Whispering Wind's Thoughts

Another strange dream!

2011-09-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up the other morning with the memory of a very strange dream. I guess nothing much happens in my real life worth posting so I concentrate on writing about the dreams I have.

Each day is either peaceful or boring depending on how you look at it. I either have solitude or I am alone depending on how I think about it. I prefer to focus on the positive in my waking life. These odd ball dreams have a way of creeping into my sleep. They leave me with some negative thoughts and emotions until I am able to shake off their affects.

I had a dream that my estranged husband and I were walking and talking happily. We had some pet squirrels that were walking with us. It was a warm and peaceful day. The sky was a deep blue the temperature was warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. The day wouldn't have been better!

All of a sudden we were confronted by a really over sized dog that we both knew was always in the same spot ahead of us. I started to back up a little and my husband slowed down his walking but he didn't stop completely and he didn't stop the pets.

I tried to warn him that the pets were in danger but he wouldn't listen. For some reason I couldn't stop the pets from walking up to the dog. The dog lowered his head and started to sniff the squirrel on the ground. My husband said, "see, the dog isn't going to do anything to the squirrel." The words no sooner were spoken when the dog grabbed the squirrel up in his mouth.

We started to fight the dog to get it to let go of the squirrel but the dog would not let go. The squirrel was entirely in the dog's mouth but still alive. The more we tried to get the dog to let go the louder it growled. We weren't afraid and we did not panic but we did all we could to make the dog leg the squirrel go.

After a couple of minutes, the dog lifted it's head and swallowed the squirrel. We both knew at that point that it was over.

I woke up at that point so I don't know how this dream was going to turn out. Even now I feel deep sadness just thinking about that dream. I don't know what it all means for sure but I have an idea what it is all trying to tell me.

Even though we have had problems before and separated this time it's very different. We have each filed for divorce but we never finished making the separation final. We just weren't ready to let go. This time I honestly believe that there is no way to get this marriage back together again. This time I honestly believe that I am ready for it to end.

His actions and the way he treats me send the message that he doesn't care how he treats me because he thinks that I am always going to run back to him the minute he calls my name. He doesn't know that I have finally reached the limit of what I am going to accept. He doesn't know that I have convinced my heart that it's just not going to work out no matter what I do. No matter how much I do it's never enough. No matter what I do it's never right.

It's time to close the door and move on.

Divorce

2011-09-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

Such a simple word - divorce - but it has a very deep price to pay in the end. It's never easy and it's never peaceful. There is only the pretense of a closure on something that has been a big part of who you are. Or should I say a part of who you were.

Like it or not, I am "his wife" for a short while longer. We have a date to stand before the judge one last time. This is going to be the legal end of the marriage that technically lasted 10 years. We haven't lived together for a long time now so it's hard to say that the time legally married is relevant.

I had to try one last time. I had to be sure that I had done all I could to make this marriage work. The funny thing is, it didn't last two weeks and we were back in the same rut we were in before.

I can't let go of the past and pretend we aren't going around the same mountain again. He started doing the same things he did every time before when we would separate and I could see the writing on the wall.

He said we shouldn't be "tucked up each others' ass all the time." Those are words I heard many times before. The funny thing is, he had all the freedom he wanted plus the use of my car but he couldn't see it. He had the perfect situation and didn't recognize it for what it was.

I was calm, patient, trusting and agreeable. If he said he wanted to go somewhere I smiled and said OK as I handed him the car keys. I never asked any questions about what he did while we were separated. I was very willing to help him get his apartment organized. I went where he wanted to go and did what he wanted to do. He had his own way all the way yet that wasn't good enough for him.

I have finally proven to myself that the problem in our marriage wasn't me at all. That there is nothing wrong with me. I am beautiful and loveable and deserve far more then what he is capable of giving in the way of love and fidelity.

While it is very painful to go through the death of this marriage it's all for the best to let it go. It is never going to be anything different then what it is and I know that I deserve better.

Nightmares are back again.

2011-08-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

I know what is causing the nightmares but that doesn't mean I can stop the nightmares. We go for the divorce on Friday and I am really upset about it. The same dream repeats again and again every time I try to sleep. It goes this way.

We go before the judge. He verbally rips me apart but I stay calm. I tell the judge that the only thing we agree on is that we don't agree about anything. He immediately says "that's not true" and I say "guess I was wrong. There goes that out the window."

He continues to say mean things about me that aren't true. I ask him to just be quiet and let the judge do his thing. That way we can go our separate ways and go on with our lives. He sits in the chair and the judge signs the papers. I wait a minute or two to get my copy and he leaves.

I always go out the back door. I pass this young man heading into the court house. There is something about him that causes me to turn to look at him again. I don't know what it is but I have to turn around. I see a car heading right for him and there is no time to warn him.

I make a quick decision and push him out of the way. I am hit by the SUV driven by this young man's soon to be ex-wife. She was trying to run him over on purpose. After I get hit, she runs me over. The front tire goes across my hips and the back tire goes over my legs. The ground is cold and wet because it has been raining a lot lately. I was pushed into the mud but there was still some serious damage done.

Everyone runs to me to try and help. I can hear someone on the phone calling the police. The man I pushed gets to me first. I joke with him about that not being a good way to get that run down feeling. He bends down to me and I tell him that I am not in any pain and that worried me more then if I was. I told him I thought my back had to be broken. I told him that I would be OK in time.

Sometimes I am in the hospital before I wake up. My legs are in traction and I am in a body cast. Most times I wake up before I get there. There is no ambulance ride, I just go from the court house one second and in the hospital the next.

I haven't looked this up so I have no idea what it means. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams I would appreciate you letting me know. Maybe this dream will stop now that I have told someone and maybe it won't. I just want a full night sleep.

Life with Fibromyalgia

2011-03-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to learn how to live with Fibromyalgia. I have my good days and my bad days for sure. I guess everyone does for one reason or another. We all have our challenges that we have to deal with.

Today was a mixed day. All was well until the blinding headache set in. It's pretty much gone now but for a while I was wondering how long it was going to last. Each minute seemed like an hour. My vision is still a little blurry but it's better then it was and I am grateful for the improvement.

I am trying to relax so I can sleep but I have this big area on my back that is numb but it hurts at the same time. I have aches and pains pretty much all over my body. This is no way to try and live. There is no cure. There really isn't much in the way of treatment either.

What bothers me most is the days when I have zero energy. I have days when all I can do is sit in the chair with my arms folded across my chest. I get a cup of tea and sit without turning the t.v. on and I don't do anything but stare at the computer.

I didn't have much energy today. About all I could manage to do was take care of the cats and take the trash out. I did eat twice today and the dishes are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed. Tomorrow is another day and they will be OK until I get around to getting that done. I might do some laundry Sunday if I feel up to it. I don't have much laundry but because I have to use the laundry room down the hill I don't like to let it pile up too heavy.

I tried all the things I could from physical therapy to medication to meditation to diet and even prayer. So far nothing has given me much relief. I know that I have to watch what I eat. Gluten seems to be a very big problem for me. I had a piece of cake yesterday. Probably should leave it alone from now on.

I am open to any suggestions not listed above.

Another day

2011-03-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good day. I went to the local casino and ran into my brother there. He has his ways and I have mine. There are times when we get along and times when we don't but he is my only brother still alive.

My oldest brother died in 1994 of cancer and my older sister died in 1996 of cancer. They were both 47 when they died. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. My father died in 1994 of cancer and my mother died in 1998 of heart failure. Dad was 86 and Mom was 71.

Since I have a car and he doesn't you can see where the attraction is now. He had a doctor's appointment in Seattle last Monday and has to go for an endoscopy next Monday in Seattle. He paid the gas last time and can't go alone this week. He will drive up and I will drive back. He is going to pay for parking and gas.

Why do I go so far out of my way to help him? I don't know to be honest with you. There was a time when I would be loving in hopes of getting our marriage back. This time I really don't want any kind of working it out except for divorce.

I don't even want to think about what he is doing. I know what he did the last time and that is too disgusting to even think about - especially at bed time. How do I know? He told me and let me see his email and Craigs List accounts. That is how I know. He was open and honest well after the fact. When it was going on he swore up and down that he wasn't having sex with anyone. LIAR LIAR LIAR.

Would he lie again? absolutely! Would the truth come out after the fact again? Most likely yes. Do I want to know? Not really.

He justifies it to himself by saying it's over and we are not getting back together. When the party is over and he is broke and alone he comes back and says how sorry he is. I know the drill. We have gone this route too many times already.

This is the first time I have taken my rings off. This is the first time I have gone out in public places as a single woman. I kind of enjoy this actually.

So far I haven't met anyone. I am really shy and don't start conversations easily. I do warm up after a while and the words come. I don't know where or when but the chance to meet someone will come in time. I am in no hurry. For now I will enjoy being single. I will learn how to love me again.

I lost a lot of who I was. I lost a lot of self respect. I lost a lot of love for myself. The good news is I am gaining it all back quickly. I am going to be better then ever before.

If nothing else, he made me really look at me. I was able to heal a lot of very old wounds that I wasn't even aware I had. He pushed a lot of buttons that I didn't know were so sensitive. Having become aware of them I am able to heal me. I am very grateful for that much.

Life is GOOD!

Not a good day at all.

2011-03-09T19:10:00.001-08:00

I woke up around 3 a.m. coughing and couldn't get back to sleep and that was the start of my day. I have to admit that this day was by far the worst. The reality of the situation is setting in. The sadness is hitting me full force and I am drowning in grief over the loss of everything.

I did manage to get some more housework done. I changed the living room around yesterday. I cleaned my bureau off and set up the candle set he gave me for Valentine's day. I cleaned the refrigerator out today. Nothing big got done but I figure a little at a time will get it all done. Some might say that the place looks nice but I am not done yet.

I can't go back for a number of reasons so that isn't an option. I can't quite let go and move forward so here I sit stuck in the same spot I was in when he left. Just sitting at the computer wondering what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

He actually had the nerve to comment me on facebook. I was annoyed to say the least and sent him an email asking why he had to post it like that but he ignored the question. I had a feeling he would and don't know why I bothered. I should have ignored the entire thing.

I went to the casino for a little while today. I get the buy in and spend that. When it's gone so am I. The thing is, when I got home I realized that I still had my wedding ring on. Talk about a damper! I put my rings away when I got home and will not put them back on.

Life goes on. I am going to find a better way for me. I am going to find a path that will work long term. NO MORE putting a band-aid on the old wounds and having them start to heal only to have deeper wounds made in the same place.

I still say the pain of going around the same mountain finally hurts more then the pain of letting go. The truth of the matter is I know it's only a matter of time before he will try to get back in my good graces. I am not going to let him back in my life no matter what he says or does.

Good Afternoon World

2011-03-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

My morning chores are done and I am just relaxing in front of the t.v. drinking a cup of tea. Everything is peaceful and quiet here. I am not cheering but I am not crying either. I am sitting somewhere in the middle and could go either way.

I catch myself holding my breath from time to time. I guess I am under more stress then I first realized. The view from under the bus is very familiar. I mentioned a couple of times that I could hear the bus coming down the street.

As with any addict, he made it out to be all my fault. I kept saying it was just more justification for what he was going to do anyway. Deny deny deny but go on and do it anyway. Pick fights then blame me saying I started it. There is only so much a person can take.

I don't know how to put the past behind me and move on. Even though I am thinking that I am not sitting around waiting for him to come back to me I am not doing anything to plan for my future. I don't know if I am living my life or just killing time. I don't know what to do.

What is the first step in a new direction? What do I do first?

My first full day alone - again.

