Letting go of the past is never easy. No matter what the conditions are you find comfort in the familiar. You know what to expect on a daily basis. You learn how to work with what is going on around you and how you interact with the people in your life. You think that they are going to continue to do what they always do.
For some people that "rut" is a peaceful one. Some have the life they always dreamed of and can go through the day to day feeling safe and secure. Others are not so fortunate. Some make bad choices and decisions that lead them to cycles that go from relative happiness to absolute hell on earth.
When you are faced with the truth that you are on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop you have to make some serious decisions. Are you going to stay on that ride or find a safe place to get off? How many times are you going to go around and around knowing that there will be times of misery?
Right now I am in a section of the ride that has in the past been my personal hell. This is the time when I have suffered the most. This time I think I am handling it better then I have in the past. This time I have a more realistic look at the truth of the situation.
I still have my moments when I feel sad or angry. I have my moments when I cry or feel deeply sad but those times don't last long. There are times when I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There are times when I just want to work on making me a better person knowing I have learned some very important life lessons.
I don't know where my life is heading but I will find out as I go.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My childhood friends
I have been thinking about the neighborhood where I grew up. Thinking about my friends from when I was young and free. Thinking about a time in my life when I didn't have a care in the world. When I was young and innocent. Everything was a game or an adventure.
We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.
We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.
I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.
My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.
My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.
My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.
I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.
I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.
We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.
I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.
Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!
We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.
We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.
I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.
My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.
My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.
My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.
I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.
I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.
We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.
I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.
Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So I went to the casino today
I had a fun day for sure. I came out with all my original money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I think I probably should consider quitting smoking and I almost did. I decided why do something for someone who would only thinks of himself. Why bother trying to please someone who is never going to be satisfied no matter what I do.
Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.
My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.
We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.
We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.
Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.
Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.
Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.
My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.
We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.
We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.
Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.
Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Today is another day
Time seems to be moving much slower then it should today. Part of me just wants this day to be over so I can curl up in bed and go to sleep. I am not feeling too upbeat or positive today. It's a beautiful day out but I have no place to go and all day to get there.
I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.
I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.
I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?
I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.
One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.
That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.
I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.
I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.
I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?
I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.
One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.
That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Going around the same old mountain AGAIN
I have to admit I was not feeling good about the complete break in communication with my estranged husband. I was occasionally checking his blog and saw no evidence that he had been online at all. I was very concerned about his health and welfare. I wrote him an email asking how he was doing.
As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.
We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.
Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.
I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.
I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.
He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.
I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.
He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.
A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.
So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:
Great. Have a nice day.
As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.
We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.
Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.
I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.
I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.
He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.
I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.
He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.
A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.
So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:
Great. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Someone sent a message to me
I have been separated from my husband for over a year now. There were times when I actually had hope that we were finally going to work the differences through and have that dream marriage that I thought we both wanted. Even though he filed for divorce during one of the not so hopeful times he said that we didn't have to follow through if we could work it out.
We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.
I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.
I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!
Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.
Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.
We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.
I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.
I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!
Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.
Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.
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