I am working on step 8 and 9 knowing that step 10 is going to be something I will be doing for the rest of my life. No one said these steps would be easy but they didn't say how difficult they would be either.
I started to clean my side of the street. In a series of emails I have sent to a few people I tried to make amends. At first it wasn't so bad saying I am sorry for this and that. As I peeled each layer off and got further into what I had done it became more and more painful. How could I have treated the person I love that way?
I thought it would make me feel better to confess. I started out feeling OK and ended up feeling totally horrid. I took responsibility for the things I had done and said. No excuses and no trying to hide. I am totally ashamed of myself.
I did this with no expectations at all. It was the right thing to do.
As I went through life I know that I became more judgmental and opinionated. I became more sure that I was right and would use any weapon at my disposal to prove it. Harsher with my word and tone. I tried harder to force my opinion on the people around me without realizing it.
Today I wonder again who am I really?? What agreements do I have with myself that would allow me to treat someone like that? What was I thinking and when did I start thinking that way? Why was it OK for me to say things like that? Why was it OK for me to treat the people I love like that? What did I expect in return? How long have I been acting this way?
I have just begun to make my apologies to the people I hurt. It's really going to be a long road to recovery but I know that I am on my way. My hope is that those I have hurt will be able to heal the wounds I caused. If in turn they feel they have hurt me and want to say they are sorry I will listen without interrupting or correcting them. We all remember things differently, it's the thought that they want to make amends that counts!
I have a long list of people that I will be contacting and confessing to. All I can do is be honest and sincere in my apology. All I can do is my best to not make the same mistakes again. I will try to treat the people I love with the respect they deserve. I will try to show the people I love that I really do love them.
I don't know how long this process is going to take. I don't know if there is any way to make amends to everyone. All I can do is my best. I pray that I will feel better when I have done all I can. Today I am going to put it all in the hands of God and ask for his guidance. I will ask Him to take my shortcomings and replace them with a deeper knowledge of His will.
I will never be perfect but I am comforted by the knowledge that I am a work in progress! What is that old saying? I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Al-anon is the ticket back to sanity
I missed the last two Al-anon meetings and I could feel the difference in my attitude. I was getting more and more sad as time went on. I had little "emergencies" come up that had (IMHO) to be taken care of right away.
We were talking after the meeting about holding someone else responsible for our expectations. How angry we get when those expectations are not met or worse yet met with extreme opposition.
Al-anon is all about US. About letting go of the "responsibility" of controlling someone else's behavior. Learning to accept what IS and dealing with it accordingly. In short, Al-anon teaches you how to live out the serenity prayer.
With Al-anon I have found people who understand what I am thinking and feeling. No one there makes fun of anyone else or criticizes them for saying what is in their heart or mind. Even if they start to ramble on they are saying something they feel they desperately want someone to hear. There is always a pearl to be found if you listen with your heart.
Something happened last night that would have had me up all night upset and sick with worry but not last night. Thanks to the friends I have found and the changed way I look at life it was not a problem at all. I am not perfect by any means. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect but I am getting better. There was a time when I would have handled this situation differently. Thanks to Al-anon I have peace instead of fear.
I am focused on ME. What I need and what I need to do.
We were talking after the meeting about holding someone else responsible for our expectations. How angry we get when those expectations are not met or worse yet met with extreme opposition.
Al-anon is all about US. About letting go of the "responsibility" of controlling someone else's behavior. Learning to accept what IS and dealing with it accordingly. In short, Al-anon teaches you how to live out the serenity prayer.
With Al-anon I have found people who understand what I am thinking and feeling. No one there makes fun of anyone else or criticizes them for saying what is in their heart or mind. Even if they start to ramble on they are saying something they feel they desperately want someone to hear. There is always a pearl to be found if you listen with your heart.
Something happened last night that would have had me up all night upset and sick with worry but not last night. Thanks to the friends I have found and the changed way I look at life it was not a problem at all. I am not perfect by any means. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect but I am getting better. There was a time when I would have handled this situation differently. Thanks to Al-anon I have peace instead of fear.
I am focused on ME. What I need and what I need to do.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Survivor Guilt
Surviving a life threatening illness isn't listed as a cause for survivor guilt but it should be. I did find it listed as a cause of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you look hard you will find it here. PTSD
In September of 1994 my father died of lung cancer. I was living in another state at the time. I didn't know he was even sick until after the operation that removed his right lung. Three days after the surgery he developed pneumonia. I was finally called about a week after that. I went home right away but by then it was pretty much too late. My dad was 86 but was still very much independent. He was active and always going somewhere or doing something.
In December of 1994 my oldest brother died of lung cancer. This was almost more then I could handle. I had not even started to get over the shock of my father's death yet. He knew something was wrong but never said a word to anyone. He was taken to the hospital by my other brother John as soon as he realized that Charlie was sick but by then it was too late. He was admitted right away and died less then a week later. He was 47 when he died.
In June of 1995 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. This seems to run in the family and I didn't think it was such a big deal. A little surgery, some recovery time and I would be as good as new. Nothing to worry about. My daughter Naomi took care of me while I healed. Before long I was back at work and on with the rest of my life.