2011-03-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

I took my medicine last night around 10 p.m. and went to bed around 11. I went to sleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up once around 3 a.m. but was able to go back to sleep. To my surprise I slept until 10 a.m.

When I got up I felt pretty good. No aches, no pains and no sorrow! I can't say that I was overly happy but at least I wasn't buried in sorrow and nothing hurt. I am doing better then I thought I would. Not as good as I would like but I can live with this.

I was able to get some more housework done today. The cleaning that I have been putting off but planning on doing but never got around to was waiting for me. I am pleased with how the house looks but not finished getting things done. I don't want to over do it.

I did my shopping yesterday and paid some more bills today. Only a couple more things to do. One is renew my driver's license. I want to look nice when I go to do that. No matter how hard you try your pic always looks awful! Maybe this time it won't be quite so bad.

It may be my imagination but it seems that I can taste things better today. I haven't smoked as much the past two days as I normally do and it could be that is what is making the difference. I just don't know for sure. I dropped down from up to three packs a day to maybe 1 to 1 1/2 packs. I don't plan on quitting and doubt that it's going to happen. At least I am not smoking as much and that is a plus.

I have known for a long time that I am co-dependent. I have known for a long time that I have separation issues. I have known for a long time that I need to do more work on these issues. It looks like I now have the time I need to get this done. This is going to be a long road back to sanity but I can do this.

For the past 10 years I have not wanted to let go of the person I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life. Through 10 years of everything that has happened I hung on to my faith in love. Now it's time to face the facts that I have to let go and save myself! I can't save him from himself no matter what I do. I can't love him until he loves himself. I can't love him until he loves me back.

The pain of being with him finally outweighs the pain of moving on with my life without him. I have to accept the fact that what he does and what he suffers as a result of those actions are on him and him alone.

I haven't cried yet but I know that it won't be long before I let the tears flow like rain. I am going to cry out all the pain inside me. When I am done crying I am going to dry my eyes, wash my face and start to rebuild my life.

Get me off this merry go round of denial

2011-03-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

I just read my last post. I can't believe that I am in the same spot now AGAIN as I was then. Am I ever going to learn my lesson? Am I destined to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over? Am I going to keep riding around on the same merry go 'round forever?

We got back together and I kept thinking that this time we finally had it right. This time we were going to make it stick. We were both supportive and loving to each other. We were both making better decisions. In short, I was almost lulled into a false sense of security.

Slowly but surely the old patter started to repeat itself. I tried to ignore the signs but they started to show up again and again. The spats began again. He started doing and saying the things that use to anger me before and I stayed calm and ignored it. The more I tried to overlook or just not react to the worse it got. Soon, I could no longer hide in denial.

It wasn't long before I started to prepare myself for the other shoe to drop. I knew for sure it was only a matter of time. I just didn't think it was going to come so soon.

When he said that he was "stuck" with me because he had spent all his money on me and couldn't return to his apartment it really hurt. After hearing that 5 times in 3 months I just couldn't take it any more. The first of the month I told him how I felt about that and if he really wanted to leave then the time was right to make good his escape. I told him my house wasn't a prison and the lock didn't keep anyone in.

The next day we had a huge fight. Before we went to bed I tried to calm things down. I did say a very sincere apology and went to sleep. The next morning he woke me up at 7 a.m. and the fight started all over again. He wouldn't let it go no matter what I said or did. I said he didn't have to fight his way out and he was free to go. He packed his things and moved out. When he was done he brought the car back to me and asked if he could use my car to go shopping. I was hurt and angry and said no.

The thing that bothers me most is we were fighting and I had my back to him when I felt something hit the back of my legs hard. My knees started to buckle and I almost fell to the floor. I looked back to see what had hit my legs and I saw the cat behind me. I asked him if he did that on purpose and he said no but I still think he did.

Of all the things that he has done that I forgave him for this is one thing that will NEVER be forgiven under any circumstances. There is no excuse for abusing the kittens. They didn't do anything wrong. The fight was between him and I. They don't have any say or any choice over what the people in the house do.

How sad.

Not yet sleepy

2010-08-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

I am not yet sleepy even though it's almost 2 a.m. Some nights I go to bed only to toss and turn for hours. I think it's just a little too warm in my room for sleep tonight. Maybe I should open the window a little and get some fresh air in there.

I have been wondering how it's going to feel to actually go to court and get the divorce over and done with. I wonder if I am going to be relieved, sad or both. What I do know is this relationship has sucked all the life out of me I am willing to give it.

While there will be some sadness I know that this too shall pass. I will be the strong and independent person I was before. I will hold my head up and find my inner strength that has been hiding deep within me struggling to find it's way to the surface again.

I am doing things I like to do for the right reasons. I am thinking thoughts of the simple pleasures in life. I smile more often. Jokes are funny again. Over all life is getting good again. While there is yet clouds in the sky I can see the sun breaks that have been hiding for so long.

I want to thank God for always being there for me. Even when things were their darkest I knew that I was never alone. This has been a learning and growing experience for me. One that I will carry for the rest of my life in a positive way as I reach for the life that is in front of me.

A little thinking is a dangerous thing

2010-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

While I sit here thinking about my life and where I am going my mind turns to where I have been. I have not yet let go of my marriage but I don't hold out any hope for it now. I believe it is beyond any chance of saving it. There is a little part of me that wonders if it was ever meant to be in the first place.

I sent him an email after the fact that said basically why didn't he just tell me the truth to begin with. If all he wanted or needed my help why did he have to pretend that we were working on getting back together. Why didn't he just tell me the truth about his intentions? Doesn't he know that the truth is always best?

I said before words to the effect that the narcissist will whisper come closer so I can slap you. Is this part of the fun for him? Do I ruin it for him when I will not believe the made up dream and that I see the double talk for what it is worth?

He said "I've told you from the time I filed for divorce. The only way to keep the marriage is for you to get help. I said that I would delay the divorce proceedings if you would get help."

I read that to say that 1. I have to do exactly what he says when he says it or else. 2. The word delay is very telling. He knows that he will trump up something else to justify separating again if it is in what he deems his best interest to do so. He also said that he would pay half for anger management class for me but managed to pull off a separation before that happened knowing that I can't afford to pay it all by myself.

There are times when I honestly wish things had been just a little different between us. I wish that he could be honest, true and faithful. He just doesn't have the capacity to be those things. He won't even tell himself the truth. He tells himself what ever lies he needs to in order to justify his actions. The only people that buy his claims besides himself are the ones that just plain don't care one way or the other to begin with.

He told me many times that I give people too much head room. That may be true. He is occupying too big of a place in my head and my heart but that is changing slowly. I think of him less and less often as time goes on. I am happier and finding more peace as time goes on. I find myself looking to the future more and more every day.

I am going to be busy tomorrow running errands then capping it off by doing some things I want to do. I really like the idea of doing what I want when I want to and not having to explain myself to anyone. I may not always make the best of choices but take pleasure in being able to make them for myself.

Moving forward with my life

2010-07-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

Letting go of the past is never easy. No matter what the conditions are you find comfort in the familiar. You know what to expect on a daily basis. You learn how to work with what is going on around you and how you interact with the people in your life. You think that they are going to continue to do what they always do.

For some people that "rut" is a peaceful one. Some have the life they always dreamed of and can go through the day to day feeling safe and secure. Others are not so fortunate. Some make bad choices and decisions that lead them to cycles that go from relative happiness to absolute hell on earth.

When you are faced with the truth that you are on a merry-go-round that is never going to stop you have to make some serious decisions. Are you going to stay on that ride or find a safe place to get off? How many times are you going to go around and around knowing that there will be times of misery?

Right now I am in a section of the ride that has in the past been my personal hell. This is the time when I have suffered the most. This time I think I am handling it better then I have in the past. This time I have a more realistic look at the truth of the situation.

I still have my moments when I feel sad or angry. I have my moments when I cry or feel deeply sad but those times don't last long. There are times when I wonder what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There are times when I just want to work on making me a better person knowing I have learned some very important life lessons.

I don't know where my life is heading but I will find out as I go.

My childhood friends

2010-07-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the neighborhood where I grew up. Thinking about my friends from when I was young and free. Thinking about a time in my life when I didn't have a care in the world. When I was young and innocent. Everything was a game or an adventure.

We didn't have much when we were growing up but it didn't matter. We lived near the ocean in a small town. Everyone knew everyone else. If a neighbor caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing they gave you a swat on the butt and sent you home. When you got there your mother would be waiting to let you know she knew what you did. My brother John and I were almost always together. We had 2 friends that we would hang around with most of the time. They were Danny and Eddy.

We would spend most of our summer days swimming. We spent the winter sledding down a street that was pretty steep and always covered with snow and ice int he winter. There was one tree that was everyone's "secret hideout." We would climb the tree and sit in it smoking or stuffing ourselves with junk food.

I was thinking about the past and remembering how much fun life was then. We were almost always laughing. We were always happy. We were almost always doing things we wanted to do even if it wasn't right. In short, we lived in the moment. No guilt about the past and no fear of the future.

My brother John lives near me now. We are across the country from where we grew up so going "home" is not an option right now. There are times when I want to go back there. There are times when I think that I can get back to having that free spirit that I had when I was young. I am trying to get back to that peace. I know it's not a place on the map but a place in my heart.

My dad was an alcoholic who was there sometimes. We would go years without seeing him because of the explosive and violent relationship he had with my mother. I will say that he never put a hand on us out of anger. My mother was the one who did all the punishing when we did things we shouldn't.

My mother was an active alcoholic when I was real young. I don't know how old I was when she stopped drinking but I guess I was around 5 years old. Even though she didn't drink any more she still had the alcoholic behavior. To say my parents had a stormy relationship would be putting it mildly.

I did a search online for my friends names. There is no way I was going to forget them. I have thought about them a few times over the years but never thought to look online to try and find them. Last night I finally did the search.

I found the family name living on the same street where they grew up. I thought it had to be a very old listing but thought what the heck. I have unlimited long distance on my phone so it wouldn't cost a thing to try the number and see if that is a good one for them.

We lived one street over from our friends. I can still hear and see their mother standing on the front porch calling them. She would just say "Danny, Eddy - right now!" Everyone knew that meant get home right now or else. If she called more then once and they weren't with us we would pass on the shout. In fact, if any of the parents called their children to get home everyone would pass the shout along to make sure they knew to go home.

I called the number today and much to my surprise the mother answered the phone. I told her who I am and she remembered me! Believe me, I remember her very well. I have to admit that I am surprised that she is still alive. Both of my parents have been gone for a very long time. My friends are the same age as my brother and I.

Eddy lives with his mother in the same house he grew up in. His sister Kathy is home also. They were at the beach swimming. I should have guessed that is where they would be on a hot summer day. I wonder if they still feel the same as they did when they were young. I will call tonight and find out how they are doing. Just knowing they I have made contact makes me feel some of the joy of my childhood again. I can't wait to tell my brother!

So I went to the casino today

2010-07-27T21:38:00.001-07:00

I had a fun day for sure. I came out with all my original money and 3 packs of cigarettes. I think I probably should consider quitting smoking and I almost did. I decided why do something for someone who would only thinks of himself. Why bother trying to please someone who is never going to be satisfied no matter what I do.

Some might argue that I should stop smoking for myself. I have heard about the health benefits of quitting. I have heard about all the money I could save. In short, I have heard about all the so called benefits to quitting. I just don't worry about it. I enjoy smoking and will continue to do so unless or until I have no other choice but to quit.

My father worked at the shipyard when I was small. He knew that he was loaded with asbestos. Almost all the men who worked at there were exposed. There is a good chance that everyone in the family was exposed to it when he came home from work with asbestos all over his clothes. I haven't been checked for it but it seems to me that it's almost a sure thing that I have some inside me also.

