When I lived in Indiana I started watching TBN. I would watch the shows about healing through faith. I would cheer when people would give their testimony of the miracle healing they received.
I prayed to God that He would use me in this way. That I could share my faith with other people to help them receive the promises of God in their lives. I wanted to be able to help those who had need to release their faith and get their breakthrough.
About nine years ago I started having dreams and visions of a healing ministry. I told my husband of this dream and casually mentioned it to the pastors of a couple of churches we were considering becoming members of. These pastors were not receptive so I stopped talking about it. The dreams and visions would not go away.
In my dreams and visions, I could clearly see people receive their healing. I could hear the shouts of surprise and joy when they realized they had been healed. I could hear people praise God and worship Him with all their hearts.
I don't know when the attacks on my belief and faith in the miracle healing of God started. At first the attack was in the form of guilt about my past. I was reminded of every mistake I have ever made. I was "told" that I am not worthy that God would even hear me let alone use me in any way. I was able to shrug this off. We have all read the stories in the bible of the people who were changed and able to do God's work. We read that God only wants us to be willing and He will do the rest. We read that redemption and forgiveness of sins are our gifts from God. These gifts were made possible by the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross.
The next thing to come under attack was my husband's health. He has two issues of blood that he talks about in his blogs. On two occasions he was so sick he almost died. He was then and still is being followed by the doctor with regular blood tests for his CD4 count and his viral load. We were blessed in the fact that he was non-progressive and at times his viral load and CD4 counts were even improving.
The attack came to say how foolish I was to consider having a healing ministry when I couldn't even help my husband. The attack also went on to say if God would or even could heal then why didn't he heal my husband? The attack was becoming very personal and harder to ignore but I hung on to my faith in the healing power of God. I have read the book of Job a few times to get the message into my heart. I told my husband many times that my faith is unshakable and that I believed that God could and would heal him.
Our marriage became the next target of the adversary. We have had more then our share of strife. We have both said the words "I give up" on more then one occasion. We have separated more times then I can count and even filed for divorce.
God speaks to our hearts and brings us back to remembering and seeing the good in each other. The love we have for each other always brings us back together. I know that I know that this is the healing power of God working in our lives. Instead of breaking my faith this has served to strengthen my belief in the healing power of God. I know that this is the only thing that could possibly change our circumstances and bring us back together.
Over the past several years I have watched my own health deteriorate slowly. This is the latest attack of the enemy. There are so many things I could do with little or no effort a few years ago that I just struggle with today. There are some things I just can't do at all. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia after going to doctors in two states and re-telling them my symptoms.
The best I can hope for most days is to just be uncomfortable. I am in physical pain most of the time. I don't sleep well and because of that I am tired all the time. I get cranky and easily upset over the dumbest things. I was on medication but because of the changes to my medical coverage I could no longer get the prescriptions filled.
I find myself under attack every day. This little voice whispers in my ear saying where is God now? IF God is willing and able why then hasn't he healed me? Why do you believe in something that hasn't happened? Why don't I just give up? I don't deserve to be healed, and so on.
I remind myself of the story of Job again. Job never gave up hope. He never gave up his faith. He put his life in God's hands. Job would not curse God and neither will I. I do not blame God for the things that have happened in my life. I do know that what the adversary meant for evil God can use to produce the biggest blessings in my life.
I think about Paul. What was the key to Paul’s amazing spiritual success? How did he live such a victorious life? He answered those questions in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote these powerful words: “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Living With and Loving someone who is HIV/AIDS and HCV Positive when you are not *Repost
*Special not to A. I had to re-post this. - I deleted this post by accident when I was cleaning out some drafts. I lost your comment and my reply to it. Please contact me again.
Living with someone who is HIV and HCV co infected has special challenges. First is taking the time to learn the truth about both diseases. Second is taking the necessary steps to insure that you don't become infected yourself. After that the only challenges are the ones common to all relationships.
