Another strange dream!

I woke up the other morning with the memory of a very strange dream. I guess nothing much happens in my real life worth posting so I concentrate on writing about the dreams I have.

Each day is either peaceful or boring depending on how you look at it. I either have solitude or I am alone depending on how I think about it. I prefer to focus on the positive in my waking life. These odd ball dreams have a way of creeping into my sleep. They leave me with some negative thoughts and emotions until I am able to shake off their affects.

I had a dream that my estranged husband and I were walking and talking happily. We had some pet squirrels that were walking with us. It was a warm and peaceful day. The sky was a deep blue the temperature was warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. The day wouldn't have been better!

All of a sudden we were confronted by a really over sized dog that we both knew was always in the same spot ahead of us. I started to back up a little and my husband slowed down his walking but he didn't stop completely and he didn't stop the pets.

I tried to warn him that the pets were in danger but he wouldn't listen. For some reason I couldn't stop the pets from walking up to the dog. The dog lowered his head and started to sniff the squirrel on the ground. My husband said, "see, the dog isn't going to do anything to the squirrel." The words no sooner were spoken when the dog grabbed the squirrel up in his mouth.

We started to fight the dog to get it to let go of the squirrel but the dog would not let go. The squirrel was entirely in the dog's mouth but still alive. The more we tried to get the dog to let go the louder it growled. We weren't afraid and we did not panic but we did all we could to make the dog leg the squirrel go.

After a couple of minutes, the dog lifted it's head and swallowed the squirrel. We both knew at that point that it was over.

I woke up at that point so I don't know how this dream was going to turn out. Even now I feel deep sadness just thinking about that dream. I don't know what it all means for sure but I have an idea what it is all trying to tell me.

Even though we have had problems before and separated this time it's very different. We have each filed for divorce but we never finished making the separation final. We just weren't ready to let go. This time I honestly believe that there is no way to get this marriage back together again. This time I honestly believe that I am ready for it to end.

His actions and the way he treats me send the message that he doesn't care how he treats me because he thinks that I am always going to run back to him the minute he calls my name. He doesn't know that I have finally reached the limit of what I am going to accept. He doesn't know that I have convinced my heart that it's just not going to work out no matter what I do. No matter how much I do it's never enough. No matter what I do it's never right.

It's time to close the door and move on.

Divorce

Such a simple word - divorce - but it has a very deep price to pay in the end. It's never easy and it's never peaceful. There is only the pretense of a closure on something that has been a big part of who you are. Or should I say a part of who you were.

Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.

I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.

I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.

He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.

I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.

I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.

While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.