Steps 8 and 9. No one said it would be easy.

I am working on step 8 and 9 knowing that step 10 is going to be something I will be doing for the rest of my life. No one said these steps would be easy but they didn't say how difficult they would be either.

I started to clean my side of the street. In a series of emails I have sent to a few people I tried to make amends. At first it wasn't so bad saying I am sorry for this and that. As I peeled each layer off and got further into what I had done it became more and more painful. How could I have treated the person I love that way?

I thought it would make me feel better to confess. I started out feeling OK and ended up feeling totally horrid. I took responsibility for the things I had done and said. No excuses and no trying to hide. I am totally ashamed of myself.

I did this with no expectations at all. It was the right thing to do.

As I went through life I know that I became more judgmental and opinionated. I became more sure that I was right and would use any weapon at my disposal to prove it. Harsher with my word and tone. I tried harder to force my opinion on the people around me without realizing it.

Today I wonder again who am I really?? What agreements do I have with myself that would allow me to treat someone like that? What was I thinking and when did I start thinking that way? Why was it OK for me to say things like that? Why was it OK for me to treat the people I love like that? What did I expect in return? How long have I been acting this way?

I have just begun to make my apologies to the people I hurt. It's really going to be a long road to recovery but I know that I am on my way. My hope is that those I have hurt will be able to heal the wounds I caused. If in turn they feel they have hurt me and want to say they are sorry I will listen without interrupting or correcting them. We all remember things differently, it's the thought that they want to make amends that counts!

I have a long list of people that I will be contacting and confessing to. All I can do is be honest and sincere in my apology. All I can do is my best to not make the same mistakes again. I will try to treat the people I love with the respect they deserve. I will try to show the people I love that I really do love them.

I don't know how long this process is going to take. I don't know if there is any way to make amends to everyone. All I can do is my best. I pray that I will feel better when I have done all I can. Today I am going to put it all in the hands of God and ask for his guidance. I will ask Him to take my shortcomings and replace them with a deeper knowledge of His will.

I will never be perfect but I am comforted by the knowledge that I am a work in progress! What is that old saying? I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be.