My need to be needed

I found this wonderful site that hit home with me. I am going to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the truth to this site that discusses some very important Life Strategies. I found this quite by accident. I believe that working with a site on codependency that I have been working with for a few years.

I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.

Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.

When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.

I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.

This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.