I met Rick online and before we met in person and he told me that he was HIV and HCV co infected. That had to be very hard for him to do. He knew that there was a possibility that I would say thanks but no thanks. I didn't. When we met in person he put his arm around me and I knew that was where I wanted to stay forever.
I have to admit that I didn't know anything about either disease or how easily they were transmitted from one person to the next. I wasn't going to reject the person out of ignorance so I started to learn about both HIV and HCV.
The first thing I found out is the people who know your partner is HIV positive treat you as if you were positive also. It seems as if their thinking is if you are with someone who is positive then you MUST be infected as well. This isn't always true. Rick and I have been married for almost eight years. In the course of those years I have been tested several times for both HIV and HCV. The tests always come back as negative. My most recent test was this past January.
What precautions do we take to keep me safe? About the only major thing is we practice safer sex. I do not touch his tooth brush or shaving equipment at all. These are things that can have trace amounts of blood on them no matter how careful you are to clean them after use. Rick is also vigilent and makes sure he puts his personal care items away after use.
The other thing is to be sure there are no "booby traps" around the house. This makes for common sense even if you are not infected. By booby traps I mean making sure there is nothing around the house that you could scrape or cut yourself on. Knives are always stored properly. Anything that breaks is cleaned up right away. If either one of us does get hurt we make sure that the site is cleaned up right away.
Rick is careful to keep any cuts that he does get covered until they heal. He lets me know right away if he gets hurt and where he got hurt. He is careful in the kitchen and bathroom. He does the necessary to keep me safe from exposure.
But how does it feel to be in love with someone who is HIV positive? How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their weakened immune system could be further compromised to the point of collapse? With all my research I have not found a site that can help me answer these basic but important questions.
When you enter into a relationship you believe it is going to be long term. You can't build a future for the relationship thinking that the other person won't be there to share in it. So I adopted an attitude that we are going to beat this disease some how. If not beat it at least keep it at bay. I want to and have to believe that he is going to always be there with me.
Some may say that I am living in denial of the facts. Let them think what they want. I am not going to live every day in fear of losing the love of my life. I have an attitude of gratitude for every day. (even the bad ones) No one is guaranteed tomorrow but we plan for it anyway and expect to be there when it happens.
How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their immune system could collapse? These are good questions that I live with.
I try to focus on the positive side of health. I do keep a watchful eye out for signs of any wound infection. I watch for any signs of jaundice. I watch for signs of any kind of fever. Other then that, I don't conciously think about the "what if's." I try to be watchful but not obsessive about it. I don't want to overlook something small that could turn into a big problem that could have been avoided had it been treated earlier.
The other thing I have is faith. I believe that what ever happens is in the hands of God. That He is there for me through anything that happens here on earth. He hears our prayers and answsers them. We may not understand all his ways but His way is the right way.
I believe that God brought Rick and I together for a reason. I also believe that he didn't bring us together just to tear us apart. That through the grace of God Rick will stay non-progressive. This simple faith helps me handle any fear that I might have.
I am a two time cancer survivor so I guess I have a diferent way of looking at life in general. I have never once asked "why me" about cancer. I know why but that's another blog. I don't worry about "what if" I become infected. I know I will handle it the same way I did when I found out I had cancer for the second time. I will do the necessary to have the most positive outcome. Eleven years and counting I am still cancer free. Eight years and counting and I am still HIV and HCV free. Thank God!
There are a lot of sites dedicated to living with HIV/AIDS but I didn't find any for the uninfected partner. If there is a good response to this blog then I will start one. I look forward to getting comments on this blog. Please comment me.
Living with someone who is HIV and HCV co infected has special challenges. First is taking the time to learn the truth about both diseases. Second is taking the necessary steps to insure that you don't become infected yourself. After that the only challenges are the ones common to all relationships.
I met Rick online and before we met in person and he told me that he was HIV and HCV co infected. That had to be very hard for him to do. He knew that there was a possibility that I would say thanks but no thanks. I didn't. When we met in person he put his arm around me and I knew that was where I wanted to stay forever.
I have to admit that I didn't know anything about either disease or how easily they were transmitted from one person to the next. I wasn't going to reject the person out of ignorance so I started to learn about both HIV and HCV.
