When you have done all you can do

How do you know when you have done all you can do to keep your relationship alive and and there is nothing more you can do? How do you know in your heart that it's time to move on? How do you know when you have given all you have to a relationship that isn't working then it's time to stop giving?

The daunting question is where that line should be if it should exist at all. Do we have a running meter beside everyone's name? Do we use the same measure with everyone or is this set at some arbitrary level for each person we meet? How much behavior we consider unacceptable can we be expected to forgive? Can that "acceptable" level be adjusted as our relationship with each person changes?

How much should you compromise in the name of harmony? How many things that you enjoy should you give up that make you who you are? Should you compromise your moral values? Should there be a line and where do you draw it?

The most important question is when to remove yourself from a situation that isn't right. How do you know when there is no way that relationship is going to turn around and start moving on a positive path? When do you know that it's time to just let go? How do you avoid wondering if there was something you could have done or said to make a difference?

I have changed my thoughts and opinions on these and many more questions throughout my life. I know that I have changed my answers to these questions many times as I change and grow. There are some answers that are chiseled in stone but not all are that cut and dry.

Is that you God?

I sometimes struggle with life and making some decisions. When I don't know what to do I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for God to reveal his path for me. I hear the voice in my head and I hear the voices in my heart all saying different things. I am never sure which one to follow.

At this point I don't know if the voice in my heart is the voice God or if' it's just my own desires. I want to do what God wants me to do. I know that he hears and answers prayers. He answers them in ways we never expect. I want to be open and receptive to what ever means of communication God chooses to use.

I have heard preachers say that there are provisos and a lot of quid pro quo. Even though I don't believe this I find it hard to get it out of my mind. I keep checking myself and wondering if I have too much in my past that keeps blocking my prayers. I wonder if I have done the things that God requires in order to get His attention.

I struggle with issues of feeling unworthy. I ask myself who am I that God would give me a moment of His time. The bible says in Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." I have a hard time believing that those words apply to me.

I do read the bible. I can't quote scripture exactly. I don't memorize chapter and verse. I do try to remember the meaning and feelings described in the stories I read. There is a lesson to be learned with an example. I do have a hard time finding specific things in the bible. It's not easy to find something in the bible that talks directly to the question I have at the time.

I want to do the right things for the right reasons. I don't want to go around doing whatever I want and justifying it all by thinking that I am following God. For me that would be the same as someone saying that the devil tempted me. The same justification for doing what it is they wanted to do in the first place. The only difference is the focus of the "blame". Both being some force outside that we have no control over.

I want to follow the voice of God. I want to be what it is He wants me to be. I want to do the things He wants me to do. His plans for me are so much better then anything I could dream or imagine.

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith or did He know who He was? I have looked all around with no answer to this question. I asked the minister's wife after prayer tonight just to hear what she believes. I have my own thoughts on this and would like to share them. I have never heard anyone explain it this way. My understanding is a little off the beaten path and I don't expect to change anyone's mind. If I have given you food for thought then I have done well.

It is my belief that Jesus himself was saved by grace through faith. I have heard in sermons that Jesus lived a sinless life and because of that He sits at the right hand of God. I disagree with that assertion. If that was the case then Jesus was saved by works.

When Jesus was on the earth He was fully man. The bible clearly states "For by GRACE you have been saved through FAITH; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God; not as a result of WORKS, so that no one may boast." Jesus is the first fruits of the resurrected. All fruit is harvested in the same manner. We are saved by grace through faith not by works. Jesus must have been saved in the same way.

The bible also states that "without faith it is impossible to please God. To me this means that Jesus had to accept God and His promises by FAITH not by foreknowledge because He remembered or knew who He Himself was. The bible clearly tell us that when Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist that a dove came down and rested on Jesus. Suddenly there was a voice from Heaven saying "You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased."

If Jesus knew who He was and knew that He would be resurrected after three days and nights then He would not have sweat blood when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane? It is my belief that He took it that He would be raised from the dead on faith alone. If He remembered that He was God and immortal then there was no sacrifice. By definition you can NOT kill an immortal.

What do you think? If I am wrong in any of this please let me know. I want to know the truth. I want to understand.

Life with Fibromyalgia

The first symptoms I noticed were soon after I got in the truck with my husband. That was back in 2001 or 2002 when I started having problems with fatigue. I had pain in my shoulder and hands for many years before that. Even though the pain was getting worse I didn't worry about it very much.

At first I thought the fatigue was caused by the long hours and odd sleep schedule. The fatigue would get so deep that just reaching for something on the dash board was almost more then what I could do. When I passed on taking a shower my husband knew that this was a serious situation because he knew how much I looked forward to shower time.

We stopped driving because of my husband's health problems. I ended up working at a Waffle House then at a McD's for almost a year before we moved to the state we live in now. The funny thing is I could walk down the stairs, walk to work, stay on my feet all day, walk home but when I got to the bottom of the stairs I would pause. Walking up one flight of stairs was like climbing a huge mountain.