In April of 1996 my sister died of cancer of the everything. We knew for a long time that she had cancer. She was on chemotherapy and radiation for a long time. Her beautiful red hair had lost it's luster and there was about a two inch ring around her head where all her hair had fallen out. The rest was very thin. She made the decision to stop her treatment. I guess she just didn't want to do it any more. She was also 47 when she died.
In June of 1997 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years almost to the day after my first run in with cancer. This was way more serious. I was 45 at the time and a little part of me was thinking about how my brother and sister were both 47 when they died of cancer and I had some doubt if I would survive this. I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction but NO CHEMO! The results from pathology were they found a second tumor that no one knew was there. It took three and a half months from first surgery to back to work full time. My son David came to take care of me while I recovered.
In the years since then I have lost more people that I love to cancer. On top of that, you hear about this famous person or another who died of cancer and I wonder why I am still here. What is my purpose? I can't help but think about those who were living better lives that weren't the ones who beat this dreaded disease. They should be the ones still here with their families. I am no one special yet here I sit still cancer free.
Surviving a disease like cancer isn't listed in the root causes for survivor guilt but it should be included. In the time that I was going through being treated for cancer I lost three family members. It was hard enough to lose them and it was only made worse by thoughts like "yeah, I made it." How do I celebrate my victory over cancer? How do I view my survival in a positive way? Every loss makes the guilt grow stronger. Every time I think about how I beat the odds I am reminded of all the people I love that are no longer here. If I could trade places with any one of them I would.
I can't even talk about this much. I may make a passing or casual remark now and then. (Un)Fortunately for me, so far it hasn't been given much attention by anyone I mention it to. Maybe I look like I am not bothered by it. Maybe I look like I have it all under control. The truth be known I am screaming quietly for relief from the pain. Sometimes it's almost more then I can handle. There is always a part of me that hurts. I try to block the pain but no matter what I do it's always there with me.
When I am alone I ask God "Why me?" Sometimes I ask this in a positive way, sometimes a negative way. Either way it's the same question. I still don't know the answer.
In September of 1994 my father died of lung cancer. I was living in another state at the time. I didn't know he was even sick until after the operation that removed his right lung. Three days after the surgery he developed pneumonia. I was finally called about a week after that. I went home right away but by then it was pretty much too late. My dad was 86 but was still very much independent. He was active and always going somewhere or doing something.
In December of 1994 my oldest brother died of lung cancer. This was almost more then I could handle. I had not even started to get over the shock of my father's death yet. He knew something was wrong but never said a word to anyone. He was taken to the hospital by my other brother John as soon as he realized that Charlie was sick but by then it was too late. He was admitted right away and died less then a week later. He was 47 when he died.
In June of 1995 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. This seems to run in the family and I didn't think it was such a big deal. A little surgery, some recovery time and I would be as good as new. Nothing to worry about. My daughter Naomi took care of me while I healed. Before long I was back at work and on with the rest of my life.
In April of 1996 my sister died of cancer of the everything. We knew for a long time that she had cancer. She was on chemotherapy and radiation for a long time. Her beautiful red hair had lost it's luster and there was about a two inch ring around her head where all her hair had fallen out. The rest was very thin. She made the decision to stop her treatment. I guess she just didn't want to do it any more. She was also 47 when she died.
In June of 1997 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years almost to the day after my first run in with cancer. This was way more serious. I was 45 at the time and a little part of me was thinking about how my brother and sister were both 47 when they died of cancer and I had some doubt if I would survive this. I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction but NO CHEMO! The results from pathology were they found a second tumor that no one knew was there. It took three and a half months from first surgery to back to work full time. My son David came to take care of me while I recovered.
In the years since then I have lost more people that I love to cancer. On top of that, you hear about this famous person or another who died of cancer and I wonder why I am still here. What is my purpose? I can't help but think about those who were living better lives that weren't the ones who beat this dreaded disease. They should be the ones still here with their families. I am no one special yet here I sit still cancer free.
Surviving a disease like cancer isn't listed in the root causes for survivor guilt but it should be included. In the time that I was going through being treated for cancer I lost three family members. It was hard enough to lose them and it was only made worse by thoughts like "yeah, I made it." How do I celebrate my victory over cancer? How do I view my survival in a positive way? Every loss makes the guilt grow stronger. Every time I think about how I beat the odds I am reminded of all the people I love that are no longer here. If I could trade places with any one of them I would.
I can't even talk about this much. I may make a passing or casual remark now and then. (Un)Fortunately for me, so far it hasn't been given much attention by anyone I mention it to. Maybe I look like I am not bothered by it. Maybe I look like I have it all under control. The truth be known I am screaming quietly for relief from the pain. Sometimes it's almost more then I can handle. There is always a part of me that hurts. I try to block the pain but no matter what I do it's always there with me.
When I am alone I ask God "Why me?" Sometimes I ask this in a positive way, sometimes a negative way. Either way it's the same question. I still don't know the answer.
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