Life with Fibromyalgia

I am still trying to learn how to live with Fibromyalgia. I have my good days and my bad days for sure. I guess everyone does for one reason or another. We all have our challenges that we have to deal with.

Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.

I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.

What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.

I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.

I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.

I am open to any suggestions not listed above.

Another day

I had a pretty good day. I went to the local casino and ran into my brother there. He has his ways and I have mine. There are times when we get along and times when we don't but he is my only brother still alive.

My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.

Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.

Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.

I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.

Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.

He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.

This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.

So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.

I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.

If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.

Life is GOOD!

Not a good day at all.

I woke up around 3 a.m. coughing and couldn't get back to sleep and that was the start of my day. I have to admit that this day was by far the worst. The reality of the situation is setting in. The sadness is hitting me full force and I am drowning in grief over the loss of everything.

I did manage to get some more housework done. I changed the living room around yesterday. I cleaned my bureau off and set up the candle set he gave me for Valentine's day. I cleaned the refrigerator out today. Nothing big got done but I figure a little at a time will get it all done. Some might say that the place looks nice but I am not done yet.

I can't go back for a number of reasons so that isn't an option. I can't quite let go and move forward so here I sit stuck in the same spot I was in when he left. Just sitting at the computer wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

He actually had the nerve to comment me on facebook. I was annoyed to say the least and sent him an email asking why he had to post it like that but he ignored the question. I had a feeling he would and don't know why I bothered. I should have ignored the entire thing.

I went to the casino for a little while today. I get the buy in and spend that. When it's gone so am I. The thing is, when I got home I realized that I still had my wedding ring on. Talk about a damper! I put my rings away when I got home and will not put them back on.

Life goes on. I am going to find a better way for me. I am going to find a path that will work long term. NO MORE putting a band-aid on the old wounds and having them start to heal only to have deeper wounds made in the same place.

I still say the pain of going around the same mountain finally hurts more then the pain of letting go. The truth of the matter is I know it's only a matter of time before he will try to get back in my good graces. I am not going to let him back in my life no matter what he says or does.

Good Afternoon World

My morning chores are done and I am just relaxing in front of the t.v. drinking a cup of tea. Everything is peaceful and quiet here. I am not cheering but I am not crying either. I am sitting somewhere in the middle and could go either way.

I catch myself holding my breath from time to time. I guess I am under more stress then I first realized. The view from under the bus is very familiar. I mentioned a couple of times that I could hear the bus coming down the street.

As with any addict, he made it out to be all my fault. I kept saying it was just more justification for what he was going to do anyway. Deny deny deny but go on and do it anyway. Pick fights then blame me saying I started it. There is only so much a person can take.

I don't know how to put the past behind me and move on. Even though I am thinking that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come back to me I am not doing anything to plan for my future. I don't know if I am living my life or just killing time. I don't know what to do.

What is the first step in a new direction? What do I do first?

My first full day alone - again.

I took my medicine last night around 10 p.m. and went to bed around 11. I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up once around 3 a.m. but was able to go back to sleep. To my surprise I slept until 10 a.m.

When I got up I felt pretty good. No aches, no pains and no sorrow! I can't say that I was overly happy but at least I wasn't buried in sorrow and nothing hurt. I am doing better then I thought I would. Not as good as I would like but I can live with this.

I was able to get some more housework done today. The cleaning that I have been putting off but planning on doing but never got around to was waiting for me. I am pleased with how the house looks but not finished getting things done. I don't want to over do it.

I did my shopping yesterday and paid some more bills today. Only a couple more things to do. One is renew my driver's license. I want to look nice when I go to do that. No matter how hard you try your pic always looks awful! Maybe this time it won't be quite so bad.

It may be my imagination but it seems that I can taste things better today. I haven't smoked as much the past two days as I normally do and it could be that is what is making the difference. I just don't know for sure. I dropped down from up to three packs a day to maybe 1 to 1 1/2 packs. I don't plan on quitting and doubt that it's going to happen. At least I am not smoking as much and that is a plus.

I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I have known for a long time that I have separation issues. I have known for a long time that I need to do more work on these issues. It looks like I now have the time I need to get this done. This is going to be a long road back to sanity but I can do this.

For the past 10 years I have not wanted to let go of the person I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life. Through 10 years of everything that has happened I hung on to my faith in love. Now it's time to face the facts that I have to let go and save myself! I can't save him from himself no matter what I do. I can't love him until he loves himself. I can't love him until he loves me back.

The pain of being with him finally outweighs the pain of moving on with my life without him. I have to accept the fact that what he does and what he suffers as a result of those actions are on him and him alone.

I haven't cried yet but I know that it won't be long before I let the tears flow like rain. I am going to cry out all the pain inside me. When I am done crying I am going to dry my eyes, wash my face and start to rebuild my life.

Get me off this merry go round of denial

I just read my last post. I can't believe that I am in the same spot now AGAIN as I was then. Am I ever going to learn my lesson? Am I destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over? Am I going to keep riding around on the same merry go 'round forever?

We got back together and I kept thinking that this time we finally had it right. This time we were going to make it stick. We were both supportive and loving to each other. We were both making better decisions. In short, I was almost lulled into a false sense of security.

Slowly but surely the old patter started to repeat itself. I tried to ignore the signs but they started to show up again and again. The spats began again. He started doing and saying the things that use to anger me before and I stayed calm and ignored it. The more I tried to overlook or just not react to the worse it got. Soon, I could no longer hide in denial.

It wasn't long before I started to prepare myself for the other shoe to drop. I knew for sure it was only a matter of time. I just didn't think it was going to come so soon.

When he said that he was "stuck" with me because he had spent all his money on me and couldn't return to his apartment it really hurt. After hearing that 5 times in 3 months I just couldn't take it any more. The first of the month I told him how I felt about that and if he really wanted to leave then the time was right to make good his escape. I told him my house wasn't a prison and the lock didn't keep anyone in.

The next day we had a huge fight. Before we went to bed I tried to calm things down. I did say a very sincere apology and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up at 7 a.m. and the fight started all over again. He wouldn't let it go no matter what I said or did. I said he didn't have to fight his way out and he was free to go. He packed his things and moved out. When he was done he brought the car back to me and asked if he could use my car to go shopping. I was hurt and angry and said no.

The thing that bothers me most is we were fighting and I had my back to him when I felt something hit the back of my legs hard. My knees started to buckle and I almost fell to the floor. I looked back to see what had hit my legs and I saw the cat behind me. I asked him if he did that on purpose and he said no but I still think he did.

Of all the things that he has done that I forgave him for this is one thing that will NEVER be forgiven under any circumstances. There is no excuse for abusing the kittens. They didn't do anything wrong. The fight was between him and I. They don't have any say or any choice over what the people in the house do.

How sad.