Steps 8 and 9. No one said it would be easy.

I am working on step 8 and 9 knowing that step 10 is going to be something I will be doing for the rest of my life. No one said these steps would be easy but they didn't say how difficult they would be either.

I started to clean my side of the street. In a series of emails I have sent to a few people I tried to make amends. At first it wasn't so bad saying I am sorry for this and that. As I peeled each layer off and got further into what I had done it became more and more painful. How could I have treated the person I love that way?

I thought it would make me feel better to confess. I started out feeling OK and ended up feeling totally horrid. I took responsibility for the things I had done and said. No excuses and no trying to hide. I am totally ashamed of myself.

I did this with no expectations at all. It was the right thing to do.

As I went through life I know that I became more judgmental and opinionated. I became more sure that I was right and would use any weapon at my disposal to prove it. Harsher with my word and tone. I tried harder to force my opinion on the people around me without realizing it.

Today I wonder again who am I really?? What agreements do I have with myself that would allow me to treat someone like that? What was I thinking and when did I start thinking that way? Why was it OK for me to say things like that? Why was it OK for me to treat the people I love like that? What did I expect in return? How long have I been acting this way?

I have just begun to make my apologies to the people I hurt. It's really going to be a long road to recovery but I know that I am on my way. My hope is that those I have hurt will be able to heal the wounds I caused. If in turn they feel they have hurt me and want to say they are sorry I will listen without interrupting or correcting them. We all remember things differently, it's the thought that they want to make amends that counts!

I have a long list of people that I will be contacting and confessing to. All I can do is be honest and sincere in my apology. All I can do is my best to not make the same mistakes again. I will try to treat the people I love with the respect they deserve. I will try to show the people I love that I really do love them.

I don't know how long this process is going to take. I don't know if there is any way to make amends to everyone. All I can do is my best. I pray that I will feel better when I have done all I can. Today I am going to put it all in the hands of God and ask for his guidance. I will ask Him to take my shortcomings and replace them with a deeper knowledge of His will.

I will never be perfect but I am comforted by the knowledge that I am a work in progress! What is that old saying? I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be.

Al-anon is the ticket back to sanity

I missed the last two Al-anon meetings and I could feel the difference in my attitude. I was getting more and more sad as time went on. I had little "emergencies" come up that had (IMHO) to be taken care of right away.

We were talking after the meeting about holding someone else responsible for our expectations. How angry we get when those expectations are not met or worse yet met with extreme opposition.

Al-anon is all about US. About letting go of the "responsibility" of controlling someone else's behavior. Learning to accept what IS and dealing with it accordingly. In short, Al-anon teaches you how to live out the serenity prayer.

With Al-anon I have found people who understand what I am thinking and feeling. No one there makes fun of anyone else or criticizes them for saying what is in their heart or mind. Even if they start to ramble on they are saying something they feel they desperately want someone to hear. There is always a pearl to be found if you listen with your heart.

Something happened last night that would have had me up all night upset and sick with worry but not last night. Thanks to the friends I have found and the changed way I look at life it was not a problem at all. I am not perfect by any means. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect but I am getting better. There was a time when I would have handled this situation differently. Thanks to Al-anon I have peace instead of fear.

I am focused on ME. What I need and what I need to do.