Such a simple word - divorce - but it has a very deep price to pay in the end. It's never easy and it's never peaceful. There is only the pretense of a closure on something that has been a big part of who you are. Or should I say a part of who you were.
Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.
I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.
I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.
He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.
I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.
I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.
While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Nightmares are back again.
I know what is causing the nightmares but that doesn't mean I can stop the nightmares. We go for the divorce on Friday and I am really upset about it. The same dream repeats again and again every time I try to sleep. It goes this way.
We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."
He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.
I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.
I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.
Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.
Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.
I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.
We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."
He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.
I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.
I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.
Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.
Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.
I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Life with Fibromyalgia
I am still trying to learn how to live with Fibromyalgia. I have my good days and my bad days for sure. I guess everyone does for one reason or another. We all have our challenges that we have to deal with.
Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.
I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.
What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.
I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.
I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.
I am open to any suggestions not listed above.
Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.
I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.
What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.
I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.
I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.
I am open to any suggestions not listed above.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
