Survivor Guilt

Surviving a life threatening illness isn't listed as a cause for survivor guilt but it should be. I did find it listed as a cause of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you look hard you will find it here. PTSD

In September of 1994 my father died of lung cancer. I was living in another state at the time. I didn't know he was even sick until after the operation that removed his right lung. Three days after the surgery he developed pneumonia. I was finally called about a week after that. I went home right away but by then it was pretty much too late. My dad was 86 but was still very much independent. He was active and always going somewhere or doing something.

In December of 1994 my oldest brother died of lung cancer. This was almost more then I could handle. I had not even started to get over the shock of my father's death yet. He knew something was wrong but never said a word to anyone. He was taken to the hospital by my other brother John as soon as he realized that Charlie was sick but by then it was too late. He was admitted right away and died less then a week later. He was 47 when he died.

In June of 1995 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. This seems to run in the family and I didn't think it was such a big deal. A little surgery, some recovery time and I would be as good as new. Nothing to worry about. My daughter Naomi took care of me while I healed. Before long I was back at work and on with the rest of my life.

In April of 1996 my sister died of cancer of the everything. We knew for a long time that she had cancer. She was on chemotherapy and radiation for a long time. Her beautiful red hair had lost it's luster and there was about a two inch ring around her head where all her hair had fallen out. The rest was very thin. She made the decision to stop her treatment. I guess she just didn't want to do it any more. She was also 47 when she died.

In June of 1997 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years almost to the day after my first run in with cancer. This was way more serious. I was 45 at the time and a little part of me was thinking about how my brother and sister were both 47 when they died of cancer and I had some doubt if I would survive this. I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction but NO CHEMO! The results from pathology were they found a second tumor that no one knew was there. It took three and a half months from first surgery to back to work full time. My son David came to take care of me while I recovered.

In the years since then I have lost more people that I love to cancer. On top of that, you hear about this famous person or another who died of cancer and I wonder why I am still here. What is my purpose? I can't help but think about those who were living better lives that weren't the ones who beat this dreaded disease. They should be the ones still here with their families. I am no one special yet here I sit still cancer free.

Surviving a disease like cancer isn't listed in the root causes for survivor guilt but it should be included. In the time that I was going through being treated for cancer I lost three family members. It was hard enough to lose them and it was only made worse by thoughts like "yeah, I made it." How do I celebrate my victory over cancer? How do I view my survival in a positive way? Every loss makes the guilt grow stronger. Every time I think about how I beat the odds I am reminded of all the people I love that are no longer here. If I could trade places with any one of them I would.

I can't even talk about this much. I may make a passing or casual remark now and then. (Un)Fortunately for me, so far it hasn't been given much attention by anyone I mention it to. Maybe I look like I am not bothered by it. Maybe I look like I have it all under control. The truth be known I am screaming quietly for relief from the pain. Sometimes it's almost more then I can handle. There is always a part of me that hurts. I try to block the pain but no matter what I do it's always there with me.

When I am alone I ask God "Why me?" Sometimes I ask this in a positive way, sometimes a negative way. Either way it's the same question. I still don't know the answer.