We lived near the ocean and everything was coated with creosote. The landscape timbers and telephone poles were covered with it. We swam in the water down the Fort Point River. Down stream from the ship yard, electric company and Proctor & Gamble. The jetty where we swam at high tide and dug clams at low tide was a raw sewage pipe.

We moved to the neighborhood where I spent 14 years when I was about 2 years old. I was the youngest of 4 children raised in that house. Three of us had cancer at the same time. Of the 3, I am the only one left standing. My father died in Sept. 1994. My brother died in Dec. 1994. My sister died in April 1996. I had cancer in 1995 and 1997. Back in the 1950s and 1960s there was no monitoring of what went in the water. No one seemed to care about things like that. No one cared that creosote was a known carcinogen. No one raised an alarm about the people working at the shipyard bringing asbestos home to their families.

Was this caused by asbestos? Was it caused by environment? Was it caused by what came down with the water of the Fore River? Was it in the air? Some nights all we could smell was soap. It depended on which way the wind blew. Other nights we could smell mud flats. It's hard to know for sure what the exact cause was but obviously something did. I can't believe that it was just bad luck on the family.

Every once in a while I think about my childhood friends. I wonder how they are doing. I have tried to find any information on them online but so far no luck. I can't go back to the area because I live completely across the country now. It would help if I could locate someone back there and ask them if they know how everyone is and if anyone else has health problems.

Today is another day

2010-07-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

Time seems to be moving much slower then it should today. Part of me just wants this day to be over so I can curl up in bed and go to sleep. I am not feeling too upbeat or positive today. It's a beautiful day out but I have no place to go and all day to get there.

I went out for a while today and roamed around. First on my to do list was get some cigarettes. After that I decided to roam around a little. I don't know why I went to one of the "hidden" spots of true beauty in the city but that is one place I wanted to go and think for a while. I didn't stay there long then I went to a park. After only a short while I decided to go home.

I didn't know this little oasis existed near the center of town until someone showed me it was there. There is a beautiful waterfall there. The temperature is cooler beside the creek. The sunlight is filtered through the canopy of trees that cover the creek and the noise of the city fades away. We went there together a couple of times and it seemed so peaceful there.

I wanted to reflect on the things that happened the other day. I wonder how much of the good that was going on was real. I wonder how much was just him turning on the charm long enough to find out if I had realized that the only way to keep the relationship was to be submissive to his demands. Were my separation anxieties strong enough to cause me to bend to his rule? When faced again with his way or the highway was I going to back down?

I think as the time together went on he became aware that I had not caved in. I may be feeling afraid and empty inside without him I still prefer that to the alternative. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was getting annoyed at me over nothing.

One thing that did get noticed by me but was not questioned was a little text on his cell phone. I never asked but he offered this little information. "Oh, I haven't heard from her in months." I don't know if he was just thinking out loud or if that was some kind of challenge. I didn't know if I was suppose to ask any questions but I didn't even shrug.

That may have been one of those bait jobs so he could blame me for the argument that would happen if I said anything. That way it would look like the fight was my fault AGAIN. He loves to play the victim and charge me with domestic violence. He gets the attention and sympathy he craves.

Going around the same old mountain AGAIN

2010-07-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I was not feeling good about the complete break in communication with my estranged husband. I was occasionally checking his blog and saw no evidence that he had been online at all. I was very concerned about his health and welfare. I wrote him an email asking how he was doing.

As it turned out, he was doing OK but running short on money and needed a few things. I helped him out the best I could with my limited ability. We were actually talking about working on our marriage again. This was totally unexpected. I actually had some hope again. I should have known better.

We started to do fun things together again! We went to the fair with the tickets that he won from a local radio station including the rodeo. That was a wonderful day from start to finish. I asked him to help me sell something I had and gave him some money for doing that. Yesterday we went to North West Trek and I thought we completely enjoyed the day. We took lots of pictures both days. I paid for the gas and the trip with the money I got from selling my PS3.

Before I knew it, the old demands started to surface again. He was starting to fill the conversations with my faults and what he thought I needed to do to fix me. This just wasn't going to work for me. I tried to tell him that he wants to be accepted for who he is and I wanted the same thing. That didn't really go over very well but it stopped the debate for a while.

I saw the same pattern starting to develop again. I thought that I would be reasonable and at least give some extra thought to some of the things he was saying. The calmer I tried to stay and the more I tried to keep it peaceful the harder he pushed. I tried to say that We don't have to agree but we don't have to be disagreeable about it. That didn't last long.

I had gone to an Al-anon on Friday. While there I realized that my OCD was coming back with a vengeance. I didn't even realize that most of the symptoms were actually gone. This was quite an eye opener for me. That need to be in control of my life was growing as I felt the pressure from him to "do everything his way" starting to mount.

He is not smoking and I tried to be respectful and keep the smoking to a minimum around him. I am a smoker and not ready to quit but I was working in that direction and trying to not drive either one of us crazy about it. He started complaining about me smoking and we were OUTSIDE! That was the final touch off point for me.

I let him know that there was a problem situation in his apartment and he didn't like that either. I sent an email saying "sorry" but not for what I said but the way I said it. I knew that once the disrespect came back to the conversation between us it was time for me to go home. I collected my things and left without much more conversation. I was angry and knew that things were only going to get worse until it got totally out of control.

He once said to me that there was something missing and I now believe it is love. He shows many signs of being narcissistic. I have said many times that no matter what I do it will never be right. No matter how much I do it will never be enough.

A few angry emails later he still thinks I wasn't telling the truth. I told him that the situation at his apartment was exactly why I didn't want him to have a dog when he was living with me. I told him that I knew he wouldn't take care of the dog and I wasn't about to. I also knew that he wasn't going to accept what I was saying and decided that it wasn't that important to me anymore.

So that is where I left it today. I had told him that I would take him to the doctor Friday and sent one last text saying I would take him then went out to clean the car. I sent a text to find out if he needed the ride still and he said he would rather walk. I sent one last text that read simply:

Great. Have a nice day.

Someone sent a message to me

2010-07-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

I have been separated from my husband for over a year now. There were times when I actually had hope that we were finally going to work the differences through and have that dream marriage that I thought we both wanted. Even though he filed for divorce during one of the not so hopeful times he said that we didn't have to follow through if we could work it out.

We are not even speaking now. As hard as it is to admit, there comes a time when you just have to accept the fact that something just isn't going to work. If this is the way it must be then there really isn't much sense in fighting it any more.

I have been going through the day to day as best I can. I have been trying to find some measure of letting go quietly. We had connections left in the game I love to play online and I was visiting his blog daily to keep up with his posts. I have broken the connections and stopped reading anything he posted. As much as it hurts I know that this is what I have to do.

I have been hurting physically and emotionally for a while now. Between the break up of the relationship that meant so much to me and the fibromyalgia. I don't see any relief from either in sight. This is no way to try and live!

Someone sent a message to me today that I never expected. The first thing I did was say thank you for the words when I really needed to hear them. The message simply said: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."

I copied those words onto an index card and have it in front of me. I know that I have been living in the sadness of the past and fear of the future. It is very sad that the marriage is over and I am afraid of going on alone. I keep trying to hold on to the good of the past. I don't want to let go of the thought that we could have those good days ahead. The truth be known that even if I did get a few of those good days again they would never last very long and I would be right back where I am today.

Again I say to myself: "Don't let the sadness of your past and fear of the future ruin the happiness of your present."

I am going to keep those words close to my heart. Maybe they will be timely words to someone who reads this post and it helps them like it is helping me.

My need to be needed

2010-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

I found this wonderful site that hit home with me. I am going to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about the truth to this site that discusses some very important Life Strategies. I found this quite by accident. I believe that working with a site on codependency that I have been working with for a few years.

I have been thinking over the past 9 years and the good and bad things that have happened. The most important question I asked myself over and over again is "what was I thinking?" There had to be something in that relationship for me. There was a need in me that was being met that caused me to keep going back to the relationship.

Love is a big part of the answer without a doubt. There were times when everything seemed so right. I felt loved. I felt safe and sane and secure. I never wanted to lose those feelings. I wanted to live in them forever. It was the memory of those times that kept me holding on during the separations. It was the memory of those times that caused me to try again and again.

When I would see the relationship breaking down I went into panic mode. I tried so hard to hold on to the dream like world I was living in. The trouble is the more I tried to tighten my grip the quicker it all crumbled. I would go from being on the highest point in my life to the lowest in a heartbeat.

I still think about the stormy day when he left and went to another state. The pain was almost more then I could bear. I sat in the chair at my computer for days on end. I would just start crying deep sobs. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't eat and I couldn't sleep. At one point I thought I was going to die and that was going to be a blessing. My weight went from about 105 to 88 lbs. This is when my health problems really got worse. That was a few years ago and I still haven't made a full recovery.

This separation, the pending divorce and the feeling of finality are like a weight on my chest. There are times when it's very hard to breath. There are times when I don't really want to breath. I calm myself by telling lies to myself. Lies like this is going to be OK. We will get back together like we did so many times before. While it may take away the anxiety short term it only hurts in the long run. I can't move on, I can't go back so I am stuck where I am.

Letting go of the past.

2010-06-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

I am working on unpacking the bags. I have a lot of memories that have been built up over a life time. Some of these memories are good and others are not so good. I have to take them out one at a time then decide what to do with them all.

As each memory comes to mind the first thing I have to do is feel the emotions connected to it. I have to own the feelings. I then have to decide if the memory and feelings are things I want to keep or is it best to just let it go completely. I don't want to hold on to anything negative.

It comes as no surprise that even some of the negative memories have some positive attached to them and some of the good memories have a bit of pain attached to them as well. I am wondering if there is a way to clean up all this mess. I don't want to keep going in the same direction that I have been going in for so very long. It is well past time for a serious change.

On a good note, the memories don't hurt like they use to. The emotion that I am feeling the most is sadness. I still don't understand the WHY of some of it. Why did these things happen? I do know that there is no reason for me to feel any guilt over the choices other people made. I may have been a convenient excuse but I was not the reason. They did what they did because that is what they chose to do.

I am only responsible for my decisions and actions. I have enough in that stack to feel bad about. I have tried to make amends to some of the people I hurt. I am trying to stop wallowing in my mistakes and forgive myself. This is much easier said then done. I expect so much from myself but can never live up to that level of perfection. I do know that I am going to have to let go of those negative feelings and learn from my mistakes.

I have been asking God to forgive me for the mistakes I have made. I have been asking for true and complete healing for those I have harmed. I don't want any one to suffer because of me. I don't want anyone to carry scars by either my action or lack there of. I have faith that God is able and willing to heal those wounds.

More importantly then that is praying that God will forgive those who have hurt me. I don't want to live in the shadow of what has been done any longer. I am also asking God to help me forgive them completely. I also pray that they know that they have been forgiven by me and more importantly by God. I want them to have a chance to start again with a clean slate.

I don't mind doing this work alone. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone until I am right with myself. This is going to take some time and effort but I know that I am worth the effort. When this work is further along then I won't be so quick to hold the past against anyone and that includes me.

Keeping in mind that to forgive doesn't mean I have to put them in a position to repeat the sins of the past. I can forgive and let go at the same time. I will free myself and others so we can go our separate ways. No strings, no pain and nothing to bind either one of us to the past.

Really letting go

2010-06-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am working on breaking all ties to someone I thought I would love forever. No one said it would be easy. I know that it has to be done and the sooner I break all connections the better it's going to be for both of us.

