My need to be needed

I found this wonderful site that hit home with me. I am going to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the truth to this site that discusses some very important Life Strategies. I found this quite by accident. I believe that working with a site on codependency that I have been working with for a few years.

I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.

Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.

When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.

I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.

This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.

Letting go of the past.

I am working on unpacking the bags. I have a lot of memories that have been built up over a life time. Some of these memories are good and others are not so good. I have to take them out one at a time then decide what to do with them all.

As each memory comes to mind the first thing I have to do is feel the emotions connected to it. I have to own the feelings. I then have to decide if the memory and feelings are things I want to keep or is it best to just let it go completely. I don't want to hold on to anything negative.

It comes as no surprise that even some of the negative memories have some positive attached to them and some of the good memories have a bit of pain attached to them as well. I am wondering if there is a way to clean up all this mess. I don't want to keep going in the same direction that I have been going in for so very long. It is well past time for a serious change.

On a good note, the memories don't hurt like they use to. The emotion that I am feeling the most is sadness. I still don't understand the WHY of some of it. Why did these things happen? I do know that there is no reason for me to feel any guilt over the choices other people made. I may have been a convenient excuse but I was not the reason. They did what they did because that is what they chose to do.

I am only responsible for my decisions and actions. I have enough in that stack to feel bad about. I have tried to make amends to some of the people I hurt. I am trying to stop wallowing in my mistakes and forgive myself. This is much easier said then done. I expect so much from myself but can never live up to that level of perfection. I do know that I am going to have to let go of those negative feelings and learn from my mistakes.

I have been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I have made. I have been asking for true and complete healing for those I have harmed. I don't want any one to suffer because of me. I don't want anyone to carry scars by either my action or lack there of. I have faith that God is able and willing to heal those wounds.

More importantly then that is praying that God will forgive those who have hurt me. I don't want to live in the shadow of what has been done any longer. I am also asking God to help me forgive them completely. I also pray that they know that they have been forgiven by me and more importantly by God. I want them to have a chance to start again with a clean slate.

I don't mind doing this work alone. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until I am right with myself. This is going to take some time and effort but I know that I am worth the effort. When this work is further along then I won't be so quick to hold the past against anyone and that includes me.

Keeping in mind that to forgive doesn't mean I have to put them in a position to repeat the sins of the past. I can forgive and let go at the same time. I will free myself and others so we can go our separate ways. No strings, no pain and nothing to bind either one of us to the past.

Really letting go

I am working on breaking all ties to someone I thought I would love forever. No one said it would be easy. I know that it has to be done and the sooner I break all connections the better it's going to be for both of us.

I spent too much time and life holding on to the past. I know that I held on to the bad. I was angry about the past but that was only half the story. He just didn't know how strongly I held on to the good also. I lived in the past good and tried so hard to stay in that feeling. I wanted the good memories to be the future but the bad past kept repeating itself.

The more I tried to hang on to the good and prevent the bad from happening again the worse it got. The more I tried to make the good grow the more it turned into smoke and ash. We had a few good days and I had a spark of hope. What I thought of as a fresh start was just an illusion. Just so much wishful thinking on my part. We would meet one day a week and do something fun. That didn't last very long at all.

I just want to find lasting happiness in my life. I just want to have peace. I don't want to life in the past any longer. I don't want to feel the fear of the negative cycles repeating themselves over and over again. I wish I knew how to move on without feeling the deep sadness I am living with now. I don't want to feel the pain of watching the last of the good dream crumble. I have talked before about letting go of the dream even when I know it was a dream that would never be.

Tomorrow is another day.

Fibromyalgia Crash

How fun it is to crash - NOT! I am so sore and tired I don't want to do anything yet I am not sleepy and doubt that I could sleep with the pain even if I wanted to. This is no way to live.

There have been a few people in my life that don't understand what I am going through. They act like they think I am imagining things. The act like I am just lazy and don't want to do anything. I have been accused of pretending to be having problems so I could get on disability. I wish that were true in a way. Believe me, I would rather work then feel like I do.

Someone implied that they thought that now I am getting disability that my symptoms would all of a sudden clear up. I am not sure if they thought it was a stress reaction or I was faking it. I didn't ask and don't really care. This is the same person who told me a few times that I would be OK if I would just get off my fat lazy ass. The same person who tried to get me to go for brisk walks no matter how many times I told them that doing that made matters worse.

I woke up this morning feeling like I have had better days and I have had worse days. After relaxing over a couple of cups of tea and goofing off on the computer. I had the patio door open for fresh air and the blinds open for sunlight. I decided to get some house work done. Probably not a good idea thinking back on it.

