This is the "official" end of summer and a three day weekend. It's been an interesting summer but not one that I will want to remember. I had my ups and downs to say the least. I had my good moments and my not so good moments. I guess you have to take the bad with the good. Either way, you can't change what has been done.
Soon the rain will start again and I am not looking forward to that. At least my allergies won't be so bad. I guess that's a good thing. It just makes it hard to drive at night when it seems that your headlights aren't working. I don't go out at night very often anyway. Let's hope there are no emergency runs for something I just ran out of or forgot to get during the day.
I want to move the furniture around again so the couch isn't in front of the heater. That means moving my computer desk and I don't know if it's going to survive another move. The poor thing is on it's last leg. I have had it a long time and it's been well used and abused. That is going to have to be a task for another day. Just not up to it right now.
In the middle of a fibro crash. I think I can do anything until I get up and try to get going. Then I realize that my get up and go got up and went. I quietly sit back down and try to keep my mind occupied doing things that don't take any energy to do. I have been able to keep up with taking care of the cats, cooking my meals and most of the housework but that's about it for me.
Lately I have been playing games on Facebook. Even that gets old after a while. I chat on message boards but with all the trolls there it's hard to have a conversation with anyone. We talk about religion and that can prove to be very interesting to me. You get to chat with people from different parts of the country that you would never get to talk to in real life. It's nice to get to read about other people's thoughts and beliefs. I share what I believe and why I believe it without trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I just want to do away with mistaken stereotypes.
Just a blah type of day. Maybe I will take a nap.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Long time no see old friend
I have to admit that my last post was a very long time ago. I had actually forgotten about this site until someone bitched at me today about not liking something I said here. A little late in the day for that in the first place. I don't really care if they like it or not in the second place. Just a little fuel for the fire at this point. Like what I say or not, no one is going to control what I say or do - especially not by long distance!
Oh well, now that I am here I might as well start blogging again.
It's been a strange couple of years to say the least. I have been through the ups and downs of life but try to take it all as it comes. I enjoy the good times and make it through the not so good times the best I can. My best isn't always working too good for me. I had a rough spell where I thought seriously about ending it all. I never want to get that depressed again under any circumstances. I will run not walk to the nearest doctor and do something about it even though I hate taking medicine.
One thing is for sure, I won't go the way I went last time I was so down. That ended up working OK for about 11 months then the last month was right back to where it all ended before. I was hurt and angry beyond words. I, again, went through all the same things I went through all the other times before. Now it's at the part where it really hurts again. This is where the pain really sets in and the reality of the situation hits home.
I don't want or expect anyone to cry for me. Please pray for me, though. While I am not feeling very strong right now I know that this will pass in time. My heart will heal. I will move on older but wiser. At any rate, I will be here more often now that life is settling into a peaceful routine. I have my moments when I am happy in spite of everything and it's those moments I am going to stay focused on and keep looking forward to until the sun breaks through to my heart again. For now I will just watch and wait for the rainbow.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Another strange dream!
I woke up the other morning with the memory of a very strange dream. I guess nothing much happens in my real life worth posting so I concentrate on writing about the dreams I have.
Each day is either peaceful or boring depending on how you look at it. I either have solitude or I am alone depending on how I think about it. I prefer to focus on the positive in my waking life. These odd ball dreams have a way of creeping into my sleep. They leave me with some negative thoughts and emotions until I am able to shake off their affects.
I had a dream that my estranged husband and I were walking and talking happily. We had some pet squirrels that were walking with us. It was a warm and peaceful day. The sky was a deep blue the temperature was warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. The day wouldn't have been better!
All of a sudden we were confronted by a really over sized dog that we both knew was always in the same spot ahead of us. I started to back up a little and my husband slowed down his walking but he didn't stop completely and he didn't stop the pets.
I tried to warn him that the pets were in danger but he wouldn't listen. For some reason I couldn't stop the pets from walking up to the dog. The dog lowered his head and started to sniff the squirrel on the ground. My husband said, "see, the dog isn't going to do anything to the squirrel." The words no sooner were spoken when the dog grabbed the squirrel up in his mouth.
We started to fight the dog to get it to let go of the squirrel but the dog would not let go. The squirrel was entirely in the dog's mouth but still alive. The more we tried to get the dog to let go the louder it growled. We weren't afraid and we did not panic but we did all we could to make the dog leg the squirrel go.
