Really letting go

I am working on breaking all ties to someone I thought I would love forever. No one said it would be easy. I know that it has to be done and the sooner I break all connections the better it's going to be for both of us.

I spent too much time and life holding on to the past. I know that I held on to the bad. I was angry about the past but that was only half the story. He just didn't know how strongly I held on to the good also. I lived in the past good and tried so hard to stay in that feeling. I wanted the good memories to be the future but the bad past kept repeating itself.

The more I tried to hang on to the good and prevent the bad from happening again the worse it got. The more I tried to make the good grow the more it turned into smoke and ash. We had a few good days and I had a spark of hope. What I thought of as a fresh start was just an illusion. Just so much wishful thinking on my part. We would meet one day a week and do something fun. That didn't last very long at all.

I just want to find lasting happiness in my life. I just want to have peace. I don't want to life in the past any longer. I don't want to feel the fear of the negative cycles repeating themselves over and over again. I wish I knew how to move on without feeling the deep sadness I am living with now. I don't want to feel the pain of watching the last of the good dream crumble. I have talked before about letting go of the dream even when I know it was a dream that would never be.

Tomorrow is another day.