I spent too much time and life holding on to the past. I know that I held on to the bad. I was angry about the past but that was only half the story. He just didn't know how strongly I held on to the good also. I lived in the past good and tried so hard to stay in that feeling. I wanted the good memories to be the future but the bad past kept repeating itself.

The more I tried to hang on to the good and prevent the bad from happening again the worse it got. The more I tried to make the good grow the more it turned into smoke and ash. We had a few good days and I had a spark of hope. What I thought of as a fresh start was just an illusion. Just so much wishful thinking on my part. We would meet one day a week and do something fun. That didn't last very long at all.

I just want to find lasting happiness in my life. I just want to have peace. I don't want to life in the past any longer. I don't want to feel the fear of the negative cycles repeating themselves over and over again. I wish I knew how to move on without feeling the deep sadness I am living with now. I don't want to feel the pain of watching the last of the good dream crumble. I have talked before about letting go of the dream even when I know it was a dream that would never be.

Tomorrow is another day.

Fibromyalgia Crash

2010-06-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

How fun it is to crash - NOT! I am so sore and tired I don't want to do anything yet I am not sleepy and doubt that I could sleep with the pain even if I wanted to. This is no way to live.

There have been a few people in my life that don't understand what I am going through. They act like they think I am imagining things. The act like I am just lazy and don't want to do anything. I have been accused of pretending to be having problems so I could get on disability. I wish that were true in a way. Believe me, I would rather work then feel like I do.

Someone implied that they thought that now I am getting disability that my symptoms would all of a sudden clear up. I am not sure if they thought it was a stress reaction or I was faking it. I didn't ask and don't really care. This is the same person who told me a few times that I would be OK if I would just get off my fat lazy ass. The same person who tried to get me to go for brisk walks no matter how many times I told them that doing that made matters worse.

I woke up this morning feeling like I have had better days and I have had worse days. After relaxing over a couple of cups of tea and goofing off on the computer. I had the patio door open for fresh air and the blinds open for sunlight. I decided to get some house work done. Probably not a good idea thinking back on it.

I have a small apartment and live alone so there really isn't much that needs to be done even on a bad house day. I washed a few dishes, picked up a few things and vacuumed the carpet. That was it. No big tasks or heavy work. It wasn't long before I knew it was nap time. I don't normally nap during the day but there was no way I was going to stay awake.

I went in and curled up in bed with my electric blanket turned on. It wasn't very long before I fell asleep. I honestly don't know what time I went to bed but it was after 6 p.m. when I woke up. The sad part is I was just as tired when I got up as when I went to bed. This is very normal for me. Sometimes I wake up more tired then what I was when I went to sleep - figure that one out!

It never even crossed my mind that I had missed my physical therapy appointment today. I knew it was Thursday and that is the day for my appointment but never connected the two thoughts. I guess it doesn't matter considering I was asleep anyway. I feel bad that I missed going but glad that I didn't go at the same time.

I think I am going to start a journal and see if I can draw some kind of parallel between what I eat, what I do and how I feel. If I start to see a pattern I will post it here.

Physical Therapy for Fibromyalgia

2010-06-24T02:34:00.000-07:00

I recently started going to physical therapy for my Fibromyalgia. This started out as a good idea. I thought that it would be a great way to work on my range of motion and improve my flexibility. I The last thing I expected was to have it spark a flare that had me in serious pain for three days even with medication.

I went for a session on Thursday and the pain started to set in about an hour after I left. The pain stayed with me until early Monday. It let up just in time for my next appointment. I told them what had happened to me after I left there. Needless to day my next session was modified.

Here it is almost time to go back for more therapy. I tried to do the exercises they want me to do daily but it's getting harder to motivate myself to do this knowing it's going to cause me more pain then my medication can handle. As I type this point I don't want to have my arms away from my body. It makes doing every day tasks much more difficult. As if I didn't have enough problems with every day life already.

There are times when I wonder how long I can continue to take care of myself. I wonder when the pain and fatigue will reach the point when I won't be able to do the things I need to do. There are times when I go without eating for a day or two because I don't have the energy to make something to eat. Normal things like shopping or laundry seem like overwhelming chores as it is.

The pain is bad enough but when you add deep fatigue with it then you have a bad combination. I have days when I don't have enough energy to do even the most simple of tasks. The confusing part is even though I don't have any energy I have a hard time getting to sleep. It's not the kind of fatigue leads to sleep.

I have tried to look back at when it all began. I think that it started a long time ago and gradually got worse over the years. When I started going to the doctor I was told it was a problem with my thyroid and they gave me pills for that. For the first two weeks I felt great but that was all the relief I ever got from thyroid medication. I kept going back to the doctor and telling them that I was still having the same problems but they didn't listen. I continued to work but it was taking more and more out of me and taking longer and longer to recover on my days off.

We moved to Washington State and I started a job almost right away. I worked in the house keeping department of the local casino. I worked hard scrubbing bathrooms and stainless steel kitchens on the grave yard shift. After a few months I noticed my hands cramping and pain everywhere that took longer and longer to ease up after a shift. I started calling in more often until I lost that job.

That made me head back to the doctor again and again. They kept doing blood work and adjusting my thyroid medicine. I was starting to wonder if I was not being realistic with my level of pain, fatigue and inability to sleep. In short, they had me questioning myself. It didn't help when someone close to me would yell at me to get off my fat, lazy ass.

After a couple of years of trying to explain my symptoms and get someone to listen I was finally diagnosed as having Fibromyalgia. It helped me to know that there was a name for what was happening to me. It helped to know that I wasn't alone with this disease. At least I know that I am not crazy or imagining things.

The problem with loving a Narcissist

2010-06-22T01:34:00.000-07:00

Some very disturbing narcissistic traits are discussed here. If the person you love fits this description you would do yourself a huge favor to get out of that situation. Nothing good is ever going to come from that relationship.

This is a very important quote. "with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.

They have a my way or the highway attitude about everything. They will use any fears you have against you. They are especially cruel when they know you have abandonment issues. They will exploit that weakness to the fullest. The more you give in to this treatment the more contempt they have for you. This is a total no win situation.

This is a quote that really says a lot. "Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation."

No matter how much you give them it's never enough. No matter how much you do for them it's never right. They feel that they have a right to what ever is yours. They think that you owe them. The more you give the more they expect. They will suck the life right out of you without a second thought.

Another great quote. "A clue: Run for cover when they start acting normal, maybe expressing a becoming self-doubt or even acknowledging some little fault of their own, such as saying they now realize that they haven't treated you right or that they took advantage of you before. They're just softening you up for something really nasty. These people are geniuses of "Come closer so I can slap you."

How true this is. It's so easy to fall for this. When you love them and start thinking that just maybe this time they really mean it. They can be so charming that you melt and your resolve to break out of this relationship weakens. You start to believe that there really is a chance for a happy future only to have the rug pulled out from under you in the rudest way possible. The funny part is they make you believe that it's all your fault. Maybe it is because you fell for the same old BS time and time again.

The most important thing to remember is Never love anything that can't love you back.

Tomorrow is a new day

2010-05-25T00:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a new day full of promise. I don't know what it holds but I am starting to have hope that each day will get a little better and a little easier. I am beginning to accept what is. I am beginning to understand that this is the way it has to be.

I was becoming a lot of things that I never expected I would. The only emotions I could feel were anger and fear. Frustration wasn't far behind. I was angry more often then not. I was afraid all the time. I was constantly frustrated. There was no real or lasting joy anywhere in my life.

The frustration of being in a no win situation got the best of me. The pain of holding on became more then the pain of letting go. I was so totally unhappy with life the way it was and was no longer willing to keep living my life that way. I know there is more to life then what I was living but nothing was going to change as long as I was willing to allow it to continue.

Now that I am no longer fighting a battle I can not win it will free my heart. The energy and the life in me were being used in negative ways. Now that I have given up the struggle just maybe I will be able to use that energy in more positive ways. I don't know but at least now I have some kind of hope for the future.

I know that I will be doing a lot of grief work in the weeks and months ahead but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once I let go of all the negative I can grab on to the positive ahead of me. Maybe then I will be able to look back at what was good and right. Maybe then I will be able to smile when I remember the past.

Letting go

2010-05-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

The final word were spoken. The last of the emails have been exchanged. Now it's a waiting for the paper work to come to get on with finalizing the end. There will be no more one more tries. No more "what if." The reality starts to settle in.

Just thinking of this is enough to make you feel your heart break. You don't want to accept the situation for what it is. This is when you want to tell yourself little white lies about what is going on. This is also the time when you need to be the most honest with yourself.There is no getting around the truth and eventually you are going to have to face the reality.

Doing the grief work is not going to be easy. Doing the grief work is necessary to moving through it. If you don't release the grief it will stay with you and spring up at the worst possible times. Sooner or later you are going to have to deal with it so you might as well do it early. By trying to deny the negative feelings and avoiding the pain you will only end up feeling it many times over instead of just the one time.

The tears want to flow but you hold them back. You stop breathing in order to stop the sobs that want to work their way up from the depths within. This is when you do need to feel those negative feelings. This is when you do need to let those tears out. Holding back the negative emotions isn't going to make them go away. The truth is if you push them down inside trying to avoid feeling them they will stay with you.

To quote Robert Burney "Allowing ourselves to own the grief does not cause us to lose control - it causes us to feel like we are losing control for a few moments. By learning to allow ourselves to release that pent up pressurized energy in a healing context, we can be empowered to stop letting the past dictate our lives today. "

I don't know how long it will take until I am able to let go of all that I am feeling right now. I am still trying to find a way to convince myself that this just isn't happening. I am still trying to tell myself that there is a reason to hope the situation is going to change. I am still trying to hide from the pain and sorrow. This isn't helping me at all.

How do you forgive yourself and others?

2010-05-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have been working on forgiveness. There is a part of me that wants to hang on to the anger. A part of me that wants to remember offenses and hold the offender accountable. This is no way to try and live your life. You waste so much energy keeping score but it is so hard to change.

I want them to know that they have hurt me in some way and to sincerely apologize for what they have done. I would then be able to forgive but I never forget. All my life I heard first time shame on you, second time shame on me. Even if I got that apology I was looking for I would be waiting to pounce should the offender do something to me that I could take offense to.

I have made some bad decisions in my life. I have done things that I know I shouldn't do. I have a list of things that I have done that I need to be punished for. I beat myself up over my past mistakes time and time again. The one I can not and will not forgive is ME!

Why do I hang on to the negative? Why do I hang on to the anger and hurt? In an article titled "Learning to Forgive Yourself" on Web MD says the following. "People want to feel pain and resentment? "Oh," exclaims Hartman, "resentment is a very attractive way of putting a barrier around yourself as protection against being hurt again."

Is that what I am doing? Am I trying to protect myself? Is it working for me? These are questions that I have been asking myself. No one likes to be hurt either intentionally or by deed or act of omission by us or someone else. It is especially painful if it is the person you love that has hurt you. It can be a very heavy burden if the person you hurt is one who loves you.

Is this life of protecting myself working for me? NO! I am not gaining anything by living this way. In fact, it is standing in the way of making any progress in any area of my life. I find myself in a worthless cycle of pushing people away so they can't hurt me again. I tell myself that I am better off alone then with some of these people. I end up alone.

There is a lot of medical evidence to show a link between anger and serious diseases like heart attack, stroke and even cancer. Negative emotions affect your immune system giving rise to a host of other diseases and worsening of existing health conditions. I believe that if you hold anger against someone they are also affected in a negative way by this resentment on your part.

This article in Web MD also goes on to say: ""But not without community of some kind. It is in the context of our relationships (whether with therapists, pastors, counselors, churches, families, and friends) that we experience the grace of being forgiven and forgiving others." Grace, of course, is a peace of mind bestowed regardless of whether we deserve it or not.

