Today is another day

Time seems to be moving much slower then it should today. Part of me just wants this day to be over so I can curl up in bed and go to sleep. I am not feeling too upbeat or positive today. It's a beautiful day out but I have no place to go and all day to get there.

I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.

I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.

I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?

I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.

One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.

That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.