Not a good day at all.

I woke up around 3 a.m. coughing and couldn't get back to sleep and that was the start of my day. I have to admit that this day was by far the worst. The reality of the situation is setting in. The sadness is hitting me full force and I am drowning in grief over the loss of everything.

I did manage to get some more housework done. I changed the living room around yesterday. I cleaned my bureau off and set up the candle set he gave me for Valentine's day. I cleaned the refrigerator out today. Nothing big got done but I figure a little at a time will get it all done. Some might say that the place looks nice but I am not done yet.

I can't go back for a number of reasons so that isn't an option. I can't quite let go and move forward so here I sit stuck in the same spot I was in when he left. Just sitting at the computer wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

He actually had the nerve to comment me on facebook. I was annoyed to say the least and sent him an email asking why he had to post it like that but he ignored the question. I had a feeling he would and don't know why I bothered. I should have ignored the entire thing.

I went to the casino for a little while today. I get the buy in and spend that. When it's gone so am I. The thing is, when I got home I realized that I still had my wedding ring on. Talk about a damper! I put my rings away when I got home and will not put them back on.

Life goes on. I am going to find a better way for me. I am going to find a path that will work long term. NO MORE putting a band-aid on the old wounds and having them start to heal only to have deeper wounds made in the same place.

I still say the pain of going around the same mountain finally hurts more then the pain of letting go. The truth of the matter is I know it's only a matter of time before he will try to get back in my good graces. I am not going to let him back in my life no matter what he says or does.