My Personality

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Monday, September 2, 2013

Labor Day weekend

This is the "official" end of summer and a three day weekend. It's been an interesting summer but not one that I will want to remember. I had my ups and downs to say the least. I had my good moments and my not so good moments. I guess you have to take the bad with the good. Either way, you can't change what has been done.
Soon the rain will start again and I am not looking forward to that. At least my allergies won't be so bad. I guess that's a good thing. It just makes it hard to drive at night when it seems that your headlights aren't working. I don't go out at night very often anyway. Let's hope there are no emergency runs for something I just ran out of or forgot to get during the day.
I want to move the furniture around again so the couch isn't in front of the heater. That means moving my computer desk and I don't know if it's going to survive another move. The poor thing is on it's last leg. I have had it a long time and it's been well used and abused. That is going to have to be a task for another day. Just not up to it right now.
In the middle of a fibro crash. I think I can do anything until I get up and try to get going. Then I realize that my get up and go got up and went. I quietly sit back down and try to keep my mind occupied doing things that don't take any energy to do. I have been able to keep up with taking care of the cats, cooking my meals and most of the housework but that's about it for me.
Lately I have been playing games on Facebook. Even that gets old after a while. I chat on message boards but with all the trolls there it's hard to have a conversation with anyone. We talk about religion and that can prove to be very interesting to me. You get to chat with people from different parts of the country that you would never get to talk to in real life. It's nice to get to read about other people's thoughts and beliefs. I share what I believe and why I believe it without trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I just want to do away with mistaken stereotypes.
Just a blah type of day. Maybe I will take a nap.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Long time no see old friend

I have to admit that my last post was a very long time ago. I had actually forgotten about this site until someone bitched at me today about not liking something I said here. A little late in the day for that in the first place. I don't really care if they like it or not in the second place. Just a little fuel for the fire at this point. Like what I say or not, no one is going to control what I say or do - especially not by long distance! Oh well, now that I am here I might as well start blogging again. It's been a strange couple of years to say the least. I have been through the ups and downs of life but try to take it all as it comes. I enjoy the good times and make it through the not so good times the best I can. My best isn't always working too good for me. I had a rough spell where I thought seriously about ending it all. I never want to get that depressed again under any circumstances. I will run not walk to the nearest doctor and do something about it even though I hate taking medicine. One thing is for sure, I won't go the way I went last time I was so down. That ended up working OK for about 11 months then the last month was right back to where it all ended before. I was hurt and angry beyond words. I, again, went through all the same things I went through all the other times before. Now it's at the part where it really hurts again. This is where the pain really sets in and the reality of the situation hits home. I don't want or expect anyone to cry for me. Please pray for me, though. While I am not feeling very strong right now I know that this will pass in time. My heart will heal. I will move on older but wiser. At any rate, I will be here more often now that life is settling into a peaceful routine. I have my moments when I am happy in spite of everything and it's those moments I am going to stay focused on and keep looking forward to until the sun breaks through to my heart again. For now I will just watch and wait for the rainbow.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Another strange dream!

I woke up the other morning with the memory of a very strange dream. I guess nothing much happens in my real life worth posting so I concentrate on writing about the dreams I have.

Each day is either peaceful or boring depending on how you look at it. I either have solitude or I am alone depending on how I think about it. I prefer to focus on the positive in my waking life. These odd ball dreams have a way of creeping into my sleep. They leave me with some negative thoughts and emotions until I am able to shake off their affects.

I had a dream that my estranged husband and I were walking and talking happily. We had some pet squirrels that were walking with us. It was a warm and peaceful day. The sky was a deep blue the temperature was warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. The day wouldn't have been better!

All of a sudden we were confronted by a really over sized dog that we both knew was always in the same spot ahead of us. I started to back up a little and my husband slowed down his walking but he didn't stop completely and he didn't stop the pets.

I tried to warn him that the pets were in danger but he wouldn't listen. For some reason I couldn't stop the pets from walking up to the dog. The dog lowered his head and started to sniff the squirrel on the ground. My husband said, "see, the dog isn't going to do anything to the squirrel." The words no sooner were spoken when the dog grabbed the squirrel up in his mouth.

We started to fight the dog to get it to let go of the squirrel but the dog would not let go. The squirrel was entirely in the dog's mouth but still alive. The more we tried to get the dog to let go the louder it growled. We weren't afraid and we did not panic but we did all we could to make the dog leg the squirrel go.

After a couple of minutes, the dog lifted it's head and swallowed the squirrel. We both knew at that point that it was over.

I woke up at that point so I don't know how this dream was going to turn out. Even now I feel deep sadness just thinking about that dream. I don't know what it all means for sure but I have an idea what it is all trying to tell me.

Even though we have had problems before and separated this time it's very different. We have each filed for divorce but we never finished making the separation final. We just weren't ready to let go. This time I honestly believe that there is no way to get this marriage back together again. This time I honestly believe that I am ready for it to end.

His actions and the way he treats me send the message that he doesn't care how he treats me because he thinks that I am always going to run back to him the minute he calls my name. He doesn't know that I have finally reached the limit of what I am going to accept. He doesn't know that I have convinced my heart that it's just not going to work out no matter what I do. No matter how much I do it's never enough. No matter what I do it's never right.

It's time to close the door and move on.