Divorce - the finality of it all.

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between married persons. In most countries divorce requires the sanction of a judge or other authority in a legal process.

It sounds so easy when you read the above definition. The word "termination" sounds so cold and so sterile. I guess it would be easy if not for the emotions involved.

I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of loss right now. I know it will take a lot of grief work to be able to look forward again. Even though the relationship was not the best it was who I was. It was where I got my identity. I was his wife. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he is hurting and feels the sadness that fills all of me.

We will sign the papers on Monday and call it quits after 9 years. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who I am any more. My heart is going into panic mode and wants to stop the madness that is divorce.

I wish I could stay angry at him. It would make this process all the easier. We were together for a short while the other day and I felt the same love for him that I always have had. We had some errands that had to be done and tried to sit down to fill out THE PAPERS. That didn't last long. Before I knew it we were in another argument. We are going to try again to go over the papers on Monday.

I wonder if he feels the same about me when we are together. I wonder if the fights are meant to break the feelings of being together. I wonder if in the calm times he feels the love we shared. I wonder if he wants that back. I wonder if he still believes in the dream of what could be.