My first full day alone - again.

I took my medicine last night around 10 p.m. and went to bed around 11. I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up once around 3 a.m. but was able to go back to sleep. To my surprise I slept until 10 a.m.

When I got up I felt pretty good. No aches, no pains and no sorrow! I can't say that I was overly happy but at least I wasn't buried in sorrow and nothing hurt. I am doing better then I thought I would. Not as good as I would like but I can live with this.

I was able to get some more housework done today. The cleaning that I have been putting off but planning on doing but never got around to was waiting for me. I am pleased with how the house looks but not finished getting things done. I don't want to over do it.

I did my shopping yesterday and paid some more bills today. Only a couple more things to do. One is renew my driver's license. I want to look nice when I go to do that. No matter how hard you try your pic always looks awful! Maybe this time it won't be quite so bad.

It may be my imagination but it seems that I can taste things better today. I haven't smoked as much the past two days as I normally do and it could be that is what is making the difference. I just don't know for sure. I dropped down from up to three packs a day to maybe 1 to 1 1/2 packs. I don't plan on quitting and doubt that it's going to happen. At least I am not smoking as much and that is a plus.

I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I have known for a long time that I have separation issues. I have known for a long time that I need to do more work on these issues. It looks like I now have the time I need to get this done. This is going to be a long road back to sanity but I can do this.

For the past 10 years I have not wanted to let go of the person I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life. Through 10 years of everything that has happened I hung on to my faith in love. Now it's time to face the facts that I have to let go and save myself! I can't save him from himself no matter what I do. I can't love him until he loves himself. I can't love him until he loves me back.

The pain of being with him finally outweighs the pain of moving on with my life without him. I have to accept the fact that what he does and what he suffers as a result of those actions are on him and him alone.

I haven't cried yet but I know that it won't be long before I let the tears flow like rain. I am going to cry out all the pain inside me. When I am done crying I am going to dry my eyes, wash my face and start to rebuild my life.