The first thing I found out is the people who know your partner is HIV positive treat you as if you were positive also. It seems as if their thinking is if you are with someone who is positive then you MUST be infected as well. This isn't always true. Rick and I have been married for almost eight years. In the course of those years I have been tested several times for both HIV and HCV. The tests always come back as negative. My most recent test was this past January.
What precautions do we take to keep me safe? About the only major thing is we practice safer sex. I do not touch his tooth brush or shaving equipment at all. These are things that can have trace amounts of blood on them no matter how careful you are to clean them after use. Rick is also vigilent and makes sure he puts his personal care items away after use.
The other thing is to be sure there are no "booby traps" around the house. This makes for common sense even if you are not infected. By booby traps I mean making sure there is nothing around the house that you could scrape or cut yourself on. Knives are always stored properly. Anything that breaks is cleaned up right away. If either one of us does get hurt we make sure that the site is cleaned up right away.
Rick is careful to keep any cuts that he does get covered until they heal. He lets me know right away if he gets hurt and where he got hurt. He is careful in the kitchen and bathroom. He does the necessary to keep me safe from exposure.
But how does it feel to be in love with someone who is HIV positive? How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their weakened immune system could be further compromised to the point of collapse? With all my research I have not found a site that can help me answer these basic but important questions.
When you enter into a relationship you believe it is going to be long term. You can't build a future for the relationship thinking that the other person won't be there to share in it. So I adopted an attitude that we are going to beat this disease some how. If not beat it at least keep it at bay. I want to and have to believe that he is going to always be there with me.
Some may say that I am living in denial of the facts. Let them think what they want. I am not going to live every day in fear of losing the love of my life. I have an attitude of gratitude for every day. (even the bad ones) No one is guaranteed tomorrow but we plan for it anyway and expect to be there when it happens.
How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their immune system could collapse? These are good questions that I live with.
I try to focus on the positive side of health. I do keep a watchful eye out for signs of any wound infection. I watch for any signs of jaundice. I watch for signs of any kind of fever. Other then that, I don't conciously think about the "what if's." I try to be watchful but not obsessive about it. I don't want to overlook something small that could turn into a big problem that could have been avoided had it been treated earlier.
The other thing I have is faith. I believe that what ever happens is in the hands of God. That He is there for me through anything that happens here on earth. He hears our prayers and answsers them. We may not understand all his ways but His way is the right way.
I believe that God brought Rick and I together for a reason. I also believe that he didn't bring us together just to tear us apart. That through the grace of God Rick will stay non-progressive. This simple faith helps me handle any fear that I might have.
I am a two time cancer survivor so I guess I have a diferent way of looking at life in general. I have never once asked "why me" about cancer. I know why but that's another blog. I don't worry about "what if" I become infected. I know I will handle it the same way I did when I found out I had cancer for the second time. I will do the necessary to have the most positive outcome. Eleven years and counting I am still cancer free. Eight years and counting and I am still HIV and HCV free. Thank God!
There are a lot of sites dedicated to living with HIV/AIDS but I didn't find any for the uninfected partner. If there is a good response to this blog then I will start one. I look forward to getting comments on this blog. Please comment me.
7 comments:
- makeshiftspaces said...
-
I cannot even begin to imagine what kinds of challenges there are to living like this. It is definitely encouraging to see that your love for your husband makes all of those precautions worth it.
- March 8, 2009 6:38 PM
- whispering wind said...
-
My husband is the love of my life.
We have to make adjustments and make sure that I am not exposed to anything. At times that can take a little shine of the moment but over all the joy of being with that one special person makes all the difference.
I am going to post another blog that goes deeper into the feelings and adjustments in the future. - March 8, 2009 7:54 PM
- Strongerbecauseiamlovedbyapos said...
