grace of God Rick will stay non-progressive. This simple faith helps me handle any fear that I might have.

I am a two time cancer survivor so I guess I have a diferent way of looking at life in general. I have never once asked "why me" about cancer. I know why but that's another blog. I don't worry about "what if" I become infected. I know I will handle it the same way I did when I found out I had cancer for the second time. I will do the necessary to have the most positive outcome. Eleven years and counting I am still cancer free. Eight years and counting and I am still HIV and HCV free. Thank God!

There are a lot of sites dedicated to living with HIV/AIDS but I didn't find any for the uninfected partner. If there is a good response to this blog then I will start one. I look forward to getting comments on this blog. Please comment me.

7 comments:

makeshiftspaces said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what kinds of challenges there are to living like this. It is definitely encouraging to see that your love for your husband makes all of those precautions worth it.

March 8, 2009 6:38 PM

whispering wind said...

My husband is the love of my life.
We have to make adjustments and make sure that I am not exposed to anything. At times that can take a little shine of the moment but over all the joy of being with that one special person makes all the difference.
I am going to post another blog that goes deeper into the feelings and adjustments in the future.

March 8, 2009 7:54 PM

Strongerbecauseiamlovedbyapos said...

Wow. I met my love online as well. 3 months after we met. He told me his doctor was testing him for hiv and hep c. He was HIV+. Days later, he was diagnosed with hiv. His ex girlfriend cheated and gave it to not only him, but 3 other people she has slept with. It did not matter to me, I couldn't leave. I loved this man. I stayed, 3 years later, I am his fiance. He now has been diagnosed with Aids(last summer) and this past winter he beat KS. His KS is back, stomach and in the soft tissue of his mouth. His time left with me is short. Standing back from this situation, I would not change a day of it. We are going to be married at some point this summer. Thank You for sharing your story. It is not an easy thing to do as we HIV/Aids- partners get stuck with this label. Well, I am not a label, I am loved, as are you. Good luck in His and Your journey.

June 25, 2009 10:47 AM

nena79 said...

I met the love of my life five years ago and but the relation ship did not work out and we seperated only to encounter each other again 3 years later and began a two year relationship. We found out he was HIV+ 5 months after we began dating and I have been tested several time since and have been negative. I refused to leave because this man was the man that I truly believed was the love I had been waiting for. I have watched him go into a downward spiral emotionally and he began to become very abusive towards me even though I only wanted to love him. I guess I became the target of his fear and distress over the disease. Regardless, I assured him that I would not leave him because I loved him before this I knew about this disease and I would love him after. Sadly, he pushed me away and we have been seperated for 5 weeks now. He refuses to speak to me and I am devestated.I believed that loving him could do no harm and he would in turn see that I was devoted to seeing him through the difficult road ahead but now I am just heartbroken. Although difficult because of the stigma that HIV/AIDS has I felt that I was determined to provide the best possible "normal" life we could have together but he didn't see it that way. I am still in shock and the hurt as yet to diminish one bit since I can't even get close enough to him to help him with the emotional pain he is going through.

September 9, 2009 7:59 PM

Whispering Wind said...

Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this thread. Long story.

Strongbecauseiamlovedbyapos: That seems to be a common thread with us. I am going to write on that in just a few minutes. Know that we share the same heart ache.

nena79 I tried to provide that normal life. I tried to build a future for us with the idea that he would always be there with me. I am also devastated by the break up.

October 6, 2009 11:12 AM

chrisopher32 said...

I know how you feel. I have recently met a wonderful person, His name is James. He is HIV Positive and I am not. He told me he was on the second date. He just found out in July, So alot of this is new to him as well as me. I am falling so hard for him. I do have worries about HIV. I told him I would be there for him, I hope I can be strong for him. I dont know what I would do if I loose him.

November 3, 2009 10:57 PM

Whispering Wind said...

First things first. I highly recommend getting the facts about HIV/AIDS from reliable sources. Don't "think" you know. Educate yourself so that you really DO know.
I made a decision to love and have never once regretted it.

December 27, 2009 6:07 PM