After a couple of minutes, the dog lifted it's head and swallowed the squirrel. We both knew at that point that it was over.
I woke up at that point so I don't know how this dream was going to turn out. Even now I feel deep sadness just thinking about that dream. I don't know what it all means for sure but I have an idea what it is all trying to tell me.
Even though we have had problems before and separated this time it's very different. We have each filed for divorce but we never finished making the separation final. We just weren't ready to let go. This time I honestly believe that there is no way to get this marriage back together again. This time I honestly believe that I am ready for it to end.
His actions and the way he treats me send the message that he doesn't care how he treats me because he thinks that I am always going to run back to him the minute he calls my name. He doesn't know that I have finally reached the limit of what I am going to accept. He doesn't know that I have convinced my heart that it's just not going to work out no matter what I do. No matter how much I do it's never enough. No matter what I do it's never right.
It's time to close the door and move on.
Each day is either peaceful or boring depending on how you look at it. I either have solitude or I am alone depending on how I think about it. I prefer to focus on the positive in my waking life. These odd ball dreams have a way of creeping into my sleep. They leave me with some negative thoughts and emotions until I am able to shake off their affects.
I had a dream that my estranged husband and I were walking and talking happily. We had some pet squirrels that were walking with us. It was a warm and peaceful day. The sky was a deep blue the temperature was warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. The day wouldn't have been better!
All of a sudden we were confronted by a really over sized dog that we both knew was always in the same spot ahead of us. I started to back up a little and my husband slowed down his walking but he didn't stop completely and he didn't stop the pets.
I tried to warn him that the pets were in danger but he wouldn't listen. For some reason I couldn't stop the pets from walking up to the dog. The dog lowered his head and started to sniff the squirrel on the ground. My husband said, "see, the dog isn't going to do anything to the squirrel." The words no sooner were spoken when the dog grabbed the squirrel up in his mouth.
We started to fight the dog to get it to let go of the squirrel but the dog would not let go. The squirrel was entirely in the dog's mouth but still alive. The more we tried to get the dog to let go the louder it growled. We weren't afraid and we did not panic but we did all we could to make the dog leg the squirrel go.
After a couple of minutes, the dog lifted it's head and swallowed the squirrel. We both knew at that point that it was over.
I woke up at that point so I don't know how this dream was going to turn out. Even now I feel deep sadness just thinking about that dream. I don't know what it all means for sure but I have an idea what it is all trying to tell me.
Even though we have had problems before and separated this time it's very different. We have each filed for divorce but we never finished making the separation final. We just weren't ready to let go. This time I honestly believe that there is no way to get this marriage back together again. This time I honestly believe that I am ready for it to end.
His actions and the way he treats me send the message that he doesn't care how he treats me because he thinks that I am always going to run back to him the minute he calls my name. He doesn't know that I have finally reached the limit of what I am going to accept. He doesn't know that I have convinced my heart that it's just not going to work out no matter what I do. No matter how much I do it's never enough. No matter what I do it's never right.
It's time to close the door and move on.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Divorce
Such a simple word - divorce - but it has a very deep price to pay in the end. It's never easy and it's never peaceful. There is only the pretense of a closure on something that has been a big part of who you are. Or should I say a part of who you were.
Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.
I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.
I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.
He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.
I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.
I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.
While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.
Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.
I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.
I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.
He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.
I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.
I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.
While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Nightmares are back again.
I know what is causing the nightmares but that doesn't mean I can stop the nightmares. We go for the divorce on Friday and I am really upset about it. The same dream repeats again and again every time I try to sleep. It goes this way.
We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."
He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.
I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.
I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.
Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.
Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.
I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.
We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."
He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.
I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.
I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.
Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.
Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.
I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Life with Fibromyalgia
I am still trying to learn how to live with Fibromyalgia. I have my good days and my bad days for sure. I guess everyone does for one reason or another. We all have our challenges that we have to deal with.
Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.
I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.
What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.
I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.
I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.
I am open to any suggestions not listed above.
Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.
I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.
What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.
I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.
I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.
I am open to any suggestions not listed above.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Another day
I had a pretty good day. I went to the local casino and ran into my brother there. He has his ways and I have mine. There are times when we get along and times when we don't but he is my only brother still alive.
My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.
Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.
Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.