-
Wow. I met my love online as well. 3 months after we met. He told me his doctor was testing him for hiv and hep c. He was HIV+. Days later, he was diagnosed with hiv. His ex girlfriend cheated and gave it to not only him, but 3 other people she has slept with. It did not matter to me, I couldn't leave. I loved this man. I stayed, 3 years later, I am his fiance. He now has been diagnosed with Aids(last summer) and this past winter he beat KS. His KS is back, stomach and in the soft tissue of his mouth. His time left with me is short. Standing back from this situation, I would not change a day of it. We are going to be married at some point this summer. Thank You for sharing your story. It is not an easy thing to do as we HIV/Aids- partners get stuck with this label. Well, I am not a label, I am loved, as are you. Good luck in His and Your journey.
- June 25, 2009 10:47 AM
- nena79 said...
-
I met the love of my life five years ago and but the relation ship did not work out and we seperated only to encounter each other again 3 years later and began a two year relationship. We found out he was HIV+ 5 months after we began dating and I have been tested several time since and have been negative. I refused to leave because this man was the man that I truly believed was the love I had been waiting for. I have watched him go into a downward spiral emotionally and he began to become very abusive towards me even though I only wanted to love him. I guess I became the target of his fear and distress over the disease. Regardless, I assured him that I would not leave him because I loved him before this I knew about this disease and I would love him after. Sadly, he pushed me away and we have been seperated for 5 weeks now. He refuses to speak to me and I am devestated.I believed that loving him could do no harm and he would in turn see that I was devoted to seeing him through the difficult road ahead but now I am just heartbroken. Although difficult because of the stigma that HIV/AIDS has I felt that I was determined to provide the best possible "normal" life we could have together but he didn't see it that way. I am still in shock and the hurt as yet to diminish one bit since I can't even get close enough to him to help him with the emotional pain he is going through.
- September 9, 2009 7:59 PM
- Whispering Wind said...
-
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this thread. Long story.
Strongbecauseiamlovedbyapos: That seems to be a common thread with us. I am going to write on that in just a few minutes. Know that we share the same heart ache.
nena79 I tried to provide that normal life. I tried to build a future for us with the idea that he would always be there with me. I am also devastated by the break up. - October 6, 2009 11:12 AM
- chrisopher32 said...
-
I know how you feel. I have recently met a wonderful person, His name is James. He is HIV Positive and I am not. He told me he was on the second date. He just found out in July, So alot of this is new to him as well as me. I am falling so hard for him. I do have worries about HIV. I told him I would be there for him, I hope I can be strong for him. I dont know what I would do if I loose him.
- November 3, 2009 10:57 PM
- Whispering Wind said...
-
First things first. I highly recommend getting the facts about HIV/AIDS from reliable sources. Don't "think" you know. Educate yourself so that you really DO know.
I made a decision to love and have never once regretted it.
HIV/AIDS can you pass this test?
Can you look at someone and know if they are HIV or HCV positive? Take this little test and find out. I think you are going to be very surprised at the results.
What would you do if you fell in love with someone who was HIV or HCV Positive? How would you feel in this relationship? Would you even know if the person who looks so perfect is Positive for any disease?
I knew his status before we met in person. I was a little afraid at first because I didn't know anything about either disease. The first thing I did was do a lot of research online. Knowing the facts was just the beginning of the story.
I had to think about more then the normal questions you have before you enter into a relationship. For me, this was easy once I met him in person. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. My love for him grows stronger every day.
Do I ever think about the possibility of becoming positive myself? I have to admit that I think about it now and then. I like to get tested once or twice a year just to be able to stay on top of my status. Every time I get tested the answer is always the same. I remain negative. Do I ever worry about what I would do if my status changed? Not really, that is not helpful in any way.
I was concerned about sharp objects being left where they don't belong. I was concerned about stray or loose nails in the doorways or on the floor. When I heard the sound of a glass breaking it got me moving fast. The most important thing was I didn't want him to get hurt. Once I knew he was OK then it was on to the task of cleaning up the broken glass quickly and safely.
We take care to use the accepted precautions every time we are intimate. We take care to see that any cut he gets is cleaned and covered. We make sure that there are no booby traps around the house.