I am going to quote Mtt 18:21-22 again. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." The article from Web MD does state that "Forgiveness is never complete unless people and relationships are transformed in the process." That transformation, of course, could involve never repeating the action.

Starting today I am going to stand on the word of God. Today I am going to believe that he has cast my sins as far from me as east is from west. I am going to stand on faith that the grace of God is renewed every morning. I believe the reason it is renewed in this way because God knows we need it!

I have said before that I have a vision of a healing ministry. I have asked how can I heal someone else if I can't heal myself. The healing I need is inside of me. I finally see that. I need to forgive me for my past and the mistakes I have made. This will free me to be able to help others with true healing that will change their lives and give the glory to God.

Emotional Vampires - Narcissism

2010-05-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

Emotional vampires are everywhere. Chances are good that you had at least one close encounter with one. The first thing I would recommend is finding out what an emotional vampire is. Second is to learn how to identify them quickly when you encounter one. Most important is getting the help you need to break away from them completely if you realize that you are in a relationship with one.

In the beginning they pretend to be your soul mate. They find out what makes you tick and they pretend to be something they are not in order to get deep into the heart of you. It's easy to get drawn in by their act. It's easy to become emotionally attracted to and attached to an emotional vampire. They are so charming and pretend to be warm and loving. Trust me, they are neither warm nor loving to anyone but themselves.

Once they have worked their way deeply into who you are their true nature starts to show. They have set their trap and caught you in it. Slowly but surely they become very demanding. Slowly they start to separate you from all the little things that make you who you are. They will go against themselves to be opposite you and then force you to accept their position on any and every issue. They slowly undermine your self confidence on every level until you become codependent on them. It will eventually come down to a their way or the highway situation on even the least important issue.

A prime example of an emotional vampire going opposite himself or herself are they will almost freeze to death before they let you turn the heat on if they know you are bothered by the cold. It matters not how uncomfortable they are as long as you are miserable.

Once a narcissist thinks he has you drawn in to them they slowly chip away at the things that make you who you are. They know the things that bring you any degree of happiness and try to separate you from them with their complaining, sulking and pouting. An example might be if they know you like to watch sports they will insist that they don't. Every time you try to watch a game they cause a fuss or pout becoming sullen and withdrawn. They complain every time you try to watch a game until watching is no longer worth all you have to go through to do so.

Another little game the narcissist will play is to ask you if you like this or that better. If you say this then they will say they like that better then force you to accept that. An example of that is they ask if you like beef ribs or pork ribs better. No matter which one you pick they are sure to say they like the other better.

If you say you have no real preference and it doesn't matter to you one way or another it frustrates them. They will ask you a few times over a period of time to try to get you to commit one way or the other. This will upset and frustrate them to the point that they will get angry because you won't play their game by their rules. An example might be if you really won't say that you like beef ribs better then you like pork ribs they could become so angry that they will go so far as to say they have become vegetarians at some point. They will be vegetarians when they are around you but when you are no where to be seen they will eat all the hamburgers they can fit in their stomach.

Next the instigating begins. When you live with someone you get to know their quirks. They know that if it bothers you to have dirty dishes on the side of the sink you can bet that is where every cup, glass, dish and piece of silverware will end up. Every time you go to the kitchen there will be a collection of dirty dishes waiting for you to say something about it. They will go out of their way to get in your way and do the things that annoy you.

A favorite trick of the narcissist is to think that what ever they do is OK. If you catch them at it then you are the one who is wrong. If you don't catch them they will rub your nose in what they were getting away with behind your back once they tire of it. Not because they feel guilty but you are not playing the game and finding out for yourself. They can have sex with whomever or whatever they want and expect you to stay monogamous.

The easy way to tell what a narcissist is doing is take note of what they accuse you or someone else of doing. That is the first hint you will get from them. If they accuse you of reading personal ads on line you can bet that they are doing just that. If they accuse you of cheating even though you have never given them a reason to think that way about you then you know what they are doing. If they accuse you of being high or taking drugs, well you get the idea.

If you become involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist it is very hard to end the relationship. They know how to play on your fears and insecurities. They are not above using emotional blackmail to coerce you into doing as they wish. Breaking away is never easy but absolutely necessary to you for your own mental health. If you can't get away on your own be sure to get all the help you can from professionals who are trained in this area of counseling.

In closing I will say THE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE OR NARCISSIST WILL READ THIS AND SWEAR IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM PERSONALLY! They will take this as an attack on them and maybe even lash out because of it. Let them rant about you all they want. They have their story and you have the truth. The more they whine to their family and friends and insist that they were the one who was abused the more they will show themselves to fit the descriptions in this blog.

I recommend reading this page for 10 steps to freedom from a narcissist.

Forgiveness

2010-05-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is mentioned in the bible many times. I know that this is something we all struggle with from time to time. When we feel that someone has hurt us we get angry. We want to hold on to that anger because we were wounded. We feel justified for being angry and don't want to let it go. What we don't realize is the only person we are hurting by being unforgiving is ourselves. There are many reasons why we should learn how to forgive. I am going to quote from a few places in the bible where Jesus talks about forgiveness. I am going to be teaching from Matthew chapter 6 verse 9, Matthew chapter 18 verse 21 ,Mark chapter 11 verse 25. and Luke chapter 23 verse 34.

Turn your bible to chapter 6 verse 9. I will be reading from the King James Version. The words are in red so we know that it is Jesus speaking. He is teaching his disciples when he said " ⁹After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.¹⁰Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.¹¹Give us this day our daily bread.¹²And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.¹³And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen."

After Jesus taught this prayer He went on to say in verse ^"14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:¹⁵But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

If Jesus repeated Himself it was because He knew that what He was saying was important. He wanted to make sure that it was understood. He repeated Himself to be sure what He said was not only understood but remembered as well.

Turn your bible to Matthew chapter 18 verse 21 and read "²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? ²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

That is a lot of forgiving. I know that for me it would be a hard thing to do. In the past I would give lip service and say I forgive but keep bitterness and resentment in my heart. The next time I got angry all of the past would come spewing out of my mouth like a runway freight train. This is NOT what Jesus meant when He told us to forgive. I am making progress in this area but know that I have much more work to do.

Turn your bible to Mark chapter 11 " ²⁵And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.²⁶But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."

Jesus again says to forgive and you will be forgiven. If you don't forgive you won't be forgiven. This is obviously very important and we are to forgive. No one said it would be easy but Jesus did say it enough times that we should know how serious this is.

Finally turn your bible to Luke chapter 23 "³⁴Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

Even from the cross Jesus asked His father to forgive those who crucified Him. How many of us would be willing to forgive someone so quickly for anything? How many of us understand that if Jesus asked forgiveness even under those circumstances that we need to follow that example and learn how to honestly forgive the people we come in contact with? It's something to think about.

In closing I would like to pray. God, teach me how to really forgive. Teach me how to let go of the bitterness and anger that I feel. Teach me how to love others unconditionally the way you love me. Teach me how to forgive myself for the things in my past that are holding me back and keeping me in chains. These things I pray in Jesus name. Amen.

Dream Symbols - real or not

2010-05-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

I would like to know if symbols in dreams really can be interpreted or is it just so much hot air. Could these people who claim to be able to tell you what you dreams mean really be right? There are many sites that claim to be able to tell you what each symbol means. I just don't know but I have had an experience with a repeating dream that was pretty darn close when I finally checked a dictionary.

I had a dream over and over again. As with other repeating dreams I have had in the past I knew that it wouldn't stop until I told someone about it or some event that was in the general area of the dream occurred. I am very reluctant to tell anyone about my dreams. This one repeat dream had to be stopped so I told the person who was involved in the dream but only by mistaken identity. Thankfully I don't have this dream any more. I don't think I will be talking to anyone about my dreams and I need a way to get get rid of the nightmares. I will be sharing them here in the hope that it will help.

The dream was about a man who was killed in a hotel down town. The police came and made me go there and they tried to say I had been the one who did this. I was traumatized by the sights and smells of that room. The victim was handcuffed to the head board. I tried to tell them that the victim was not that of the person they thought it was and I had no idea who that person was.

He was wrongly identified by his family when they were shown a picture of a tattoo the victim had. I tried to tell the police that was not his tattoo and it was on the wrong arm. The police had not finger printed the victim and I tried to convince them to do that because the person who they thought it was had their finger prints on file

One of the police officers didn't believe me and beat me to the point I had to be hospitalized and in a halo due to a broken neck among other injuries.

I didn't share all of the dream because I just wanted to get enough out so the dreams would stop. There was more to the dream that I am not going to share here. I just want to give enough of the dream to show where the symbols are and how the definitions tie in to the dream. It looks about right to me but I am not convinced that there is something to this.

I looked up the symbols in the dream and found this:

1)dead body: The end of a phase in some area of your life.

If the dead person is someone you know, it can represent that you consider that person to be reaching the end of some phase before the beginning of the next, or it can mean that you are afraid of that person dying or becoming unavailable to you.

2)blood: Life force, life energy, or the essence of humanity.

3)Being or feeling falsely accused can represent: A real life, feared, or imagined situation where you felt blamed for something you didn't do

A denial of or failure to accept responsibility for something you did

Feeling that the world is a harsh, vengeful, or blaming place

4)handcuffs: restrained Lack of freedom or power. Feeling unable to move, escape a situation, or make progress somehow in your life.

5)A figure with a halo can represent: Your desire for spiritual guidance, comfort, support, etc.

6)Being attacked, beaten, or tortured can represent: A feeling or fear of persecution, hostility, aggression, criticism, etc. from by another person or by "people in general"

A situation where you feel or fear your boundaries being crossed or your integrity compromised by someone else

7)tattoo Consider what comes to mind when you think of the particular tattoo, and of tattoos in general. A tattoo can represent something about its wearer, according to the perspective of the dreamer. Examples include:

The way the dreamer thinks the tattoo wearer tries to portray themselves to the world

The particular impression the dreamer thinks the wearer wants people to have of them

Self-expression

Belonging to a certain group or crowd

When you have done all you can do

2010-04-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

How do you know when you have done all you can do to keep your relationship alive and and there is nothing more you can do? How do you know in your heart that it's time to move on? How do you know when you have given all you have to a relationship that isn't working then it's time to stop giving?

The daunting question is where that line should be if it should exist at all. Do we have a running meter beside everyone's name? Do we use the same measure with everyone or is this set at some arbitrary level for each person we meet? How much behavior we consider unacceptable can we be expected to forgive? Can that "acceptable" level be adjusted as our relationship with each person changes?

How much should you compromise in the name of harmony? How many things that you enjoy should you give up that make you who you are? Should you compromise your moral values? Should there be a line and where do you draw it?

The most important question is when to remove yourself from a situation that isn't right. How do you know when there is no way that relationship is going to turn around and start moving on a positive path? When do you know that it's time to just let go? How do you avoid wondering if there was something you could have done or said to make a difference?

I have changed my thoughts and opinions on these and many more questions throughout my life. I know that I have changed my answers to these questions many times as I change and grow. There are some answers that are chiseled in stone but not all are that cut and dry.

Is that you God?

2010-04-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

I sometimes struggle with life and making some decisions. When I don't know what to do I pray for guidance and direction. I pray for God to reveal his path for me. I hear the voice in my head and I hear the voices in my heart all saying different things. I am never sure which one to follow.

At this point I don't know if the voice in my heart is the voice God or if' it's just my own desires. I want to do what God wants me to do. I know that he hears and answers prayers. He answers them in ways we never expect. I want to be open and receptive to what ever means of communication God chooses to use.

