Letting go of the past.

I am working on unpacking the bags. I have a lot of memories that have been built up over a life time. Some of these memories are good and others are not so good. I have to take them out one at a time then decide what to do with them all.

As each memory comes to mind the first thing I have to do is feel the emotions connected to it. I have to own the feelings. I then have to decide if the memory and feelings are things I want to keep or is it best to just let it go completely. I don't want to hold on to anything negative.

It comes as no surprise that even some of the negative memories have some positive attached to them and some of the good memories have a bit of pain attached to them as well. I am wondering if there is a way to clean up all this mess. I don't want to keep going in the same direction that I have been going in for so very long. It is well past time for a serious change.

On a good note, the memories don't hurt like they use to. The emotion that I am feeling the most is sadness. I still don't understand the WHY of some of it. Why did these things happen? I do know that there is no reason for me to feel any guilt over the choices other people made. I may have been a convenient excuse but I was not the reason. They did what they did because that is what they chose to do.

I am only responsible for my decisions and actions. I have enough in that stack to feel bad about. I have tried to make amends to some of the people I hurt. I am trying to stop wallowing in my mistakes and forgive myself. This is much easier said then done. I expect so much from myself but can never live up to that level of perfection. I do know that I am going to have to let go of those negative feelings and learn from my mistakes.

I have been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I have made. I have been asking for true and complete healing for those I have harmed. I don't want any one to suffer because of me. I don't want anyone to carry scars by either my action or lack there of. I have faith that God is able and willing to heal those wounds.

More importantly then that is praying that God will forgive those who have hurt me. I don't want to live in the shadow of what has been done any longer. I am also asking God to help me forgive them completely. I also pray that they know that they have been forgiven by me and more importantly by God. I want them to have a chance to start again with a clean slate.

I don't mind doing this work alone. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until I am right with myself. This is going to take some time and effort but I know that I am worth the effort. When this work is further along then I won't be so quick to hold the past against anyone and that includes me.

Keeping in mind that to forgive doesn't mean I have to put them in a position to repeat the sins of the past. I can forgive and let go at the same time. I will free myself and others so we can go our separate ways. No strings, no pain and nothing to bind either one of us to the past.