I have a small apartment and live alone so there really isn't much that needs to be done even on a bad house day. I washed a few dishes, picked up a few things and vacuumed the carpet. That was it. No big tasks or heavy work. It wasn't long before I knew it was nap time. I don't normally nap during the day but there was no way I was going to stay awake.

I went in and curled up in bed with my electric blanket turned on. It wasn't very long before I fell asleep. I honestly don't know what time I went to bed but it was after 6 p.m. when I woke up. The sad part is I was just as tired when I got up as when I went to bed. This is very normal for me. Sometimes I wake up more tired then what I was when I went to sleep - figure that one out!

It never even crossed my mind that I had missed my physical therapy appointment today. I knew it was Thursday and that is the day for my appointment but never connected the two thoughts. I guess it doesn't matter considering I was asleep anyway. I feel bad that I missed going but glad that I didn't go at the same time.

I think I am going to start a journal and see if I can draw some kind of parallel between what I eat, what I do and how I feel. If I start to see a pattern I will post it here.

Physical Therapy for Fibromyalgia

I recently started going to physical therapy for my Fibromyalgia. This started out as a good idea. I thought that it would be a great way to work on my range of motion and improve my flexibility. I The last thing I expected was to have it spark a flare that had me in serious pain for three days even with medication.

I went for a session on Thursday and the pain started to set in about an hour after I left. The pain stayed with me until early Monday. It let up just in time for my next appointment. I told them what had happened to me after I left there. Needless to day my next session was modified.

Here it is almost time to go back for more therapy. I tried to do the exercises they want me to do daily but it's getting harder to motivate myself to do this knowing it's going to cause me more pain then my medication can handle. As I type this point I don't want to have my arms away from my body. It makes doing every day tasks much more difficult. As if I didn't have enough problems with every day life already.

There are times when I wonder how long I can continue to take care of myself. I wonder when the pain and fatigue will reach the point when I won't be able to do the things I need to do. There are times when I go without eating for a day or two because I don't have the energy to make something to eat. Normal things like shopping or laundry seem like overwhelming chores as it is.

The pain is bad enough but when you add deep fatigue with it then you have a bad combination. I have days when I don't have enough energy to do even the most simple of tasks. The confusing part is even though I don't have any energy I have a hard time getting to sleep. It's not the kind of fatigue leads to sleep.

I have tried to look back at when it all began. I think that it started a long time ago and gradually got worse over the years. When I started going to the doctor I was told it was a problem with my thyroid and they gave me pills for that. For the first two weeks I felt great but that was all the relief I ever got from thyroid medication. I kept going back to the doctor and telling them that I was still having the same problems but they didn't listen. I continued to work but it was taking more and more out of me and taking longer and longer to recover on my days off.

We moved to Washington State and I started a job almost right away. I worked in the house keeping department of the local casino. I worked hard scrubbing bathrooms and stainless steel kitchens on the grave yard shift. After a few months I noticed my hands cramping and pain everywhere that took longer and longer to ease up after a shift. I started calling in more often until I lost that job.

That made me head back to the doctor again and again. They kept doing blood work and adjusting my thyroid medicine. I was starting to wonder if I was not being realistic with my level of pain, fatigue and inability to sleep. In short, they had me questioning myself. It didn't help when someone close to me would yell at me to get off my fat, lazy ass.

After a couple of years of trying to explain my symptoms and get someone to listen I was finally diagnosed as having Fibromyalgia. It helped me to know that there was a name for what was happening to me. It helped to know that I wasn't alone with this disease. At least I know that I am not crazy or imagining things.

The problem with loving a Narcissist

Some very disturbing narcissistic traits are discussed here. If the person you love fits this description you would do yourself a huge favor to get out of that situation. Nothing good is ever going to come from that relationship.

This is a very important quote. "with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.

They have a my way or the highway attitude about everything. They will use any fears you have against you. They are especially cruel when they know you have abandonment issues. They will exploit that weakness to the fullest. The more you give in to this treatment the more contempt they have for you. This is a total no win situation.

This is a quote that really says a lot. "Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation."

No matter how much you give them it's never enough. No matter how much you do for them it's never right. They feel that they have a right to what ever is yours. They think that you owe them. The more you give the more they expect. They will suck the life right out of you without a second thought.

Another great quote. "A clue: Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you."

How true this is. It's so easy to fall for this. When you love them and start thinking that just maybe this time they really mean it. They can be so charming that you melt and your resolve to break out of this relationship weakens. You start to believe that there really is a chance for a happy future only to have the rug pulled out from under you in the rudest way possible. The funny part is they make you believe that it's all your fault. Maybe it is because you fell for the same old BS time and time again.

The most important thing to remember is Never love anything that can't love you back.