I have heard preachers say that there are provisos and a lot of quid pro quo. Even though I don't believe this I find it hard to get it out of my mind. I keep checking myself and wondering if I have too much in my past that keeps blocking my prayers. I wonder if I have done the things that God requires in order to get His attention.

I struggle with issues of feeling unworthy. I ask myself who am I that God would give me a moment of His time. The bible says in Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb." I have a hard time believing that those words apply to me.

I do read the bible. I can't quote scripture exactly. I don't memorize chapter and verse. I do try to remember the meaning and feelings described in the stories I read. There is a lesson to be learned with an example. I do have a hard time finding specific things in the bible. It's not easy to find something in the bible that talks directly to the question I have at the time.

I want to do the right things for the right reasons. I don't want to go around doing whatever I want and justifying it all by thinking that I am following God. For me that would be the same as someone saying that the devil tempted me. The same justification for doing what it is they wanted to do in the first place. The only difference is the focus of the "blame". Both being some force outside that we have no control over.

I want to follow the voice of God. I want to be what it is He wants me to be. I want to do the things He wants me to do. His plans for me are so much better then anything I could dream or imagine.

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith

2010-04-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

Was Jesus saved by grace through faith or did He know who He was? I have looked all around with no answer to this question. I asked the minister's wife after prayer tonight just to hear what she believes. I have my own thoughts on this and would like to share them. I have never heard anyone explain it this way. My understanding is a little off the beaten path and I don't expect to change anyone's mind. If I have given you food for thought then I have done well.

It is my belief that Jesus himself was saved by grace through faith. I have heard in sermons that Jesus lived a sinless life and because of that He sits at the right hand of God. I disagree with that assertion. If that was the case then Jesus was saved by works.

When Jesus was on the earth He was fully man. The bible clearly states "For by GRACE you have been saved through FAITH; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God; not as a result of WORKS, so that no one may boast." Jesus is the first fruits of the resurrected. All fruit is harvested in the same manner. We are saved by grace through faith not by works. Jesus must have been saved in the same way.

The bible also states that "without faith it is impossible to please God. To me this means that Jesus had to accept God and His promises by FAITH not by foreknowledge because He remembered or knew who He Himself was. The bible clearly tell us that when Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist that a dove came down and rested on Jesus. Suddenly there was a voice from Heaven saying "You are my beloved son in whom I am well pleased."

If Jesus knew who He was and knew that He would be resurrected after three days and nights then He would not have sweat blood when He was praying in the garden of Gethsemane? It is my belief that He took it that He would be raised from the dead on faith alone. If He remembered that He was God and immortal then there was no sacrifice. By definition you can NOT kill an immortal.

What do you think? If I am wrong in any of this please let me know. I want to know the truth. I want to understand.

Life with Fibromyalgia

2010-04-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

The first symptoms I noticed were soon after I got in the truck with my husband. That was back in 2001 or 2002 when I started having problems with fatigue. I had pain in my shoulder and hands for many years before that. Even though the pain was getting worse I didn't worry about it very much.

At first I thought the fatigue was caused by the long hours and odd sleep schedule. The fatigue would get so deep that just reaching for something on the dash board was almost more then what I could do. When I passed on taking a shower my husband knew that this was a serious situation because he knew how much I looked forward to shower time.

We stopped driving because of my husband's health problems. I ended up working at a Waffle House then at a McD's for almost a year before we moved to the state we live in now. The funny thing is I could walk down the stairs, walk to work, stay on my feet all day, walk home but when I got to the bottom of the stairs I would pause. Walking up one flight of stairs was like climbing a huge mountain.

When we moved here I got a job at the local casino in the housekeeping department. I worked hard but really did enjoy the job. I noticed that at the end of the week I would be so sore and tired that it would take all my time off to recover. It wasn't long before I couldn't make it to the end of the week. I started calling in sick until I couldn't go in any more.

I finally had to admit that I just couldn't work any more. It was with a heavy heart that I finally had to accept the truth of my situation and file for disability. After a five year fight I was given a fully favorable decision at my hearing last November.

My daughter and her daughter are visiting from across the country and my son and his fiancee will be here for a visit soon. The sun is shining. I am very happy indeed yet I feel totally awful today. In fact, I haven't felt good for a couple of days.

I got to watch a hockey game and my team won. I watched a couple of movies that I like. My two daughters and one granddaughter came over the other day and we laughed until we almost cried. These are all good things for sure!

I ache all over and have absolutely no energy. I have pretty much sat in my chair for a couple of days. I only do the things I have to get done. Even that is a huge chore. I am tired but not the sleepy tired. I have no energy and I have no strength. I want to go outside but don't have life enough to get dressed. I am almost out of cat food but can't seem to get to the store.

I know that I have depression but you would think that would be balanced out with the positive that I am feeling. I have been edgy and irritable as well. I have a hard time falling asleep but when I do I sleep without dreams mostly. I have a hard time waking up.

My husband and I are having problems and this is not good. We were standing on the edge of filing for divorce but we started emailing last night. We started to talk about counseling before we do anything. This is a good sign and a step in the right direction. I even have a more positive outlook in that area now.

My thoughts are happy ones. While I am sitting here I am playing online and not thinking about the negative at all. It's not like I sit here thinking of things, events or people that make me angry because I know this will only suck the life out of me. I think about what I am doing that is fun. I think about the people I love.

I pray as I sit here also. I pray for guidance. I pray for my family and friends.

Divorce - the finality of it all.

2010-04-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between married persons. In most countries divorce requires the sanction of a judge or other authority in a legal process.

It sounds so easy when you read the above definition. The word "termination" sounds so cold and so sterile. I guess it would be easy if not for the emotions involved.

I am so overwhelmed with the feeling of loss right now. I know it will take a lot of grief work to be able to look forward again. Even though the relationship was not the best it was who I was. It was where I got my identity. I was his wife. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he is hurting and feels the sadness that fills all of me.

We will sign the papers on Monday and call it quits after 9 years. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who I am any more. My heart is going into panic mode and wants to stop the madness that is divorce.

I wish I could stay angry at him. It would make this process all the easier. We were together for a short while the other day and I felt the same love for him that I always have had. We had some errands that had to be done and tried to sit down to fill out THE PAPERS. That didn't last long. Before I knew it we were in another argument. We are going to try again to go over the papers on Monday.

I wonder if he feels the same about me when we are together. I wonder if the fights are meant to break the feelings of being together. I wonder if in the calm times he feels the love we shared. I wonder if he wants that back. I wonder if he still believes in the dream of what could be.

So this is what depression feel like.

2010-04-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

So this is what depression feels like. I have had times in my life before that have seemed dark and lonely but this is the worst time I can remember. I am going to be a while getting through this storm in life. My games are no longer fun. I don't want to watch my favorite movies or listen to any music. In fact, I want the house to be totally silent as a testimony to the empty.

I have zero interest in the things that were always fun and enjoyable for me. I want to be happy and think about the good things going on around me but this is almost impossible to do. All I can feel is the emptiness within. The feeling that something valuable has been completely taken away from me and I can't get it back.

It's hard to let go of a dream even when you know that dream will never come true. Without knowing it, I entered this relationship with a dream of what could be. It was painful watching that dream crumble into dust. At first the break down started out slowly. The harder I tried to cling to the last standing pieces the quicker it all fell apart until there was nothing left to hold onto. When the dust settled there was nothing left of the dream.

I tried every thing I knew to make that dream become a reality but it was never meant to be. I fell in love with what I thought was someone's potential and not who they really were. I fell in love with the person I thought he was without taking the time to get to know the real him.

I was able to accept his past without question. That was not the problem. It is the things he continues to do that eats away at my soul. I tried so hard to forgive but I couldn't forget. When I finally recognized the pattern it became hard to ignore.

We would have a wonderful relationship that would start to slowly break down. He would start bitching and nagging about silly things. He would do more and more things that he knew would aggravate me on purpose. He would start acting like he was hiding something and acting very suspiciously. All of these things would build to the flash point.

I would start to snoop and most of the time I found things I really didn't want to know about. I would confront him and all hell would break lose. The times that I didn't actually find out myself he would "confess" to what he had done.

He justified most of his affairs saying it was OK because we were separated at the time. The truth is we were what I thought happy when most of these things would start. I believe that most of the fights were so he could justify what he was doing. To blame me for the things he chose to do. Then he would tell me I don't take responsibility for what I do.

He knows that I can try to forgive but I can't forget as long as he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He says I keep bringing up the past and I say that he is the one who keeps bringing up the past by doing the same thing over and over again. He refuses to disassociate himself from the people he was with when he did the things he knows a married man has no business doing.

He will be filing for divorce soon. Even though I know that nothing will ever change and I can't go on any more it's still hard to let go.

Visions of a Healing Ministry

2010-02-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

When I lived in Indiana I started watching TBN. I would watch the shows about healing through faith. I would cheer when people would give their testimony of the miracle healing they received.

I prayed to God that He would use me in this way. That I could share my faith with other people to help them receive the promises of God in their lives. I wanted to be able to help those who had need to release their faith and get their breakthrough.

About nine years ago I started having dreams and visions of a healing ministry. I told my husband of this dream and casually mentioned it to the pastors of a couple of churches we were considering becoming members of. These pastors were not receptive so I stopped talking about it. The dreams and visions would not go away.

In my dreams and visions, I could clearly see people receive their healing. I could hear the shouts of surprise and joy when they realized they had been healed. I could hear people praise God and worship Him with all their hearts.

I don't know when the attacks on my belief and faith in the miracle healing of God started. At first the attack was in the form of guilt about my past. I was reminded of every mistake I have ever made. I was "told" that I am not worthy that God would even hear me let alone use me in any way. I was able to shrug this off. We have all read the stories in the bible of the people who were changed and able to do God's work. We read that God only wants us to be willing and He will do the rest. We read that redemption and forgiveness of sins are our gifts from God. These gifts were made possible by the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross.

The next thing to come under attack was my husband's health. He has two issues of blood that he talks about in his blogs. On two occasions he was so sick he almost died. He was then and still is being followed by the doctor with regular blood tests for his CD4 count and his viral load. We were blessed in the fact that he was non-progressive and at times his viral load and CD4 counts were even improving.

The attack came to say how foolish I was to consider having a healing ministry when I couldn't even help my husband. The attack also went on to say if God would or even could heal then why didn't he heal my husband? The attack was becoming very personal and harder to ignore but I hung on to my faith in the healing power of God. I have read the book of Job a few times to get the message into my heart. I told my husband many times that my faith is unshakable and that I believed that God could and would heal him.

Our marriage became the next target of the adversary. We have had more then our share of strife. We have both said the words "I give up" on more then one occasion. We have separated more times then I can count and even filed for divorce.

God speaks to our hearts and brings us back to remembering and seeing the good in each other. The love we have for each other always brings us back together. I know that I know that this is the healing power of God working in our lives. Instead of breaking my faith this has served to strengthen my belief in the healing power of God. I know that this is the only thing that could possibly change our circumstances and bring us back together.

Over the past several years I have watched my own health deteriorate slowly. This is the latest attack of the enemy. There are so many things I could do with little or no effort a few years ago that I just struggle with today. There are some things I just can't do at all. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia after going to doctors in two states and re-telling them my symptoms.

The best I can hope for most days is to just be uncomfortable. I am in physical pain most of the time. I don't sleep well and because of that I am tired all the time. I get cranky and easily upset over the dumbest things. I was on medication but because of the changes to my medical coverage I could no longer get the prescriptions filled.

I find myself under attack every day. This little voice whispers in my ear saying where is God now? IF God is willing and able why then hasn't he healed me? Why do you believe in something that hasn't happened? Why don't I just give up? I don't deserve to be healed, and so on.