I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.
Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.
He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.
This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.
So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.
I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.
If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.
Life is GOOD!
My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.
Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.
Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.
I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.
Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.
He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.
This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.
So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.
I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.
If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.
Life is GOOD!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Not a good day at all.
I woke up around 3 a.m. coughing and couldn't get back to sleep and that was the start of my day. I have to admit that this day was by far the worst. The reality of the situation is setting in. The sadness is hitting me full force and I am drowning in grief over the loss of everything.
I did manage to get some more housework done. I changed the living room around yesterday. I cleaned my bureau off and set up the candle set he gave me for Valentine's day. I cleaned the refrigerator out today. Nothing big got done but I figure a little at a time will get it all done. Some might say that the place looks nice but I am not done yet.
I can't go back for a number of reasons so that isn't an option. I can't quite let go and move forward so here I sit stuck in the same spot I was in when he left. Just sitting at the computer wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
He actually had the nerve to comment me on facebook. I was annoyed to say the least and sent him an email asking why he had to post it like that but he ignored the question. I had a feeling he would and don't know why I bothered. I should have ignored the entire thing.
I went to the casino for a little while today. I get the buy in and spend that. When it's gone so am I. The thing is, when I got home I realized that I still had my wedding ring on. Talk about a damper! I put my rings away when I got home and will not put them back on.
Life goes on. I am going to find a better way for me. I am going to find a path that will work long term. NO MORE putting a band-aid on the old wounds and having them start to heal only to have deeper wounds made in the same place.
I still say the pain of going around the same mountain finally hurts more then the pain of letting go. The truth of the matter is I know it's only a matter of time before he will try to get back in my good graces. I am not going to let him back in my life no matter what he says or does.
I did manage to get some more housework done. I changed the living room around yesterday. I cleaned my bureau off and set up the candle set he gave me for Valentine's day. I cleaned the refrigerator out today. Nothing big got done but I figure a little at a time will get it all done. Some might say that the place looks nice but I am not done yet.
I can't go back for a number of reasons so that isn't an option. I can't quite let go and move forward so here I sit stuck in the same spot I was in when he left. Just sitting at the computer wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
He actually had the nerve to comment me on facebook. I was annoyed to say the least and sent him an email asking why he had to post it like that but he ignored the question. I had a feeling he would and don't know why I bothered. I should have ignored the entire thing.
I went to the casino for a little while today. I get the buy in and spend that. When it's gone so am I. The thing is, when I got home I realized that I still had my wedding ring on. Talk about a damper! I put my rings away when I got home and will not put them back on.
Life goes on. I am going to find a better way for me. I am going to find a path that will work long term. NO MORE putting a band-aid on the old wounds and having them start to heal only to have deeper wounds made in the same place.
I still say the pain of going around the same mountain finally hurts more then the pain of letting go. The truth of the matter is I know it's only a matter of time before he will try to get back in my good graces. I am not going to let him back in my life no matter what he says or does.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Good Afternoon World
My morning chores are done and I am just relaxing in front of the t.v. drinking a cup of tea. Everything is peaceful and quiet here. I am not cheering but I am not crying either. I am sitting somewhere in the middle and could go either way.
I catch myself holding my breath from time to time. I guess I am under more stress then I first realized. The view from under the bus is very familiar. I mentioned a couple of times that I could hear the bus coming down the street.
As with any addict, he made it out to be all my fault. I kept saying it was just more justification for what he was going to do anyway. Deny deny deny but go on and do it anyway. Pick fights then blame me saying I started it. There is only so much a person can take.
I don't know how to put the past behind me and move on. Even though I am thinking that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come back to me I am not doing anything to plan for my future. I don't know if I am living my life or just killing time. I don't know what to do.
What is the first step in a new direction? What do I do first?
I catch myself holding my breath from time to time. I guess I am under more stress then I first realized. The view from under the bus is very familiar. I mentioned a couple of times that I could hear the bus coming down the street.
As with any addict, he made it out to be all my fault. I kept saying it was just more justification for what he was going to do anyway. Deny deny deny but go on and do it anyway. Pick fights then blame me saying I started it. There is only so much a person can take.
I don't know how to put the past behind me and move on. Even though I am thinking that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come back to me I am not doing anything to plan for my future. I don't know if I am living my life or just killing time. I don't know what to do.
