Nightmares are back again.

I know what is causing the nightmares but that doesn't mean I can stop the nightmares. We go for the divorce on Friday and I am really upset about it. The same dream repeats again and again every time I try to sleep. It goes this way.

We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."

He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.

I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.

I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.

Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.

Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.

I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.

Life with Fibromyalgia

I am still trying to learn how to live with Fibromyalgia. I have my good days and my bad days for sure. I guess everyone does for one reason or another. We all have our challenges that we have to deal with.

Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.

I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.

What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.

I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.

I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.

I am open to any suggestions not listed above.

Another day

I had a pretty good day. I went to the local casino and ran into my brother there. He has his ways and I have mine. There are times when we get along and times when we don't but he is my only brother still alive.

My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.

Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.

Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.

I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.

Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.

He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.

This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.

So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.

I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.

If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.

Life is GOOD!