I remind myself of the story of Job again. Job never gave up hope. He never gave up his faith. He put his life in God's hands. Job would not curse God and neither will I. I do not blame God for the things that have happened in my life. I do know that what the adversary meant for evil God can use to produce the biggest blessings in my life.

I think about Paul. What was the key to Paul’s amazing spiritual success? How did he live such a victorious life? He answered those questions in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote these powerful words: “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

Living With and Loving someone who is HIV/AIDS and HCV Positive when you are not *Repost

2010-02-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

*Special not to A. I had to re-post this. - I deleted this post by accident when I was cleaning out some drafts. I lost your comment and my reply to it. Please contact me again.

Living with someone who is HIV and HCV co infected has special challenges. First is taking the time to learn the truth about both diseases. Second is taking the necessary steps to insure that you don't become infected yourself. After that the only challenges are the ones common to all relationships.

I met Rick online and before we met in person and he told me that he was HIV and HCV co infected. That had to be very hard for him to do. He knew that there was a possibility that I would say thanks but no thanks. I didn't. When we met in person he put his arm around me and I knew that was where I wanted to stay forever.

I have to admit that I didn't know anything about either disease or how easily they were transmitted from one person to the next. I wasn't going to reject the person out of ignorance so I started to learn about both HIV and HCV.

The first thing I found out is the people who know your partner is HIV positive treat you as if you were positive also. It seems as if their thinking is if you are with someone who is positive then you MUST be infected as well. This isn't always true. Rick and I have been married for almost eight years. In the course of those years I have been tested several times for both HIV and HCV. The tests always come back as negative. My most recent test was this past January.

What precautions do we take to keep me safe? About the only major thing is we practice safer sex. I do not touch his tooth brush or shaving equipment at all. These are things that can have trace amounts of blood on them no matter how careful you are to clean them after use. Rick is also vigilent and makes sure he puts his personal care items away after use.

The other thing is to be sure there are no "booby traps" around the house. This makes for common sense even if you are not infected. By booby traps I mean making sure there is nothing around the house that you could scrape or cut yourself on. Knives are always stored properly. Anything that breaks is cleaned up right away. If either one of us does get hurt we make sure that the site is cleaned up right away.

Rick is careful to keep any cuts that he does get covered until they heal. He lets me know right away if he gets hurt and where he got hurt. He is careful in the kitchen and bathroom. He does the necessary to keep me safe from exposure.

But how does it feel to be in love with someone who is HIV positive? How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their weakened immune system could be further compromised to the point of collapse? With all my research I have not found a site that can help me answer these basic but important questions.

When you enter into a relationship you believe it is going to be long term. You can't build a future for the relationship thinking that the other person won't be there to share in it. So I adopted an attitude that we are going to beat this disease some how. If not beat it at least keep it at bay. I want to and have to believe that he is going to always be there with me.

Some may say that I am living in denial of the facts. Let them think what they want. I am not going to live every day in fear of losing the love of my life. I have an attitude of gratitude for every day. (even the bad ones) No one is guaranteed tomorrow but we plan for it anyway and expect to be there when it happens.

How do you handle the emotions of knowing your partner has a life threatening disease? How do you handle the fear of knowing that when they get sick their immune system could collapse? These are good questions that I live with.

I try to focus on the positive side of health. I do keep a watchful eye out for signs of any wound infection. I watch for any signs of jaundice. I watch for signs of any kind of fever. Other then that, I don't conciously think about the "what if's." I try to be watchful but not obsessive about it. I don't want to overlook something small that could turn into a big problem that could have been avoided had it been treated earlier.

The other thing I have is faith. I believe that what ever happens is in the hands of God. That He is there for me through anything that happens here on earth. He hears our prayers and answsers them. We may not understand all his ways but His way is the right way.

I believe that God brought Rick and I together for a reason. I also believe that he didn't bring us together just to tear us apart. That through the grace of God Rick will stay non-progressive. This simple faith helps me handle any fear that I might have.

I am a two time cancer survivor so I guess I have a diferent way of looking at life in general. I have never once asked "why me" about cancer. I know why but that's another blog. I don't worry about "what if" I become infected. I know I will handle it the same way I did when I found out I had cancer for the second time. I will do the necessary to have the most positive outcome. Eleven years and counting I am still cancer free. Eight years and counting and I am still HIV and HCV free. Thank God!

There are a lot of sites dedicated to living with HIV/AIDS but I didn't find any for the uninfected partner. If there is a good response to this blog then I will start one. I look forward to getting comments on this blog. Please comment me.

7 comments:

makeshiftspaces said...: I cannot even begin to imagine what kinds of challenges there are to living like this. It is definitely encouraging to see that your love for your husband makes all of those precautions worth it.; March 8, 2009 6:38 PM
whispering wind said...: My husband is the love of my life.
We have to make adjustments and make sure that I am not exposed to anything. At times that can take a little shine of the moment but over all the joy of being with that one special person makes all the difference.
I am going to post another blog that goes deeper into the feelings and adjustments in the future.; March 8, 2009 7:54 PM
Strongerbecauseiamlovedbyapos said...: Wow. I met my love online as well. 3 months after we met. He told me his doctor was testing him for hiv and hep c. He was HIV+. Days later, he was diagnosed with hiv. His ex girlfriend cheated and gave it to not only him, but 3 other people she has slept with. It did not matter to me, I couldn't leave. I loved this man. I stayed, 3 years later, I am his fiance. He now has been diagnosed with Aids(last summer) and this past winter he beat KS. His KS is back, stomach and in the soft tissue of his mouth. His time left with me is short. Standing back from this situation, I would not change a day of it. We are going to be married at some point this summer. Thank You for sharing your story. It is not an easy thing to do as we HIV/Aids- partners get stuck with this label. Well, I am not a label, I am loved, as are you. Good luck in His and Your journey.; June 25, 2009 10:47 AM
nena79 said...: I met the love of my life five years ago and but the relation ship did not work out and we seperated only to encounter each other again 3 years later and began a two year relationship. We found out he was HIV+ 5 months after we began dating and I have been tested several time since and have been negative. I refused to leave because this man was the man that I truly believed was the love I had been waiting for. I have watched him go into a downward spiral emotionally and he began to become very abusive towards me even though I only wanted to love him. I guess I became the target of his fear and distress over the disease. Regardless, I assured him that I would not leave him because I loved him before this I knew about this disease and I would love him after. Sadly, he pushed me away and we have been seperated for 5 weeks now. He refuses to speak to me and I am devestated.I believed that loving him could do no harm and he would in turn see that I was devoted to seeing him through the difficult road ahead but now I am just heartbroken. Although difficult because of the stigma that HIV/AIDS has I felt that I was determined to provide the best possible "normal" life we could have together but he didn't see it that way. I am still in shock and the hurt as yet to diminish one bit since I can't even get close enough to him to help him with the emotional pain he is going through.; September 9, 2009 7:59 PM
Whispering Wind said...: Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this thread. Long story.

Strongbecauseiamlovedbyapos: That seems to be a common thread with us. I am going to write on that in just a few minutes. Know that we share the same heart ache.

nena79 I tried to provide that normal life. I tried to build a future for us with the idea that he would always be there with me. I am also devastated by the break up.; October 6, 2009 11:12 AM
chrisopher32 said...: I know how you feel. I have recently met a wonderful person, His name is James. He is HIV Positive and I am not. He told me he was on the second date. He just found out in July, So alot of this is new to him as well as me. I am falling so hard for him. I do have worries about HIV. I told him I would be there for him, I hope I can be strong for him. I dont know what I would do if I loose him.; November 3, 2009 10:57 PM
Whispering Wind said...: First things first. I highly recommend getting the facts about HIV/AIDS from reliable sources. Don't "think" you know. Educate yourself so that you really DO know.
I made a decision to love and have never once regretted it.; December 27, 2009 6:07 PM

HIV/AIDS can you pass this test?

2010-02-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

Can you look at someone and know if they are HIV or HCV positive? Take this little test and find out. I think you are going to be very surprised at the results.

What would you do if you fell in love with someone who was HIV or HCV Positive? How would you feel in this relationship? Would you even know if the person who looks so perfect is Positive for any disease?

I knew his status before we met in person. I was a little afraid at first because I didn't know anything about either disease. The first thing I did was do a lot of research online. Knowing the facts was just the beginning of the story.

I had to think about more then the normal questions you have before you enter into a relationship. For me, this was easy once I met him in person. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. My love for him grows stronger every day.

Do I ever think about the possibility of becoming positive myself? I have to admit that I think about it now and then. I like to get tested once or twice a year just to be able to stay on top of my status. Every time I get tested the answer is always the same. I remain negative. Do I ever worry about what I would do if my status changed? Not really, that is not helpful in any way.

I was concerned about sharp objects being left where they don't belong. I was concerned about stray or loose nails in the doorways or on the floor. When I heard the sound of a glass breaking it got me moving fast. The most important thing was I didn't want him to get hurt. Once I knew he was OK then it was on to the task of cleaning up the broken glass quickly and safely.

We take care to use the accepted precautions every time we are intimate. We take care to see that any cut he gets is cleaned and covered. We make sure that there are no booby traps around the house.

Here comes the hard part. The question of his health. How long will his health hold out? When will he need medication or even should he take medication? When to call the doctor? What about his diet? What if he gets really sick? The hardest question of all is what if I lose him?

These are the real tough questions that take lots of soul searching. You have to be honest with yourself. You would do good to ask yourself these questions before you enter into the relationship. You don't want to be thinking about these things as an after thought.

How do you decide if this person is right for you? How do you decide that this is the right relationship? You are going to have to decide for yourself. I can only say that once we met I knew the right answer for me.

Some of these questions are important to ask yourself even if your new partner is HIV and HCV negative. There are other things that can happen to a person that would bring about a situation where you had to make serious decisions on their behalf. No one is promised tomorrow so thinking about that is a waste of time and energy.

Mostly, you would do good to have a deep faith in God. When I first met my husband I prayed saying "if this is the man you want me to be with please protect me in this relationship." I thank God every day that he brought this man into my life. I have learned to really love.

We have our problems and right now we are not living together but we are working on getting back together in a healthier relationship. One that helps us to continue to grow and grow closer to God.

When we separated I had reached the bottom in my life. It was only then that I knew that I had personal problems that needed to be worked on. I finally realized how much the alcoholics in my life had affected me. I am working on me in order to be the wife God would have me be.

I know that life is only going to get better from here. One day we will be able to get back together with a stronger and healthier love for each other. For now all I can do is keep taking steps in the right direction.

Are slot machines hazardous to your health?

2010-01-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

I have times when I win at the casino and times when I lose. When I go I normally just stay for about an hour then catch the next bus home. Mostly I go to give me a reason to get dressed and get out of the house. I have friends that go there as well. It is our "social hour" in a way.

Today I met a friend on the bus and we walked into the casino together. Just inside the door we saw two of our friends standing not too far from us and they didn't look happy at all. When we got to where they were they started telling us about an event at the casino that nearly floored us both. I never thought it would really happen.

I have joked about not wanting to win a jack pot saying I would probably die of a heart attack if I did. As it turns out, that is what had happened to an older gentleman today not long before we arrived. He was playing a 50 cent meltdown machine and got three meltdowns. The machine started to spin again and hit three meltdowns a few more times. He had actually hit the maximum jack pot on the machine.

It seems the excitement proved to be too much for him because he fell to the floor and died there. Even though help got to him very quickly there wasn't anything they could do for him. Our friends also said they saw a woman they assumed was his wife with a look of total shock on her face. They said they were concerned for her because all the color had left her face and she was paper white. She left with two other relatives who were there as well.