What is the first step in a new direction? What do I do first?
Monday, March 7, 2011
My first full day alone - again.
I took my medicine last night around 10 p.m. and went to bed around 11. I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up once around 3 a.m. but was able to go back to sleep. To my surprise I slept until 10 a.m.
When I got up I felt pretty good. No aches, no pains and no sorrow! I can't say that I was overly happy but at least I wasn't buried in sorrow and nothing hurt. I am doing better then I thought I would. Not as good as I would like but I can live with this.
I was able to get some more housework done today. The cleaning that I have been putting off but planning on doing but never got around to was waiting for me. I am pleased with how the house looks but not finished getting things done. I don't want to over do it.
I did my shopping yesterday and paid some more bills today. Only a couple more things to do. One is renew my driver's license. I want to look nice when I go to do that. No matter how hard you try your pic always looks awful! Maybe this time it won't be quite so bad.
It may be my imagination but it seems that I can taste things better today. I haven't smoked as much the past two days as I normally do and it could be that is what is making the difference. I just don't know for sure. I dropped down from up to three packs a day to maybe 1 to 1 1/2 packs. I don't plan on quitting and doubt that it's going to happen. At least I am not smoking as much and that is a plus.
I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I have known for a long time that I have separation issues. I have known for a long time that I need to do more work on these issues. It looks like I now have the time I need to get this done. This is going to be a long road back to sanity but I can do this.
For the past 10 years I have not wanted to let go of the person I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life. Through 10 years of everything that has happened I hung on to my faith in love. Now it's time to face the facts that I have to let go and save myself! I can't save him from himself no matter what I do. I can't love him until he loves himself. I can't love him until he loves me back.
The pain of being with him finally outweighs the pain of moving on with my life without him. I have to accept the fact that what he does and what he suffers as a result of those actions are on him and him alone.
I haven't cried yet but I know that it won't be long before I let the tears flow like rain. I am going to cry out all the pain inside me. When I am done crying I am going to dry my eyes, wash my face and start to rebuild my life.
When I got up I felt pretty good. No aches, no pains and no sorrow! I can't say that I was overly happy but at least I wasn't buried in sorrow and nothing hurt. I am doing better then I thought I would. Not as good as I would like but I can live with this.
I was able to get some more housework done today. The cleaning that I have been putting off but planning on doing but never got around to was waiting for me. I am pleased with how the house looks but not finished getting things done. I don't want to over do it.
I did my shopping yesterday and paid some more bills today. Only a couple more things to do. One is renew my driver's license. I want to look nice when I go to do that. No matter how hard you try your pic always looks awful! Maybe this time it won't be quite so bad.
It may be my imagination but it seems that I can taste things better today. I haven't smoked as much the past two days as I normally do and it could be that is what is making the difference. I just don't know for sure. I dropped down from up to three packs a day to maybe 1 to 1 1/2 packs. I don't plan on quitting and doubt that it's going to happen. At least I am not smoking as much and that is a plus.
I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I have known for a long time that I have separation issues. I have known for a long time that I need to do more work on these issues. It looks like I now have the time I need to get this done. This is going to be a long road back to sanity but I can do this.
For the past 10 years I have not wanted to let go of the person I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life. Through 10 years of everything that has happened I hung on to my faith in love. Now it's time to face the facts that I have to let go and save myself! I can't save him from himself no matter what I do. I can't love him until he loves himself. I can't love him until he loves me back.
The pain of being with him finally outweighs the pain of moving on with my life without him. I have to accept the fact that what he does and what he suffers as a result of those actions are on him and him alone.
I haven't cried yet but I know that it won't be long before I let the tears flow like rain. I am going to cry out all the pain inside me. When I am done crying I am going to dry my eyes, wash my face and start to rebuild my life.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Get me off this merry go round of denial
I just read my last post. I can't believe that I am in the same spot now AGAIN as I was then. Am I ever going to learn my lesson? Am I destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over? Am I going to keep riding around on the same merry go 'round forever?
We got back together and I kept thinking that this time we finally had it right. This time we were going to make it stick. We were both supportive and loving to each other. We were both making better decisions. In short, I was almost lulled into a false sense of security.
Slowly but surely the old patter started to repeat itself. I tried to ignore the signs but they started to show up again and again. The spats began again. He started doing and saying the things that use to anger me before and I stayed calm and ignored it. The more I tried to overlook or just not react to the worse it got. Soon, I could no longer hide in denial.
