How do you forgive yourself and others?

I have been working on forgiveness. There is a part of me that wants to hang on to the anger. A part of me that wants to remember offenses and hold the offender accountable. This is no way to try and live your life. You waste so much energy keeping score but it is so hard to change.

I want them to know that they have hurt me in some way and to sincerely apologize for what they have done. I would then be able to forgive but I never forget. All my life I heard first time shame on you, second time shame on me. Even if I got that apology I was looking for I would be waiting to pounce should the offender do something to me that I could take offense to.

I have made some bad decisions in my life. I have done things that I know I shouldn't do. I have a list of things that I have done that I need to be punished for. I beat myself up over my past mistakes time and time again. The one I can not and will not forgive is ME!

Why do I hang on to the negative? Why do I hang on to the anger and hurt? In an article titled "Learning to Forgive Yourself" on Web MD says the following. "People want to feel pain and resentment? "Oh," exclaims Hartman, "resentment is a very attractive way of putting a barrier around yourself as protection against being hurt again."

Is that what I am doing? Am I trying to protect myself? Is it working for me? These are questions that I have been asking myself. No one likes to be hurt either intentionally or by deed or act of omission by us or someone else. It is especially painful if it is the person you love that has hurt you. It can be a very heavy burden if the person you hurt is one who loves you.

Is this life of protecting myself working for me? NO! I am not gaining anything by living this way. In fact, it is standing in the way of making any progress in any area of my life. I find myself in a worthless cycle of pushing people away so they can't hurt me again. I tell myself that I am better off alone then with some of these people. I end up alone.

There is a lot of medical evidence to show a link between anger and serious diseases like heart attack, stroke and even cancer. Negative emotions affect your immune system giving rise to a host of other diseases and worsening of existing health conditions. I believe that if you hold anger against someone they are also affected in a negative way by this resentment on your part.

This article in Web MD also goes on to say: ""But not without community of some kind. It is in the context of our relationships (whether with therapists, pastors, counselors, churches, families, and friends) that we experience the grace of being forgiven and forgiving others." Grace, of course, is a peace of mind bestowed regardless of whether we deserve it or not.

I am going to quote Mtt 18:21-22 again. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." The article from Web MD does state that "Forgiveness is never complete unless people and relationships are transformed in the process." That transformation, of course, could involve never repeating the action.

Starting today I am going to stand on the word of God. Today I am going to believe that he has cast my sins as far from me as east is from west. I am going to stand on faith that the grace of God is renewed every morning. I believe the reason it is renewed in this way because God knows we need it!

I have said before that I have a vision of a healing ministry. I have asked how can I heal someone else if I can't heal myself. The healing I need is inside of me. I finally see that. I need to forgive me for my past and the mistakes I have made. This will free me to be able to help others with true healing that will change their lives and give the glory to God.