When we moved here I got a job at the local casino in the housekeeping department. I worked hard but really did enjoy the job. I noticed that at the end of the week I would be so sore and tired that it would take all my time off to recover. It wasn't long before I couldn't make it to the end of the week. I started calling in sick until I couldn't go in any more.

I finally had to admit that I just couldn't work any more. It was with a heavy heart that I finally had to accept the truth of my situation and file for disability. After a five year fight I was given a fully favorable decision at my hearing last November.

My daughter and her daughter are visiting from across the country and my son and his fiancee will be here for a visit soon. The sun is shining. I am very happy indeed yet I feel totally awful today. In fact, I haven't felt good for a couple of days.

I got to watch a hockey game and my team won. I watched a couple of movies that I like. My two daughters and one granddaughter came over the other day and we laughed until we almost cried. These are all good things for sure!

I ache all over and have absolutely no energy. I have pretty much sat in my chair for a couple of days. I only do the things I have to get done. Even that is a huge chore. I am tired but not the sleepy tired. I have no energy and I have no strength. I want to go outside but don't have life enough to get dressed. I am almost out of cat food but can't seem to get to the store.

I know that I have depression but you would think that would be balanced out with the positive that I am feeling. I have been edgy and irritable as well. I have a hard time falling asleep but when I do I sleep without dreams mostly. I have a hard time waking up.

My husband and I are having problems and this is not good. We were standing on the edge of filing for divorce but we started emailing last night. We started to talk about counseling before we do anything. This is a good sign and a step in the right direction. I even have a more positive outlook in that area now.

My thoughts are happy ones. While I am sitting here I am playing online and not thinking about the negative at all. It's not like I sit here thinking of things, events or people that make me angry because I know this will only suck the life out of me. I think about what I am doing that is fun. I think about the people I love.

I pray as I sit here also. I pray for guidance. I pray for my family and friends.

Divorce - the finality of it all.

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between married persons. In most countries divorce requires the sanction of a judge or other authority in a legal process.

It sounds so easy when you read the above definition. The word "termination" sounds so cold and so sterile. I guess it would be easy if not for the emotions involved.

I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of loss right now. I know it will take a lot of grief work to be able to look forward again. Even though the relationship was not the best it was who I was. It was where I got my identity. I was his wife. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he is hurting and feels the sadness that fills all of me.

We will sign the papers on Monday and call it quits after 9 years. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who I am any more. My heart is going into panic mode and wants to stop the madness that is divorce.

I wish I could stay angry at him. It would make this process all the easier. We were together for a short while the other day and I felt the same love for him that I always have had. We had some errands that had to be done and tried to sit down to fill out THE PAPERS. That didn't last long. Before I knew it we were in another argument. We are going to try again to go over the papers on Monday.

I wonder if he feels the same about me when we are together. I wonder if the fights are meant to break the feelings of being together. I wonder if in the calm times he feels the love we shared. I wonder if he wants that back. I wonder if he still believes in the dream of what could be.

So this is what depression feel like.

So this is what depression feels like. I have had times in my life before that have seemed dark and lonely but this is the worst time I can remember. I am going to be a while getting through this storm in life. My games are no longer fun. I don't want to watch my favorite movies or listen to any music. In fact, I want the house to be totally silent as a testimony to the empty.

I have zero interest in the things that were always fun and enjoyable for me. I want to be happy and think about the good things going on around me but this is almost impossible to do. All I can feel is the emptiness within. The feeling that something valuable has been completely taken away from me and I can't get it back.

It's hard to let go of a dream even when you know that dream will never come true. Without knowing it, I entered this relationship with a dream of what could be. It was painful watching that dream crumble into dust. At first the break down started out slowly. The harder I tried to cling to the last standing pieces the quicker it all fell apart until there was nothing left to hold onto. When the dust settled there was nothing left of the dream.

I tried every thing I knew to make that dream become a reality but it was never meant to be. I fell in love with what I thought was someone's potential and not who they really were. I fell in love with the person I thought he was without taking the time to get to know the real him.

I was able to accept his past without question. That was not the problem. It is the things he continues to do that eats away at my soul. I tried so hard to forgive but I couldn't forget. When I finally recognized the pattern it became hard to ignore.

We would have a wonderful relationship that would start to slowly break down. He would start bitching and nagging about silly things. He would do more and more things that he knew would aggravate me on purpose. He would start acting like he was hiding something and acting very suspiciously. All of these things would build to the flash point.

I would start to snoop and most of the time I found things I really didn't want to know about. I would confront him and all hell would break lose. The times that I didn't actually find out myself he would "confess" to what he had done.

He justified most of his affairs saying it was OK because we were separated at the time. The truth is we were what I thought happy when most of these things would start. I believe that most of the fights were so he could justify what he was doing. To blame me for the things he chose to do. Then he would tell me I don't take responsibility for what I do.

He knows that I can try to forgive but I can't forget as long as he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He says I keep bringing up the past and I say that he is the one who keeps bringing up the past by doing the same thing over and over again. He refuses to disassociate himself from the people he was with when he did the things he knows a married man has no business doing.

He will be filing for divorce soon. Even though I know that nothing will ever change and I can't go on any more it's still hard to let go.