It wasn't long before I started to prepare myself for the other shoe to drop. I knew for sure it was only a matter of time. I just didn't think it was going to come so soon.
When he said that he was "stuck" with me because he had spent all his money on me and couldn't return to his apartment it really hurt. After hearing that 5 times in 3 months I just couldn't take it any more. The first of the month I told him how I felt about that and if he really wanted to leave then the time was right to make good his escape. I told him my house wasn't a prison and the lock didn't keep anyone in.
The next day we had a huge fight. Before we went to bed I tried to calm things down. I did say a very sincere apology and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up at 7 a.m. and the fight started all over again. He wouldn't let it go no matter what I said or did. I said he didn't have to fight his way out and he was free to go. He packed his things and moved out. When he was done he brought the car back to me and asked if he could use my car to go shopping. I was hurt and angry and said no.
The thing that bothers me most is we were fighting and I had my back to him when I felt something hit the back of my legs hard. My knees started to buckle and I almost fell to the floor. I looked back to see what had hit my legs and I saw the cat behind me. I asked him if he did that on purpose and he said no but I still think he did.
Of all the things that he has done that I forgave him for this is one thing that will NEVER be forgiven under any circumstances. There is no excuse for abusing the kittens. They didn't do anything wrong. The fight was between him and I. They don't have any say or any choice over what the people in the house do.
How sad.
We got back together and I kept thinking that this time we finally had it right. This time we were going to make it stick. We were both supportive and loving to each other. We were both making better decisions. In short, I was almost lulled into a false sense of security.
Slowly but surely the old patter started to repeat itself. I tried to ignore the signs but they started to show up again and again. The spats began again. He started doing and saying the things that use to anger me before and I stayed calm and ignored it. The more I tried to overlook or just not react to the worse it got. Soon, I could no longer hide in denial.
It wasn't long before I started to prepare myself for the other shoe to drop. I knew for sure it was only a matter of time. I just didn't think it was going to come so soon.
When he said that he was "stuck" with me because he had spent all his money on me and couldn't return to his apartment it really hurt. After hearing that 5 times in 3 months I just couldn't take it any more. The first of the month I told him how I felt about that and if he really wanted to leave then the time was right to make good his escape. I told him my house wasn't a prison and the lock didn't keep anyone in.
The next day we had a huge fight. Before we went to bed I tried to calm things down. I did say a very sincere apology and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up at 7 a.m. and the fight started all over again. He wouldn't let it go no matter what I said or did. I said he didn't have to fight his way out and he was free to go. He packed his things and moved out. When he was done he brought the car back to me and asked if he could use my car to go shopping. I was hurt and angry and said no.
The thing that bothers me most is we were fighting and I had my back to him when I felt something hit the back of my legs hard. My knees started to buckle and I almost fell to the floor. I looked back to see what had hit my legs and I saw the cat behind me. I asked him if he did that on purpose and he said no but I still think he did.
Of all the things that he has done that I forgave him for this is one thing that will NEVER be forgiven under any circumstances. There is no excuse for abusing the kittens. They didn't do anything wrong. The fight was between him and I. They don't have any say or any choice over what the people in the house do.
How sad.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Not yet sleepy
I am not yet sleepy even though it's almost 2 a.m. Some nights I go to bed only to toss and turn for hours. I think it's just a little too warm in my room for sleep tonight. Maybe I should open the window a little and get some fresh air in there.
I have been wondering how it's going to feel to actually go to court and get the divorce over and done with. I wonder if I am going to be relieved, sad or both. What I do know is this relationship has sucked all the life out of me I am willing to give it.
While there will be some sadness I know that this too shall pass. I will be the strong and independent person I was before. I will hold my head up and find my inner strength that has been hiding deep within me struggling to find it's way to the surface again.
I am doing things I like to do for the right reasons. I am thinking thoughts of the simple pleasures in life. I smile more often. Jokes are funny again. Over all life is getting good again. While there is yet clouds in the sky I can see the sun breaks that have been hiding for so long.
I want to thank God for always being there for me. Even when things were their darkest I knew that I was never alone. This has been a learning and growing experience for me. One that I will carry for the rest of my life in a positive way as I reach for the life that is in front of me.
