Going around the same old mountain AGAIN

I have to admit I was not feeling good about the complete break in communication with my estranged husband. I was occasionally checking his blog and saw no evidence that he had been online at all. I was very concerned about his health and welfare. I wrote him an email asking how he was doing.

As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.

We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.

Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.

I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.

I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.

He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.

I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.

He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.

A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.

So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:

Great. Have a nice day.