I don't know why I stayed for the hour. When I walked by the spot where the man fell I was filled with sadness for his family. There was trace amount of a kitty litter type substance on the floor that they used to clean up the bodily fluids. I have been thinking about this all evening.

Who knew that a fun day out would end so tragically for them all?

It makes you think long and hard about a lot of things you take for granted. I don't know if I will be back at the casino any time soon. It just didn't feel right being there.

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

We all eagerly await the start of the new year with high hopes and expectations. We all hope to have learned a few of life's lessons in the year that is finished so that we can be or do better in the coming year. We forget that each day brings new lessons that must be learned with it.

I found this article about statistics on top new year's resolutions. I would have thought that the percentage of people who make resolutions would be higher. It seems that most of the people who make resolutions do break them in short order. The article goes on to say that it is better to try and fail then not to try at all.

My wish for everyone is to have a safe and happy celebration of life every day. Make each night your new year's eve. Learn something each day. Live in the moment. Mark Twain said it best when he said "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."

My Posts are Missing!

2009-12-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

I have had some thinking to do about my attitudes and opinions. After talking with a friend about some of the things I wrote I came to realize that I needed to take the blogs down right away.

I will be going through each post and really thinking about what I wrote.

The questions I will ask myself are:
1. Does the post convey the message I was trying to send
2. Does the post look like I am stuck on proving I am right
3. Does the post look like I am having a pity party - poor me always the victim
4. Does the post look like I am assigning blame or fault finding
5. How would I feel if someone had written that post about me
6. Are all my reference links still working

Some of my old posts will be done over completely while others will be scrapped. I left a couple up that I thought were acceptable as written.

I would like to thank my readers for bearing with me through the reconstruction of my site.

Steps 8 and 9. No one said it would be easy.

2009-10-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am working on step 8 and 9 knowing that step 10 is going to be something I will be doing for the rest of my life. No one said these steps would be easy but they didn't say how difficult they would be either.

I started to clean my side of the street. In a series of emails I have sent to a few people I tried to make amends. At first it wasn't so bad saying I am sorry for this and that. As I peeled each layer off and got further into what I had done it became more and more painful. How could I have treated the person I love that way?

I thought it would make me feel better to confess. I started out feeling OK and ended up feeling totally horrid. I took responsibility for the things I had done and said. No excuses and no trying to hide. I am totally ashamed of myself.

I did this with no expectations at all. It was the right thing to do.

As I went through life I know that I became more judgmental and opinionated. I became more sure that I was right and would use any weapon at my disposal to prove it. Harsher with my word and tone. I tried harder to force my opinion on the people around me without realizing it.

Today I wonder again who am I really?? What agreements do I have with myself that would allow me to treat someone like that? What was I thinking and when did I start thinking that way? Why was it OK for me to say things like that? Why was it OK for me to treat the people I love like that? What did I expect in return? How long have I been acting this way?

I have just begun to make my apologies to the people I hurt. It's really going to be a long road to recovery but I know that I am on my way. My hope is that those I have hurt will be able to heal the wounds I caused. If in turn they feel they have hurt me and want to say they are sorry I will listen without interrupting or correcting them. We all remember things differently, it's the thought that they want to make amends that counts!

I have a long list of people that I will be contacting and confessing to. All I can do is be honest and sincere in my apology. All I can do is my best to not make the same mistakes again. I will try to treat the people I love with the respect they deserve. I will try to show the people I love that I really do love them.

I don't know how long this process is going to take. I don't know if there is any way to make amends to everyone. All I can do is my best. I pray that I will feel better when I have done all I can. Today I am going to put it all in the hands of God and ask for his guidance. I will ask Him to take my shortcomings and replace them with a deeper knowledge of His will.

I will never be perfect but I am comforted by the knowledge that I am a work in progress! What is that old saying? I may not be where I need to be but thank God I am not where I use to be.

Al-anon is the ticket back to sanity

2009-10-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

I missed the last two Al-anon meetings and I could feel the difference in my attitude. I was getting more and more sad as time went on. I had little "emergencies" come up that had (IMHO) to be taken care of right away.

We were talking after the meeting about holding someone else responsible for our expectations. How angry we get when those expectations are not met or worse yet met with extreme opposition.

Al-anon is all about US. About letting go of the "responsibility" of controlling someone else's behavior. Learning to accept what IS and dealing with it accordingly. In short, Al-anon teaches you how to live out the serenity prayer.

With Al-anon I have found people who understand what I am thinking and feeling. No one there makes fun of anyone else or criticizes them for saying what is in their heart or mind. Even if they start to ramble on they are saying something they feel they desperately want someone to hear. There is always a pearl to be found if you listen with your heart.

Something happened last night that would have had me up all night upset and sick with worry but not last night. Thanks to the friends I have found and the changed way I look at life it was not a problem at all. I am not perfect by any means. I am a work in progress. I am not perfect but I am getting better. There was a time when I would have handled this situation differently. Thanks to Al-anon I have peace instead of fear.

I am focused on ME. What I need and what I need to do.

Survivor Guilt

2009-08-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Surviving a life threatening illness isn't listed as a cause for survivor guilt but it should be. I did find it listed as a cause of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you look hard you will find it here. PTSD

In September of 1994 my father died of lung cancer. I was living in another state at the time. I didn't know he was even sick until after the operation that removed his right lung. Three days after the surgery he developed pneumonia. I was finally called about a week after that. I went home right away but by then it was pretty much too late. My dad was 86 but was still very much independent. He was active and always going somewhere or doing something.

In December of 1994 my oldest brother died of lung cancer. This was almost more then I could handle. I had not even started to get over the shock of my father's death yet. He knew something was wrong but never said a word to anyone. He was taken to the hospital by my other brother John as soon as he realized that Charlie was sick but by then it was too late. He was admitted right away and died less then a week later. He was 47 when he died.

In June of 1995 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. This seems to run in the family and I didn't think it was such a big deal. A little surgery, some recovery time and I would be as good as new. Nothing to worry about. My daughter Naomi took care of me while I healed. Before long I was back at work and on with the rest of my life.

In April of 1996 my sister died of cancer of the everything. We knew for a long time that she had cancer. She was on chemotherapy and radiation for a long time. Her beautiful red hair had lost it's luster and there was about a two inch ring around her head where all her hair had fallen out. The rest was very thin. She made the decision to stop her treatment. I guess she just didn't want to do it any more. She was also 47 when she died.

In June of 1997 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years almost to the day after my first run in with cancer. This was way more serious. I was 45 at the time and a little part of me was thinking about how my brother and sister were both 47 when they died of cancer and I had some doubt if I would survive this. I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction but NO CHEMO! The results from pathology were they found a second tumor that no one knew was there. It took three and a half months from first surgery to back to work full time. My son David came to take care of me while I recovered.

In the years since then I have lost more people that I love to cancer. On top of that, you hear about this famous person or another who died of cancer and I wonder why I am still here. What is my purpose? I can't help but think about those who were living better lives that weren't the ones who beat this dreaded disease. They should be the ones still here with their families. I am no one special yet here I sit still cancer free.

Surviving a disease like cancer isn't listed in the root causes for survivor guilt but it should be included. In the time that I was going through being treated for cancer I lost three family members. It was hard enough to lose them and it was only made worse by thoughts like "yeah, I made it." How do I celebrate my victory over cancer? How do I view my survival in a positive way? Every loss makes the guilt grow stronger. Every time I think about how I beat the odds I am reminded of all the people I love that are no longer here. If I could trade places with any one of them I would.

I can't even talk about this much. I may make a passing or casual remark now and then. (Un)Fortunately for me, so far it hasn't been given much attention by anyone I mention it to. Maybe I look like I am not bothered by it. Maybe I look like I have it all under control. The truth be known I am screaming quietly for relief from the pain. Sometimes it's almost more then I can handle. There is always a part of me that hurts. I try to block the pain but no matter what I do it's always there with me.

When I am alone I ask God "Why me?" Sometimes I ask this in a positive way, sometimes a negative way. Either way it's the same question. I still don't know the answer.

my blogs

2009-06-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

My blogs are to talk about the mistakes I have made in the past. If there is anything in my posting that sheds any kind of bad light on anyone else please let me know so I can reword it right away.

I am not out to shame anyone else at all. I am not trying to make anyone look bad ever. I am just trying to accept responsibility for my mistakes. I am trying to show that I understand where I was wrong.

My deepest apology to anyone who feels that I offended them.

ricksworld411 A very public Thank You

2009-04-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I want to very publicly say a big THANK YOU to Rick for helping me get on my feet financially.

He has done his very best to make sure I don't fall flat on my face. I don't know if I was able to tell him just how much I appreciate all he has done for me,

I hope he knows that I will always be there for him if he should need me for anything.

I look forward to reading more about the events of the past, what is going on now and the hopes and dreams for the future from Rick.

Where is the outrage about Drunk Drivers who kill?

2009-03-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

Where is the outrage? Where are the protesters? Why isn't there an outcry that refuses to end until the situation is resolved? We need to put a stop to impaired driving. I get so angry when I hear of yet another drunk driver that kills an innocent victim.

This is a quote from the CDC:
Every day, 36 people in the United States die, and approximately 700 more are injured, in motor vehicle crashes that involve an alcohol-impaired driver.^{1, 2} The annual cost of alcohol-related crashes totals more than $51 billion.
End Quote

Isn't that unbelievable? Why don't you see more people complaining about this? I know there are groups like MADD but they don't make the noise they should. They don't bring the attention to this problem like they should. The subject of impaired driving seems to be kicked under the rug.

The drunk drivers say that if the police sit outside a barroom to stop drunk driving that it's entrapment. What is wrong with this picture? I think the police should be sitting outside any place where the people leaving are likely to be impaired and be able to stop them before they kill themselves or anyone else.

Even though there are laws against impaired driving they are not enforced nearly enough. The punishment is slow coming and not nearly tough enough to deter people from driving drunk. The penalties should be stiffened and punishment should be swift and sure. It makes me angry to think that the person who drives drunk and kills someone gets sympathy and the victim is totally forgotten. The grieving friends and family are ignored completely.

The person who drives to any place where he/she is going to be drinking knows that they have to get home after. They know that they are going to be driving impaired before they even leave their house. Why should they get any sympathy when they injure or kill someone who was in the right place at the wrong time? Where is the sympathy for the victim?

Don't get me wrong. Even though I am a non-drinker by choice I don't care if someone stays home and drinks themself blind. I don't care if someone goes out and drinks until they don't know if they are on foot or on horse back if they are responsible enough to plan ahead to do one of the following:
1. Take a cab home.
2. Have a designated driver who takes them home.
3. Takes public transportation.
4. Sleeps it off where they are.
5. Sleeps it off in the back seat of their vehicle.
6. Call a friend or relative to pick you up.
7. Get a room and stay there until they sober up.

But the minute you get behind the wheel drunk then it does become my business. I do care that you are out there just another accident waiting to happen. Drunk driving death and injury is 100% avoidable! There is no reason for anyone who knows they are going out to any place where they are going to consume alcohol to go without thinking ahead as to how they are going to get home. There is no excuse for being behind the wheel of a vehicle after drinking. Absolutely NONE.

Not much of a writer

2009-03-01T23:52:00.000-08:00

I am not much of a writer but with time and effort that will change.
I had a blog site up but took it down recently and this is my second attempt at setting up a blog with hopes of connecting with others and see how they feel about different things.
I will be writing on a variety of subjects and hope that my readers will share their thoughts with me as well. I want to hear from people who agree and who do not agree with what I have written.