My morning chores are done and I am just relaxing in front of the t.v. drinking a cup of tea. Everything is peaceful and quiet here. I am not cheering but I am not crying either. I am sitting somewhere in the middle and could go either way.
I catch myself holding my breath from time to time. I guess I am under more stress then I first realized. The view from under the bus is very familiar. I mentioned a couple of times that I could hear the bus coming down the street.
As with any addict, he made it out to be all my fault. I kept saying it was just more justification for what he was going to do anyway. Deny deny deny but go on and do it anyway. Pick fights then blame me saying I started it. There is only so much a person can take.
I don't know how to put the past behind me and move on. Even though I am thinking that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come back to me I am not doing anything to plan for my future. I don't know if I am living my life or just killing time. I don't know what to do.
What is the first step in a new direction? What do I do first?
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