Here comes the hard part. The question of his health. How long will his health hold out? When will he need medication or even should he take medication? When to call the doctor? What about his diet? What if he gets really sick? The hardest question of all is what if I lose him?
These are the real tough questions that take lots of soul searching. You have to be honest with yourself. You would do good to ask yourself these questions before you enter into the relationship. You don't want to be thinking about these things as an after thought.
How do you decide if this person is right for you? How do you decide that this is the right relationship? You are going to have to decide for yourself. I can only say that once we met I knew the right answer for me.
Some of these questions are important to ask yourself even if your new partner is HIV and HCV negative. There are other things that can happen to a person that would bring about a situation where you had to make serious decisions on their behalf. No one is promised tomorrow so thinking about that is a waste of time and energy.
Mostly, you would do good to have a deep faith in God. When I first met my husband I prayed saying "if this is the man you want me to be with please protect me in this relationship." I thank God every day that he brought this man into my life. I have learned to really love.
We have our problems and right now we are not living together but we are working on getting back together in a healthier relationship. One that helps us to continue to grow and grow closer to God.
When we separated I had reached the bottom in my life. It was only then that I knew that I had personal problems that needed to be worked on. I finally realized how much the alcoholics in my life had affected me. I am working on me in order to be the wife God would have me be.
I know that life is only going to get better from here. One day we will be able to get back together with a stronger and healthier love for each other. For now all I can do is keep taking steps in the right direction.
What would you do if you fell in love with someone who was HIV or HCV Positive? How would you feel in this relationship? Would you even know if the person who looks so perfect is Positive for any disease?
I knew his status before we met in person. I was a little afraid at first because I didn't know anything about either disease. The first thing I did was do a lot of research online. Knowing the facts was just the beginning of the story.
I had to think about more then the normal questions you have before you enter into a relationship. For me, this was easy once I met him in person. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. My love for him grows stronger every day.
Do I ever think about the possibility of becoming positive myself? I have to admit that I think about it now and then. I like to get tested once or twice a year just to be able to stay on top of my status. Every time I get tested the answer is always the same. I remain negative. Do I ever worry about what I would do if my status changed? Not really, that is not helpful in any way.
I was concerned about sharp objects being left where they don't belong. I was concerned about stray or loose nails in the doorways or on the floor. When I heard the sound of a glass breaking it got me moving fast. The most important thing was I didn't want him to get hurt. Once I knew he was OK then it was on to the task of cleaning up the broken glass quickly and safely.
We take care to use the accepted precautions every time we are intimate. We take care to see that any cut he gets is cleaned and covered. We make sure that there are no booby traps around the house.
Here comes the hard part. The question of his health. How long will his health hold out? When will he need medication or even should he take medication? When to call the doctor? What about his diet? What if he gets really sick? The hardest question of all is what if I lose him?
These are the real tough questions that take lots of soul searching. You have to be honest with yourself. You would do good to ask yourself these questions before you enter into the relationship. You don't want to be thinking about these things as an after thought.
How do you decide if this person is right for you? How do you decide that this is the right relationship? You are going to have to decide for yourself. I can only say that once we met I knew the right answer for me.
Some of these questions are important to ask yourself even if your new partner is HIV and HCV negative. There are other things that can happen to a person that would bring about a situation where you had to make serious decisions on their behalf. No one is promised tomorrow so thinking about that is a waste of time and energy.
Mostly, you would do good to have a deep faith in God. When I first met my husband I prayed saying "if this is the man you want me to be with please protect me in this relationship." I thank God every day that he brought this man into my life. I have learned to really love.
We have our problems and right now we are not living together but we are working on getting back together in a healthier relationship. One that helps us to continue to grow and grow closer to God.
When we separated I had reached the bottom in my life. It was only then that I knew that I had personal problems that needed to be worked on. I finally realized how much the alcoholics in my life had affected me. I am working on me in order to be the wife God would have me be.
I know that life is only going to get better from here. One day we will be able to get back together with a stronger and healthier love for each other. For now all I can do is keep taking steps in the right direction.
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