I have been wondering how it's going to feel to actually go to court and get the divorce over and done with. I wonder if I am going to be relieved, sad or both. What I do know is this relationship has sucked all the life out of me I am willing to give it.
While there will be some sadness I know that this too shall pass. I will be the strong and independent person I was before. I will hold my head up and find my inner strength that has been hiding deep within me struggling to find it's way to the surface again.
I am doing things I like to do for the right reasons. I am thinking thoughts of the simple pleasures in life. I smile more often. Jokes are funny again. Over all life is getting good again. While there is yet clouds in the sky I can see the sun breaks that have been hiding for so long.
I want to thank God for always being there for me. Even when things were their darkest I knew that I was never alone. This has been a learning and growing experience for me. One that I will carry for the rest of my life in a positive way as I reach for the life that is in front of me.
Monday, August 2, 2010
A little thinking is a dangerous thing
While I sit here thinking about my life and where I am going my mind turns to where I have been. I have not yet let go of my marriage but I don't hold out any hope for it now. I believe it is beyond any chance of saving it. There is a little part of me that wonders if it was ever meant to be in the first place.
I sent him an email after the fact that said basically why didn't he just tell me the truth to begin with. If all he wanted or needed my help why did he have to pretend that we were working on getting back together. Why didn't he just tell me the truth about his intentions? Doesn't he know that the truth is always best?
I said before words to the effect that the narcissist will whisper come closer so I can slap you. Is this part of the fun for him? Do I ruin it for him when I will not believe the made up dream and that I see the double talk for what it is worth?
He said "I've told you from the time I filed for divorce. The only way to keep the marriage is for you to get help. I said that I would delay the divorce proceedings if you would get help."
I read that to say that 1. I have to do exactly what he says when he says it or else. 2. The word delay is very telling. He knows that he will trump up something else to justify separating again if it is in what he deems his best interest to do so. He also said that he would pay half for anger management class for me but managed to pull off a separation before that happened knowing that I can't afford to pay it all by myself.
There are times when I honestly wish things had been just a little different between us. I wish that he could be honest, true and faithful. He just doesn't have the capacity to be those things. He won't even tell himself the truth. He tells himself what ever lies he needs to in order to justify his actions. The only people that buy his claims besides himself are the ones that just plain don't care one way or the other to begin with.
He told me many times that I give people too much head room. That may be true. He is occupying too big of a place in my head and my heart but that is changing slowly. I think of him less and less often as time goes on. I am happier and finding more peace as time goes on. I find myself looking to the future more and more every day.
I am going to be busy tomorrow running errands then capping it off by doing some things I want to do. I really like the idea of doing what I want when I want to and not having to explain myself to anyone. I may not always make the best of choices but take pleasure in being able to make them for myself.
I sent him an email after the fact that said basically why didn't he just tell me the truth to begin with. If all he wanted or needed my help why did he have to pretend that we were working on getting back together. Why didn't he just tell me the truth about his intentions? Doesn't he know that the truth is always best?
I said before words to the effect that the narcissist will whisper come closer so I can slap you. Is this part of the fun for him? Do I ruin it for him when I will not believe the made up dream and that I see the double talk for what it is worth?
He said "I've told you from the time I filed for divorce. The only way to keep the marriage is for you to get help. I said that I would delay the divorce proceedings if you would get help."
I read that to say that 1. I have to do exactly what he says when he says it or else. 2. The word delay is very telling. He knows that he will trump up something else to justify separating again if it is in what he deems his best interest to do so. He also said that he would pay half for anger management class for me but managed to pull off a separation before that happened knowing that I can't afford to pay it all by myself.
There are times when I honestly wish things had been just a little different between us. I wish that he could be honest, true and faithful. He just doesn't have the capacity to be those things. He won't even tell himself the truth. He tells himself what ever lies he needs to in order to justify his actions. The only people that buy his claims besides himself are the ones that just plain don't care one way or the other to begin with.
He told me many times that I give people too much head room. That may be true. He is occupying too big of a place in my head and my heart but that is changing slowly. I think of him less and less often as time goes on. I am happier and finding more peace as time goes on. I find myself looking to the future more and more every day.
