Another day

I had a pretty good day. I went to the local casino and ran into my brother there. He has his ways and I have mine. There are times when we get along and times when we don't but he is my only brother still alive.

My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.

Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.

Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.

I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.

Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.

He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.

This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.

So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.

I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.

If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.

Life is GOOD!