So this is what depression feel like.

So this is what depression feels like. I have had times in my life before that have seemed dark and lonely but this is the worst time I can remember. I am going to be a while getting through this storm in life. My games are no longer fun. I don't want to watch my favorite movies or listen to any music. In fact, I want the house to be totally silent as a testimony to the empty.

I have zero interest in the things that were always fun and enjoyable for me. I want to be happy and think about the good things going on around me but this is almost impossible to do. All I can feel is the emptiness within. The feeling that something valuable has been completely taken away from me and I can't get it back.

It's hard to let go of a dream even when you know that dream will never come true. Without knowing it, I entered this relationship with a dream of what could be. It was painful watching that dream crumble into dust. At first the break down started out slowly. The harder I tried to cling to the last standing pieces the quicker it all fell apart until there was nothing left to hold onto. When the dust settled there was nothing left of the dream.

I tried every thing I knew to make that dream become a reality but it was never meant to be. I fell in love with what I thought was someone's potential and not who they really were. I fell in love with the person I thought he was without taking the time to get to know the real him.

I was able to accept his past without question. That was not the problem. It is the things he continues to do that eats away at my soul. I tried so hard to forgive but I couldn't forget. When I finally recognized the pattern it became hard to ignore.

We would have a wonderful relationship that would start to slowly break down. He would start bitching and nagging about silly things. He would do more and more things that he knew would aggravate me on purpose. He would start acting like he was hiding something and acting very suspiciously. All of these things would build to the flash point.

I would start to snoop and most of the time I found things I really didn't want to know about. I would confront him and all hell would break lose. The times that I didn't actually find out myself he would "confess" to what he had done.

He justified most of his affairs saying it was OK because we were separated at the time. The truth is we were what I thought happy when most of these things would start. I believe that most of the fights were so he could justify what he was doing. To blame me for the things he chose to do. Then he would tell me I don't take responsibility for what I do.

He knows that I can try to forgive but I can't forget as long as he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He says I keep bringing up the past and I say that he is the one who keeps bringing up the past by doing the same thing over and over again. He refuses to disassociate himself from the people he was with when he did the things he knows a married man has no business doing.

He will be filing for divorce soon. Even though I know that nothing will ever change and I can't go on any more it's still hard to let go.