Not yet sleepy

I am not yet sleepy even though it's almost 2 a.m. Some nights I go to bed only to toss and turn for hours. I think it's just a little too warm in my room for sleep tonight. Maybe I should open the window a little and get some fresh air in there.

I have been wondering how it's going to feel to actually go to court and get the divorce over and done with. I wonder if I am going to be relieved, sad or both. What I do know is this relationship has sucked all the life out of me I am willing to give it.

While there will be some sadness I know that this too shall pass. I will be the strong and independent person I was before. I will hold my head up and find my inner strength that has been hiding deep within me struggling to find it's way to the surface again.

I am doing things I like to do for the right reasons. I am thinking thoughts of the simple pleasures in life. I smile more often. Jokes are funny again. Over all life is getting good again. While there is yet clouds in the sky I can see the sun breaks that have been hiding for so long.

I want to thank God for always being there for me. Even when things were their darkest I knew that I was never alone. This has been a learning and growing experience for me. One that I will carry for the rest of my life in a positive way as I reach for the life that is in front of me.

A little thinking is a dangerous thing

While I sit here thinking about my life and where I am going my mind turns to where I have been. I have not yet let go of my marriage but I don't hold out any hope for it now. I believe it is beyond any chance of saving it. There is a little part of me that wonders if it was ever meant to be in the first place.

I sent him an email after the fact that said basically why didn't he just tell me the truth to begin with. If all he wanted or needed my help why did he have to pretend that we were working on getting back together. Why didn't he just tell me the truth about his intentions? Doesn't he know that the truth is always best?

I said before words to the effect that the narcissist will whisper come closer so I can slap you. Is this part of the fun for him? Do I ruin it for him when I will not believe the made up dream and that I see the double talk for what it is worth?

He said "I've told you from the time I filed for divorce. The only way to keep the marriage is for you to get help. I said that I would delay the divorce proceedings if you would get help."

I read that to say that 1. I have to do exactly what he says when he says it or else. 2. The word delay is very telling. He knows that he will trump up something else to justify separating again if it is in what he deems his best interest to do so. He also said that he would pay half for anger management class for me but managed to pull off a separation before that happened knowing that I can't afford to pay it all by myself.

There are times when I honestly wish things had been just a little different between us. I wish that he could be honest, true and faithful. He just doesn't have the capacity to be those things. He won't even tell himself the truth. He tells himself what ever lies he needs to in order to justify his actions. The only people that buy his claims besides himself are the ones that just plain don't care one way or the other to begin with.

He told me many times that I give people too much head room. That may be true. He is occupying too big of a place in my head and my heart but that is changing slowly. I think of him less and less often as time goes on. I am happier and finding more peace as time goes on. I find myself looking to the future more and more every day.

I am going to be busy tomorrow running errands then capping it off by doing some things I want to do. I really like the idea of doing what I want when I want to and not having to explain myself to anyone. I may not always make the best of choices but take pleasure in being able to make them for myself.