Divorce

Such a simple word - divorce - but it has a very deep price to pay in the end. It's never easy and it's never peaceful. There is only the pretense of a closure on something that has been a big part of who you are. Or should I say a part of who you were.

Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.

I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.

I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.

He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.

I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.

I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.

While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.