I am going to be busy tomorrow running errands then capping it off by doing some things I want to do. I really like the idea of doing what I want when I want to and not having to explain myself to anyone. I may not always make the best of choices but take pleasure in being able to make them for myself.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Moving forward with my life
Letting go of the past is never easy. No matter what the conditions are you find comfort in the familiar. You know what to expect on a daily basis. You learn how to work with what is going on around you and how you interact with the people in your life. You think that they are going to continue to do what they always do.
For some people that "rut" is a peaceful one. Some have the life they always dreamed of and can go through the day to day feeling safe and secure. Others are not so fortunate. Some make bad choices and decisions that lead them to cycles that go from relative happiness to absolute hell on earth.
When you are faced with the truth that you are on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop you have to make some serious decisions. Are you going to stay on that ride or find a safe place to get off? How many times are you going to go around and around knowing that there will be times of misery?
Right now I am in a section of the ride that has in the past been my personal hell. This is the time when I have suffered the most. This time I think I am handling it better then I have in the past. This time I have a more realistic look at the truth of the situation.
I still have my moments when I feel sad or angry. I have my moments when I cry or feel deeply sad but those times don't last long. There are times when I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There are times when I just want to work on making me a better person knowing I have learned some very important life lessons.
I don't know where my life is heading but I will find out as I go.
For some people that "rut" is a peaceful one. Some have the life they always dreamed of and can go through the day to day feeling safe and secure. Others are not so fortunate. Some make bad choices and decisions that lead them to cycles that go from relative happiness to absolute hell on earth.
When you are faced with the truth that you are on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop you have to make some serious decisions. Are you going to stay on that ride or find a safe place to get off? How many times are you going to go around and around knowing that there will be times of misery?
Right now I am in a section of the ride that has in the past been my personal hell. This is the time when I have suffered the most. This time I think I am handling it better then I have in the past. This time I have a more realistic look at the truth of the situation.
I still have my moments when I feel sad or angry. I have my moments when I cry or feel deeply sad but those times don't last long. There are times when I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There are times when I just want to work on making me a better person knowing I have learned some very important life lessons.
I don't know where my life is heading but I will find out as I go.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My childhood friends
I have been thinking about the neighborhood where I grew up. Thinking about my friends from when I was young and free. Thinking about a time in my life when I didn't have a care in the world. When I was young and innocent. Everything was a game or an adventure.
We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.
We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.
I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.
My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.
My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.
My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.
I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.
I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.
We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.
I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.
Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!
We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.
We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.
I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.
My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.
My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.
My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.
I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.
I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.
We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.
I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.
Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So I went to the casino today
I had a fun day for sure. I came out with all my original money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I think I probably should consider quitting smoking and I almost did. I decided why do something for someone who would only thinks of himself. Why bother trying to please someone who is never going to be satisfied no matter what I do.
Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.
My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.
We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.
We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.
Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.
Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.
Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.
My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.
We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.
We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.
Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.
Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Today is another day
Time seems to be moving much slower then it should today. Part of me just wants this day to be over so I can curl up in bed and go to sleep. I am not feeling too upbeat or positive today. It's a beautiful day out but I have no place to go and all day to get there.
I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.
I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.
I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?
I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.
One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.
That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.
I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.
I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.
I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?
I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.
One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.
That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Going around the same old mountain AGAIN
I have to admit I was not feeling good about the complete break in communication with my estranged husband. I was occasionally checking his blog and saw no evidence that he had been online at all. I was very concerned about his health and welfare. I wrote him an email asking how he was doing.
As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.
We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.
Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.
I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.
I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.
He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.
I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.
He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.
A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.
So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:
Great. Have a nice day.
As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.
We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.
Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.
I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.
I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.
He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.
I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.
He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.
A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.
So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:
Great. Have a nice day.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Someone sent a message to me
I have been separated from my husband for over a year now. There were times when I actually had hope that we were finally going to work the differences through and have that dream marriage that I thought we both wanted. Even though he filed for divorce during one of the not so hopeful times he said that we didn't have to follow through if we could work it out.
We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.
I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.
I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!
Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.
Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.
We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.
I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.
I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!
Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.
Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."
I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.
Monday, June 28, 2010
My need to be needed
I found this wonderful site that hit home with me. I am going to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the truth to this site that discusses some very important Life Strategies. I found this quite by accident. I believe that working with a site on codependency that I have been working with for a few years.
I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.
Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.
When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.
I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.
This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.
I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.
Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.
When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.
I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.
This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.
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